To Russia with Love

24 Season 9
Final 3 episodes
I am awful at blogging now

There was a time when after an episode of 24 aired, I immediately hit the keyboard and banged out a nonsensical essay into my thoughts, fears and annoyances around this show. Then kids and DVR happened and here we are, almost 2 weeks after the airing of the finale and I'm only now getting to it.

Or maybe I was waiting out Putin to ensure my Russia jokes would be well timed.

So here are the highlights and gripes:

• Navarro is apparently the worst CIA head in the history of bad CIA heads. He fell for the old I'm-mad-at-you-for-framing-my-husband-and-naw-yous-gonna-die routine. That's lesson 5 on day 2 man. Everyone knows that. 
• Cross/Chloe's kinda boyfriend but not really. His final act was telling her that her family died of natural car accident causes and not by some crazy conspiracy. Comforting dude. Real. Comforting. And thanks for creating the device that can hack into anything and being naive enough to think it could be used for good.
• Cheng. Of course you're back and angry. And you still remind me of my dad. And yea let's start a war and blow up ships and get China all pissed off at the States.
• Jack's companion. Easily my favorite character of the entire season. He should pop up on other shows as a lifeline in any kind of situation. In fact, I hope he shows up on Homeland. 

So now begins the chase to find Cheng to prove he exists so that China and the US don't go to war. But before Jack can do that, he gets to yell at Mark for leading the Russians to him. And his man feelings come out in rage-spits and pistol to the head waving.

Mark is ready to serve his country as a weasel, and does so with flying colors. Except the head of the Russian embassy ends up getting glass to the neck and doesn't make it. So really, Mark is just the worst person ever.

But the crown for bad decisions really goes to Audrey, who decides to "help" by meeting an old friend at assassination park. It's not actually called that, but any park across from a building with a clear line of sight is, in fact, Assassination Park. And the plan? For the friend to TELL HER DAD. And why are we meeting at a park again?

Spoiler alert. Audrey dies. Even though Kate shows up in time and takes out the actual sniper that Cheng had, another dude shows up randomly in a car and shoots Audrey in the gut. Audrey is dead. And so are Bauer's man feelings.

In fact, he gets the news in mid infiltration since he discovered Cheng's location through the tried-and-true tactic of ripping apart someone's office. Audrey is dead and Bauer considers ending his life too. Only he doesn't because another boat rampage can actually cleanse one's soul. (did I mention Chloe was kidnapped and jumped out of Cheng's truck and got in touch with Bauer and that she called him her best friend? Whatever. The kids are screaming right now).

Cheng is found and Jack provides the Chinese government with the proof they need. They still want to verify everything, but that doesn't stop jack from taking a samurai sword to Cheng's neck. A SWORD TO THE NECK.

That can't be legal right? Or sanitary? And that's almost too good of a death. Even the terrorist mom felt real fear as she plummeted out of the window.

So all is kind of right with the world, except that Mark is going to jail, Audrey is dead and everyone who ever knows Jack gets kidnapped.

In the final minutes of the episode we JUMP 12 hours to the following morning. This was enough to trick my mom who is still inquiring why there aren't more 24 episodes coming up. It's a cheap trick and essentially tells us that Bauer did all of the following in the past 12 hours:

-played juggling grenades with his companion
-updated his Bronies blog
-took a massive shit and then too its head off with the sword
-watched True Detective
-updated his Facebook page with a picture of his sword
-ate shitty UK food and took another shit
-read Wikipedia entry on Russia

The Russians took Chloe and are willing to exchange her for the great Jack Bauer. He's being whisked away, via helicopter, to the country that prides itself on hosting Winter Olympics at a summer vacation spot, housing terrorists and allegedly supplying weapons to criminals across the border to shoot down planes because WHY AGAIN?

At this point, all we know is that Jack has one true friend and that he is going to Russia with a smile on his face. Will there be a season 10? I dunno. But if there is, I'm sure I'll be super late with those blogs too, so I may as well apologize now.

