Disabled and Disarmed

3.26.07
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Jack Bauer found a new friend in his daily fight against terrorism. His name is Brady. He can hack into any computer in the world, will do anything you say (eventually) and loathes all red-colored foods.

Brady is also autistic, making him loose cannon. He can save the world or bring it to its knees, all with a kind smile and a hug. Bauer handles the situation as anyone does when faced with an autistic person: talking calmly and watching out for flailing arms and bites to the arm.

Mark, the brother of Brady, has been using the power of autism to hack into his company’s files for security codes. He sells these to Gredenko for cash and as a way to unwind after a hard day with his disabled brother. And when terrorism isn’t available, he has a shotgun in the corner for fun.

The security codes will help Gredenko target the Edgemont Nuclear Power Facility, his third round pick for places to hit with a suitcase bomb. Prior to this, Edgemont was hardly picked as a target for terrorism, so in terms of potential tourism, this will be a huge boast for the facility’s self-esteem.

At the moment, World War III is hanging in the balance because the VP Noah Daniels wants to send a message to the Middle East by using nuclear bombs instead of Toby Keith songs (I miss the days when patriotism was trendy, fun and profitable).

And what is that message? It’s actually a complicated haiku that involves pet rocks, Goya crackers and ends with the phrase “You can eat my ass.” It’s actually quite beautiful and thought provoking.

The only person who can stop the nuclear insanity is Palmer 2.0, who is in the medical area enjoying a good coma. Since the assassination attempt, the VP has employed the “presidential coma rule.” This means the cabinet has full access to the presidential bathroom, snack cart and Nintendo Wii. If the president is still in a coma after a week, his bedroom is looted.

To avoid war, K Hay (Karen Hayes) talks to Sandra Palmer, a fellow liberal character on the show that has been itching to do something liber-awesome. With a stern smile and two cups of coffee, K Hay convinces SP to have her brother woken up to stop the nuclear strike.

Dr. Welton, who also believes that nuclear war is a bad idea, is scolded by the VP after he’s told Palmer 2.0 could be up and walking soon. Welton treats the VP like an autistic child (remember: calm voice, watch for the biting) and begins work on the president.

Back at CTU, there are more rumblings about CTU: Denver where apparently it was more about weird office interactions and sexual tension than counter-terrorism. And whenever there’s sexual tension, nine times out of time, Ricky Schroder is involved (he had to leave NYPD Blue because Dennis Franz’s jokes about “doing it on the table” were getting a little too frequent and graphic).

Here’s what we were told. Strikeforce “got off” by torturing people, Milo “Stache” Pressman thought Strikeforce was weird and another guy named “Johnson” did something bad and Strikeforce covered for him. I’m too tired to think of something witty for CTU: Denver, so just use the phrase “sausage-fest” and laugh yourself to bed. (JESUS, it’s 2 AM? Where the hell is my crack?)

In the middle of the CTU drama, evidence is uncovered that proves Nadia (sexy brown CTU agent) is innocent of being a terrorist leak and that Strikeforce is more than just a prick. Johnson was setting him up and he didn’t fall for it. The drama ended with Strikeforce getting the final word.

“You screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.” (sounds like a title for a German porn movie).

Milo celebrates Nadia being uncuffed by sexually harassing her in the hallway. Luckily for him, she’s a girl that appreciates a man saying “I’m sorry I thought you were evil” with an uncomfortable kiss in the hallway. I wail at the television one last time and hope that “CTU Denver” returns to its home in the ninth circle of hell.

With the time of the nuclear attack approaching, the fate of the world lies on the shaky shoulders of Brady. Bauer is coaching him in the ways of counter-terrorism by sticking things in his ear and telling him to pretend the voice he hears in his head isn’t real.

