The Exchange Rate for Jack Bauer

9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
3.28.05

Finally, Brillohead has accepted who he really is, which is a druggie and a government stooge. It took long enough, but they finally got him high in yet another botched torture. I guess CTU has a quota for torture in a day. Thanks to Jack, they might surpass it this time.

Wise putting the tracking device in the large melon of Brillohead, though it's a shame the Marwan Men shop at Radioshack to get all their fancy and hi-tech toys. And the man doesn't know what he wants to do with Brillo?

"I haven't decided yet. It's a shame because that kid has a killer impression of Conan O'Brien. That wacky little bastard is the only thing that makes me smile sometimes."

And now Chloe is back, the real Chloe, AKA Captain Obvious. If you need someone to sum up all the major plot points and verbally craps all over a character's emotions, she's your girl. Oh yea, look at your husband lying there with his guts opened and your boyfriend is being held hostage by that evil terrorist guy who wants to kill EVERYONE.

At least that ugly necklace from the first couple of shows is gone, though now we have to deal with the salmon-colored shirt and her robotic walking (she doesn't swing her arms.)

Jack is expendable? I cursed at the TV and shot a ball of mashed potatoes at it with my new sling-shot from Mexico. That's punishment for stating such lies.

And nice plan to distract CTU from the LAPD police report with the exchange, though it would have been great if when they saw that pop-up on the screen that people just laughed and said "How cute, the LAPD is actually pretending to be police officers."

Marwan's wrong anyway. Here's a more effective way to distract CTU

-Order Edgar a pizza with everything on it
-Tell Bitchelle that along with Jack, they have stolen her prized portrait of her and Enrique Iglesias
-Give Tony a six pack
-Hire a Tom Cruise impersonator to give the "You Complete Me" speech to Chloe
-Send Curtis Aisha Tyler's audition photo with the blood-soaked phrase "You Let Her Die" written on it.
-Give Audrey a stack of folders she has to sign for the government. When she finishes them, rip them up in her face and laugh about how her husband is going to die

But no, he decides to go the more traditional route by trading the Brillo for the Bauer, making all of CTU scratch their heads and wonder "Who would want this kid? Even his dad wanted to kill him."

What is the exact exchange rate for one Jack Bauer?

After doing some quick math, I determined that it would actually take 10 Brilloheads all armed with shovels, a crate of 60-gig iPods, and a pineapple.

Nice chutzpah for calling up CTU to ask about the kid. A lot of terrorist would have just beat the crap out of Bauer with a tire iron, but not you Marwan.
"Yo, is Brillo there? You tell that punk to stop listening to my Eminem albums. He's always putting the disk in another case when he's finished."

And he even plays a game with Jack. Marwan's got balls up the ass.

"I'm going to ask you some questions. If you get them right, I'll give you a hint as to where the key is for your cuffs. If you get them wrong, I remove an article of my clothing."

Comedy Central has a show like this called Distraction. I wonder if that's where they got the idea. That's all you would need to distract Jack. I don't care how much training you get from the government. No man is truly prepared to look at man-ass. I go to the YMCA and I see it all the time and then I puke. I've lost ten pounds and haven't lifted a thing.

That's sad that Tony has no other friends than Jack. I've heard prison is like a poor-man's eHarmony.com. I guess you can't believe everything you read on the bathroom wall.

"Jack's the only friend I have…well, except for Teddy. He holds my head when I sleep."

I think the guy that plays Curtis was only brought on because he makes the best "What the…?" faces. The audition must have been like "Ok, you hired a hooker, but you found out it was your mom…let's see that face."

We see that Peabody-award-worthy look after Brillohead screams that Curtis is just using him. But Curits makes up for it by giving Brillohead the "Dude, I think you're cool" conversation in the van. Apparently, Curtis saw the PSA too. So maybe they do work, sometimes.

The CD with the hourly report in the bright fushia plastic case was the most annoying new character of the show. Let's hope next week Curtis gets to torture that piece of shit.

Bitchelle is slowly warming up to the Tony. There's some nasty love brewing there. But Tony's a man and as we all know, is oblivious to the subtle signs women have when they want to get attention. Bitchelle will have to sit Tony down with a power-point presentation about how much she wants to throw him up against the wall to get the point across.

I get those power-point presentations all the time, though it's more about why I should stop calling.

The Bauer, still kicking ass with his hands handcuffed to the pipe, kicking people and re-programming the phones. Um hello? What? How the HELL did he know that? I don't understand what he did and I don't care. Jack wasn't killed despite Marwan's nutty plan to put a sniper on the roof. Doesn't Marwan get it? The show revolves around Bauer. If he goes, we go.

So now Brillohead is with crazy Uncle Marwan, the only parental figure he has left and has lost a couple of locks of his brillo-hair thanks to Curtis injecting a tracking device in the thickest part of his hair. Brillo's either dead or has the word "Terrorist" shaved into the back of his head. I'd rather be dead.

A Stealth Bomber is being hijacked with a fake report, a courteous smile, and the phrase "triple checked it myself"? I guess twice doesn't mean shit, but when you do something three times, that trumps reason.
"Oh you shot him three times? He must have deserved it."

Speculation on the Use of the Stealth Bomber:
-Fulfill a childhood dream of Marwan to ride in one
-Do a tower fly-by while listening to Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" from Top Gun
-Bomb Indonesia because apparently God wants the area wiped out and earthquakes and Tsunamis just aren’t cutting it anymore

Whatever the reason, he has to act quickly because once the window of opportunity closes, all that is left is the mailbox of disgrace and the door of embarrassment.