More Comfortable in Hell

7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
3.14.05

I'm glad Bitchelle (Michelle's name until she takes Tony back) got rid of whiney Sarah. Teaches her to ask for her raise in the middle of a crisis. I wouldn't be surprised to see her in a later episode pounding on a door and yelling "But Miss Driiisssccooooolll!!! You promised!!!" Sarah is one pout face away from looking like she's 12. In fact, that face probably would have been a lot more effective than yelling at Michelle.

"Aw…I can't fire you now. You're too adorable."

That and as the CTU rule book states, there can only be one bitch at CTU at one time. And Bitchelle is she.

Tony should have made the recap a little more personal, especially with his ex-wife standing in front of him.

"Bring you up to speed? Let's see. I was sitting at home drunk, Jack called, I've been sleeping with a skank that works at Wal-Mart, and you look really hot right now."

It's was also nice to see Audrey talk to Michelle about Tony in the grown-up version of "He thinks you're cute!" conversation.

Audrey: "Oh my God! Tony is SOOOOO cute. Look at him scrowl at the computer like it's yelling at him!"

Bitchelle: "I know, you should have seen him when we were married. He even scrowled at the toilet after a bad night of diarrhea."

She wouldn't give him a level 6-clearance card? But the good bathroom and vending machine are on level 6! This is bullshit! Level 3?? Wasn't Schitzo Mya on level 3, making it the place people go to die? I guess Bitchelle is still pissed at drunk Tony. Or maybe that's where she'll corner Tony and turn on the love. Oh yea…

TONY WANTED TO LEAVE? Hell no. Sadly, that would have ruined my week.

It's nice to know that the EMP didn't mess up any basic battery powered electronics. Good for the flashlight, even better for those batter-powered toothbrushes because no one likes to get a cavity.

I feel for the people who were listening to their iPods when the EMP exploded. One time, I thought my iPod died, but it came back after I reset it a couple of times. That was a scary ten minutes, so I know EXACTLY what the people of LA are going through.

And sure, the EMP won't physically harm Jack and Paul, but it will screw with their digestive system and they will need a laxative or some beano for at least a week.

Audrey wants to leave the BAUER? She saw what he does at work and now it's a turnoff? Even if I saw a beautiful girl working at a cheap clothing store called "Dots" where everything is around $10, I'd still give her chance. Jeez.

What were the evil corporate guys thinking torturing Paul? That guy can take anything as long as they don't use a lamp. Thanks to the EMP, that's a non-issue. But they did get crafty with the office torture, though threatening to use a Sharpie and writing "Penis" on his head would have been better. It's really tough to wash Sharpie off your skin. And no one wants a penis on their forehead.

Speculation on what the code on the paper will say: Marwan's secret recipe for curry with beef and mushrooms that won the CurryMan! competition last year.

(dammit, now I want curry)

Replacing torture (a bit overplayed this season, don't you think?) on my list of top things to watch on TV is LOOTING. My life long dream is to be involved in a looting where I would hit Best Buy, a Coldstone, Urban Outfitters, a BMW dealership, and a hospital that has marijuana pills with a full-sized U-Haul truck. That's right. I have a plan for looting. So should you.

But where does Jack loot? The gun shop owned by two Barrooz wannabes who have been screwed with all their life and now have a chance to act out their inner fantasy: killing American soldiers.

You can tell Allah sanctioned this since the bullet hit the empty clip of all places. Although I was waiting for the Saving Private Ryan moment where the kid takes out the empty clip to look at it and then gets in hit in the chest at the same spot. However, if Fox did that, they would have to order up another PSA for killing a GOOD terrorist as opposed to a BAD one. As I've said before, PSAs do nothing.

Ever notice that CTU drives Fords, but whenever there is havoc in the street or someone dies in a car it's in something like a Mazda or a Mitsubishi? I think this show is trying to tell me that if I don't buy American, I will die.

What the hell did this McClenne-Forrester company do? They have a bunch of computers and soldiers willing to kill Americans. That sounds a lot like the Department of Homeland Security…or Wal-Mart.

I think this will be my favorite episode because the scenes involving the urban fighting reminded me of a zombie movie. Even Paul started to resemble a zombie with blood coming out of his mouth and his staggering from place to place. And barricading yourself in a gun shop is ripped right out of every successful zombie flick ever made. A homage should have been done with Jack getting the radio of a dead soldier and uttering in a slow and ruffled voice:Send more cops…

Speaking of Jack, he gets the award for saying a line that could have been in a porno this week.

"Just stay low and do what I tell you…"

Maybe CTU should start training their soldiers with corporate America because apparently they can't successfully killing a man by shooting him in the back. C'mon. He's right there! You could have at least kicked him a couple of times to see if he was alive. Bauer would have done that. Then again, corporate America couldn't even kill two Arab kids through a window with empty clips as protection…so I guess everyone sucks.

I think Paul and Jack and falling in love. They've experienced something together and maybe even sneaked a hug and a kiss during the commercial breaks. Either way, you could tell there's a deeper connection there between the two men.

Song that should have been playing during the firefight: Sade's "Ordinary Love"

Yes, Tony does know Jack. Shame on Bitchelle for not listening to him. Oh right, she thinks he's wasted.

"Look I know Jack. He's insane. He knows that the best way for him to tell us where he's at is to start shit with heavily armed soldiers. But I also know he's going to have fun doing it…because he wants to KILL."

Just when you think the stereotypes for the show are over, they bring on some more that you forgot about. Redheads are evil Why? Because they look different and are therefore untrustworthy.

And this Redhead (I'm calling him Reddy) works for the US Army. How come most American terrorists come out of the army? And they wonder why we won't sign up.

It was pretty funny to hear Marwan's ringtone on his phone. It had that right pitch of annoyingness that a terrorist with no personality would have. It sounded a lot like the cheer Iraqi women give when they take to the streets and shoot their guns in the air. Or maybe it was his favorite song from back home. Either way, it made my ears bleed.

"Ok, I'm leaving now, I'm walking down the street to loot the bakery because stolen rolls are better than…" POW!
Did Jack just kick through a door where someone shot at him? He's losing his mind. Between that and killing people softly with that metal rod, you can tell he's having the time of his life being back in the field. He's gotten to kill, hold-up a store, loot, flirt with a married man's wife, and ride in a helicopter. If Audrey can't handle that, she should join the rest of the losers in Canada.