Gredenko arrives at the location and gets the information from Brady who is noticeably nervous. The sniper with the tranquilizer gun doesn’t have a shot because Brady is in the way. Bauer tells Brady to get down, which is the equivalent of asking me to do my taxes properly and on time. Luckily for Bauer and the world, Brady hits the ground and the dark hits Gredenko in the throat.

As Gredenko goes to sleep, Palmer 2.0 wakes up and calls off the nuclear strike, ending the couple hours of fun for the VP and giving liberals everywhere the hope that, if they are crazy enough, people will listen.

When Gredenko finally comes to, he strikes a deal with Bauer, saying he’ll help get Fayed as long as he is granted amnesty and he is promised he won’t be returned to Russia. I know. It’s hard to leave the land of Popeye’s Fried Chicken once you’ve had that on so delicious spice.

Attack of the Drone or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Get Off

3.19.07
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.


Audrey Raines, the woman who tamed the savage beast that is Bauer and who was mocked endlessly by some (ok me) for looking like Sheryl Crow, is dead. She got the large, red “DECEASED” stamp all over her file. This made the Bauer cry, mostly because he still has the “KNOCKED UP” stamp in his locker that they bought together. They were going stamp their files together.

Instead, Jack received another present from the world of 24. Just when it seems like he’s down and ready to sob into the knowing arms of a small tree, this box of rage shows up like a warm friend and gives him the strength he needs to kill and press on.

“It's just a box of rage
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare.”

The box of rage was given by Bright Eyes (Dead Bauer Brother’s hot wife) after she made a pass at Bauer and was denied. Bauer, the gentleman that he is, said he had to check in with Audrey to see if things were weird or cool. If things were weird, he would be allowed to get it on with Bright Eyes.

Audrey died in China looking for Jack. DNA was sent over by CTU to confirm it and it must have been legit since her file got the aforementioned red “DECEASED” stamp.

My hope: Audrey is alive and the season will end with her in a cat fight with Bright Eyes, best-out-of –three, winner take all and Bauer gets to launch random water balloons into the ring as everyone cheers.

So now Bauer has emotional pain (the only medicine for that is heroin and he stupidly gave that up) and physical pain with his internal bleeding, which forces him to hug his side from time to time.

The good thing is that both injuries are inside his body, which allows him to dispose of them the same way he gets rid of everything else that’s in him (chicken, bullets, feelings). He pushes it down and stores it for that special moment when he has to commit cannibalism. If it’s stored for too long, it comes out naturally after he eats Mexican food.

Dmitre, the crazy Russian general, is freaking out in the desert because the Americans have uncovered his position, forcing him to launch his legion of drones into the air for an early attack.

What? It’s toy planes controlled with a joystick? I played that Chuck Yeager game when I was kid too and if this is what the government has to fight wars with, then sign me up. I’m going to send my resume that will include my high score and a story about the night a landed a plane while it was raining and I was drunk on Zima. After that, Chuck Yeager personally called me and said that I was “an Army of Fun and to never leave a prostitute behind.”

Only a single drone can be launched in time and it’s headed for San Francisco, presumably to finally wipe out gay marriage and the pathetic 49ers. As expected, LA is pissed the attention is going elsewhere and is planning to gain it back by shaving her head and going into rehab for a weekend.

The VP is also pissed. He’s just waiting for another nuclear bomb to “go off” just so he can bomb the crap out of someone. And he won’t have to wait long. Drones, like teenagers, can “go off” at any moment, with just the right touch.

Though the VP is far from being a teenager, he’s set to “go off” as well, though in his case it takes a lot more time and planning. Things have to be positioned correctly and aimed. Plus, it can only be fired at certain times for the maximum payload. Do this wrong, and you run the risk of throwing out your back and landing on the floor. At this age, you only get one shot, so you have to make it count.

And the money shot for this VP is a tiny brown village inhabited by 2,000 poor people who can’t afford to live in the city. This is how America warns countries she’s pissed at them: she kills the expendable. After that, she goes after pets and raids fridges.

K Hay (Karen Harris), this season’s resident liberal, has returned to the White House just in time to wail that nuclear bombs are bad (there’s always one buzzkill at a party) and unfortunately the Palmer 2.0 is the only person who can do anything to stop it, and he’s stuck in a coma.

With the world on the brink of nuclear war and a drone flying through the air, CTU is busy…trying to figure out if Morris is drunk. Here’s what could have happened in the time wasted on this tired storyline.

-Jack could have left CTU and killed more people
-the drone could have done the elusive triple loop trick on its way to San Fran
-Tom Boy and K Hay could have engaged in a slap fight with them wailing their arms at each other while their eyes were closed.

Morris is sober, which is good because had he been drunk when CTU realized they had a leak, he would have been tortured. Instead, they took the sexy Nadia because she was born in Brown country (Saudi Arabia) and her computer was linked to assisting the drone in avoiding the radar.

How is a leak different from a mole? A leak is when you just pee your pants a little. A mole is when you flat out let it flow with a complete disregard for the safety of yourself and others.

Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder is quick to point his finger, which angers Milo “Stache” Pressman. This causes Old Man Buchanan to scream like, well an old drunk man. Nadia is brought in for questioning with Strikeforce who, we find out, gets off by hurting people. This makes sense since he’s middle-aged and won’t have to line up an intricate plan involving submarines for a couple of years.

Thanks to a sober Morris, it’s discovered that the drone is being controlled by someone three blocks away from CTU. Three stink’n blocks. I’m beginning to think this day is a cry for help by the Russians. Maybe all they want is a hug.

Bauer, after telling Old Man Buchanan he has taken up the hobby of “revenge concerning Audrey’s murderers, is leading the strike team toward the switch station where the Russian is controlling the drone with a joystick. He didn’t have to be there. A monkey or a mild-mannered gorilla would have done it for a carton of Marlboro Reds.

The Strike team succeeds in shooting people and Bauer takes control of the joystick because the most qualified person to fly a nuclear drone is the guy who has been locked up and tortured in a Chinese prison for the past two years.

Bauer lands the drone in a warehouse area, only to see it crash into something, sending the drone spinning about and catching on fire. The San Francisco police, armed with guns and a gay-dar, determined the area has been spewed upon with radioactive material and sends for haz-mat.

VP hears of this news and decides to bomb the Brown country anyway. Even though the drone didn’t technically get off on America, the drone succeeded in soiling her with his premature, radioactive goo and, as some southern farmers will tell you, that’s enough to rob anyone of their innocence.

Last Exit to Crazytown

3.12.07
6 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Crazytown is back and she’s a different kind of crazy. Instead of popping pills and flailing her arms as she screams at walls, she devours fruit and incorporates hippie phrases like “rebirth” and “happy for my happiness” into daily conversation.

The fruit and hippie-speak don’t do much for her mental stability, but it does make her hair extra curly, which is all an ex-secret service agent needs.

Aaron (Killians. He’s slimmer and much more refreshing. I’m gonna name my first-born Killians so I can call him/her “Kill”), is living the exciting life of caring for the insane. This involves answering phones, telling the patient to calm down so they don’t get “all stirred up” and occasional rumps in the sack. It’s fun to have sex with the insane, except when they cover their eyes and howl. Then sex turns into therapy…for everyone involved.

But no amount of fruit or strange sex could prepare Crazytown for the call from her ex-husband, the shamed President Charles Logan (Bug-Eyes) who routinely receives the five-second “shame stare” any time he goes out in public. The Wiggles get the same treatment, but only because they’re creepy.

(And the only thing creepier than the Wiggles is hearing Ryan Seacrest say “This is where it gets huge” as he stares at you from the television.)

Bug-Eyes needs her help. There’s a terrorist with nuclear bombs and the Russian consulate is turning into the actual Russia where people run around drunk with fear and everyone is paranoid because the vodka supply is gone.

Instead of using military force, political discussions, or anything else that makes sense (like the “I-got-your-nose” trick), CTU has given the green-light for Bug-Eyes to ask Crazytown to save the world by doing what women do best: gossip. The only person who can get through to the Russian president is his wife. And the only American his wife will speak to is Crazytown. And people wonder why Russia isn’t respected anymore.

CTU hasn’t lost all its balls. They get a shot of mindless testosterone courtesy of a silver spoon filled with a heavy dose of Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder.



Strikeforce has one mission and that’s to liberate Markov, the Russian consulate. If he happens to see Bauer along the way, he has the option of offering him a ride back to CTU, but he gets to pick the music they listen to on the way.

As always, Stache (Milo who is now donning a trendy sling) has a problem with Strikeforce, as he does with anyone who talks to sexy Nadia. Or maybe he’s upset because he’s realizing just how silly thin mustaches are.

Strikeforce does exactly what his name implies. He’s in your face, he yells at you when you try to be funny and, as long as you give him 20 minutes, he can successfully storm castles, day-care centers and Pizza Huts.

The newly-in-power VP is given the news that Strikeforce is itch’n and bitch’n to get a move on, but he’s hesitant because he doesn’t want a war with Russia, the country that hasn’t been a world power since “Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow” brought her to her knees.

Instead, the VP wants to go to war with “the country that housed the terrorist Assad.” The country is never named because it’s hard to decide which one has the most evil brown people in it, so it’s best to remain vague.

Tom Boy is forced to lie to the ambassador of the brown people and confess that he saw Assad with the tape-recorded bomb moments before it went off. Prior to this, the VP assured Tom Boy that Chad Lowe and the other guy would be punished. They will go where all white criminal politicos go: a 10,000 square-foot ranch with a swimming pool and tennis court. The downside? No more access to preteen boys and chocolate.

The VP is pissed and ready to “retaliate with a nuclear option.” Americans never say bomb. It’s sooo 1990s.

He even goes as far as threatening the full force of the American military. And as history has taught us, this means civil war, civilian strife and a condemned palace masquerading as a court house for the country that’s invaded.

Inside the Russian consulate, Jack Bauer is being treated like a 10 year old at a funhouse. He’s thrown down stairs with his hands tied up and threatened with a gun to the face (What kind of funhouses did you go to?).

And, like we all did at that age, Jack does anything he can to survive. This time, instead of cannibalism, Bauer steals the belt of a dead guy and uses it as a lasso to disarm the Russian who’s about to shoot him. This is more proof that whatever Bauer touches can be turned into a weapon. Next week he’ll be walking around with a banana and a stapler, ready for action.

The Russians are freaking out and have cut all power and outside communication to the consulate. Bauer, limping around with a gun, finds a couple in the basement (they’re probably Ukrainian pretending to be Russian). Bauer yells that he wants to talk to the outside world, which is ironic since every Russian child yells the same thing in the streets of Moscow.

With a new sense of power that she could “save the world,” Crazytown agrees to talk to the Russian wife. However, the three of them, Killians, Crazytown and Bug-Eyes are forced to talk about the unfortunate weirdness between them as they wait for the Russian wife to be available. This is what happens when you don’t have magazines or Jenga on the coffee table.

Bug-Eyes admits it’s weird for him to see Crazytown with another man, but says that Killians is a good one and that he’s happy for his ex-wife. This drives Crazytown nuts and exercises her scorned-woman’s right by stabbing her ex-husband with a knife.

When asked later if she can handle the phone call to the Russian wife, her reply is: “Of course. I’m not crazy.” You know what sane people never have to say? “I’m not crazy.”

The call is placed and the Russian prez is convinced. But the consulate won’t stand down, forcing Strikeforce to implement his plan created a mere 20 minutes ago. The building is stormed and the consulate is killed, but not before he warned Crazy Ivan (Gen. Gredenko) to launch all the drones in the desert, which are ready to be armed.

These are evil drones, armed with pain and suffering. Some will deliver nuclear bombs while others will deliver cold anchovy pizzas. No matter which one you get, you’ll be left with tears, an empty stomach and a little bit of sorrow.

24 Spinoff from Body Oder Killers

Rodney Charters needs coffee

By Eddie Shoebang
Editor
CTU: Rookie

Those looking for last week's recap click here.

Jack Bauer may have the anti-terrorism skills, balls of steel and the ability to run around for 24 hours without hunger pains. But there’s a new guy in town and he takes the missions that Jack won’t.

“I need five double espressos, four coffees with five sugars and cream…hold on. Make that six coffees.”

So begins the CTU Rookie, a series of webisodes brought to us by Degree Men, the deodorant that protects men who take risks, which includes jumping off buildings, being single and marking three deductions on your W4 and creating a spin-off of 24 that is part show and part advertisement.

Rodney Charters, the director of photography on “24” since season one, was brought on to helm the project so that the look and feel of the webisodes would feel authentic to fans of the show.

“This was a great opportunity to do some great drama for the net,” Charters said. “It’s a new type of advertising that doesn’t infiltrate our show.”

There are currently three short webisodes up on the site (all under three minutes) and the only advertising we see is the logo of Degree Men in the beginning. The rest is all CTU: The Rookie, which highlights the trials and tribulations of a new agent just trying to get his feet wet.



The rookie is Jason Blaine who is played by Jeremy Valdez. Fans will recognize Valdez as the petty officer from season five who was taught how to slit a man's throat in the Russian sub by Jack Bauer. If you don’t recognize him, congratulations, you have a life.

In terms of appearance and action, the webisodes are like tiny siblings of “24,” save for one major difference.

“There’s a lot more humor in here then we’re allowed to do in 24,” Charters said. “Nobody smiles on the set of 24.”

The rookie is joined by two supporting characters Angie Lawson (Palmer Davis) and Alton Maxwell (Eric Beck).

Currently fans can view the entire “Coffee Run” webisode and a second one, titled “Get This to…” will star airing in late March. Eventually, these will turn into commercials/short films that will air on television and feature a “24-esque cliffhanger.”

Could this mean that “24” is this generation’s “Law & Order”?

“Without Kiefer, there is no 24,” Charters said. “I can’t imagine anyone else playing him. And there are certainly people higher up who want to turn this into a James Bond-like franchise.”

That means my hope to see “24: Camp Counselor” and “24: Mall Security” in the near future is still alive.

Word on the Street: According to Charters, at the end of Day Six, there will be an animated series released called “Day Zero” and will act as a “24” prequel. Whether or not the actors would voice the characters or if the stories would even be about Jack are unknown.

And if you're feeling nostalgic about 24 spinoffs, the mobisodes of "24: Conspiracy is available on YouTube. These mobisodes were released during season four and gives another story line told in minute-long recaps.

Freedom Isn't Free

3.5.07
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.

While most people dream of hitting a 300 million dollar jackpot or scoring a threesome with models, Jack Bauer goes to sleep each night and dreams of a country that hasn’t been infiltrated by dirty and annoying consulates, which are the guest rooms America provides for her international friends.

Bauer freaks out in consulates the same way I freak out at dinner parties when someone insists I use the “dinner fork” instead of “my hands.” And, just like Bauer, I end up taking someone hostage and threaten to cut off their fingers. No one tells me I can’t eat with my hands.

To avoid the mistakes of past consulate stormings, Bauer goes in alone, barks out Russian phrases to blend in and tucks his government issued ear piece away. Instead of looking like a government agent breaking the law on international ground, he just looks like a crazy guy in a suit who wandered away from the tour because he really wants to check out the inner doings of a consulate.

Bug-Eyes had gone in the consulate before in the hope of extracting information from the Russian consul about the whereabouts of Gen. Grendenko, the Crazy Ivan of terrorists who just wants to start a good old war between America and all the Arab countries.

Crazy Ivan is also concerned since his name is now known by CTU which casues him to yell “Russia is exposed!” I’ve never seen Russia exposed, but I’m sure it’s gross and unsanitary.

The former president is hardly in the right condition to be doing any talking, especially to real people. For the last two years, he’s passed the time in house arrest by talking to his reflection in the mirror and listening to the voice of his “deepest self,” which most people call a bowel movement. If his “deepest self” is still talking after all this time, then he should swallow a bottle of laxatives and get it over with.

It’s surprising Bauer even trusts the opinion of Bug-Eyes. Before entering the consul, Bauer treated Bug-Eyes with the same contempt he puts on any senior citizen who comes up to him and says they “just want to help.” The only thing these people can do is show you where the door is in a Wal-Mart. And some of them can’t even do that properly.

After some quick torture, Bauer finds out that Crazy Ivan is in Shadow Valley launching drones in the air and will have the rest of the nukes airborne in the next two hours. He also finds out that Russians are good at blowing up doors and finds himself detained in the consulate.

He already called Old Man Buchanan to tell him what he did and was given the standard “You’re screwed” speech. Has Buchanan done anything in recent episodes besides telling people they’re screwed and watching television?

Bauer did convince one Russian to call CTU with Crazy Ivan’s location, but he was shot in the head, which is the standard punishment for a Russian guard who leaves his post.

Palmer 2.0 has been hit with shrapnel and, as of now, is lucky to be alive, especially since the doctors who are working on him were trained by watching the 1987 comedies "Critical Condition" and "Disorderlines."

The culprits of the assassination attempt have done well. Palmer 2.0 is out of commission and everything is being blamed on a now-dead Assad, whose plan for a peaceful resolution among terrorists ended with a tape-recorder bomb during a press conference. Silly Assad. Peace is for kids.

Meanwhile, the politicos are chanting “Tom Lennox” wherever they go since Chad Lowe has done such a convincing job of covering for him with his bumbling explanations and bad hair. He sould have just shook his head, mumbled “Fantasy Baseball” and people would have understood Lennox’s absence.

Tom Boy is still tied up and guarded by Carson who can make a bomb out of a tape recorder and make a death look like a suicide. All you need is a gun and a sharpie. You write “I did this” on your enemy’s forehead before you shoot them. This is taught in the Boy Scouts and summer camp. If you don’t remember this, then you were probably the kid everyone wanted to kill.

Chad Lowe doesn’t want to kill Tom Boy. They killed the president for the good of the country, but killing Tom Boy would only benefit Lowe and Carson. This is why Chad Lowe isn’t a huge movie star. He refuses to kill anyone.

After being let go, Tom Boy predictably turns on Chad and Carson, telling the secret service that they were responsible for the assassination attempt. Tom Boy even turns himself in and asks to be arrested.

Mum’s reaction: “Well, he got balls now!”
Mum’s reward for finally contributing to the blog: a handful of Pop Rocks

VP Noah Daniels has been circling in Air Force One, determined not to land until he can take over as president. Now that he is, there are two things he wants to get done: implement the “aggressive agenda of national security” (all Brown people go to jail) and showing off his hot assistant.

The VP sees Tom Boy and doesn’t want to hear that Assad is innocent. Instead, he wants Tom Boy to jump back in the game and get on board with the “Browns go Down” plan he helped write. Tom Boy finally gets to push his plan, but only at the cost of condemning an innocent man. The lesson here? Don’t do anything ever and you’ll never feel shame.

America is at war and, according to the VP, the price of that excursion is the suspension of certain civil liberties. For most people, this means phones will be tapped, computers will be monitored, smoking will be banned in your car and gay marriage will continue to be described as “icky.” For everyone else who subscribes to the ideology of Team America: World Police, freedom costs a buck o'five.