While He Was Bauering...

24 Episode 8 & 9
6.16.14/6.23.14
6 p.m. - 8 p.m.

I'm glad I missed writing about last week. I would have spend 200 words talking about Alzhiemer's and how the show was telling us the only cure was to be nailed in the head with a drone. I would have gone on about how all old men just want to die alone in a stadium as they stand confused in the middle.

Thankfully, I didn't make an ass out of myself since the very next episode just discredited everything we just saw and exposed this season of 24 as a ridiculous romantic dramady.

How do you win back your ex who's now married to Tate Donovan? You create a crazy plan where it looks like you and Tate Donovan conspire to kill your ex's dad. Only in the end you didn't really and now Tate Donovan has that stupid confused Tate Donovan face on because you just shit all over his life.

Let's forget the fact that, somehow, the president was able to run away from the blast thanks to the stadium's video feed being hacked by Chloe from a pub with apparently the strongest Wi-Fi in the world. Actually the Wi-Fi is the most silly part of the whole thing. I've been in bars with Wi-Fi. It's like having a dial-up modem.

Oh and Jordan Reed is dead. The tech guy. Who had a gun but didn't shoot in time. Totally dead.

So yea, there was a doctored video feed. And somehow in the final 4 minutes before the drone missile hit, Jack called the president back in time. And they avoid the blast. And now Audrey's lady feelings are strong and hard for the Bauer.

You know who misses Lady Feelings? Margot. Everyone just leaves her and her only plan to make people stay is to threaten them with violence. Even her husband decided going toe-to-toe with a drone would be better than dealing with her incoherent threats whenever he chose not to wash the dishes.

BTW, let's consider Bauer taking the electrical cables and Batmanning through the window. And then hucking people out the window with no consideration for due process. Apparently that presidential pardon has gotten to his head. He can even tell the CIA he has someone in custody and then isn't asked to explain why said person who was in custody is now a pancake in the parking lot.

Jordan Reed. Still dead.

Finally, the true evil has revealed itself in the Override Device and it has been determined that it can get people into any security system, including the diaries of teenage girls. And now Chloe's old boss, the dude from the Crow, wants it. For what he won't say. Because he's the middle man and he compensates other people well.

He's made Navarro, head of the CIA office in London, find a way to run off with the OD thanks to a poorly timed phone call from Audrey. Somehow, she always knows the worst possible time to do anything.

"You said if I needed to disappear, you would make that happen."

Navarro. You are head of the CIA. The first lesson in the CIA is that you don't talk about the CIA. The entire agency is built on the idea of secrets and spying. You're fucking telling me you need someone else to get you out of the country? You don't have a go-bag? You don't have a storage locker with a secret identity? Fail. Big massive fail. I hope you trip as you're trying to literally run away. You probably graduate in the same class as the CIA security guard who goes down with one punch.

And Jordan Reed is still dead and no one knows how to access his computer. Send help. And cookies.

Grand Theft Bauer

24 Season 9 Episode 7
5 p.m. - 6 p.m.
6.9.14

"Her mother is sending a drone to kill her."

Few shows have the courage and the stomach for the ridiculous. Sure, other shows have vampires or incorporate lady prison feelings or mathematical dick jokes, but none have a man running around the streets of London dodging drones.

Forget the fact that all of this is based on desperate motherly rage, akin to a new mom trying to bargain with a toddler's desire to watch "Let it Go" for the 35th time that day. You want pain? Watch this a million times. Then imagine every woman in your life singing it off key. All the time. With unbridled joy.

But I digress.

When my mom wanted me to keep my mouth shut, she would simply lock me in my room or, in some extreme cases, employ the stern look that communicated the phrase "Try me" in my mind. Although if moms today want to torture their precious kids with drones, you can do that with a manned paper airplane.  C'mon scientists. We get that and no flying cars?

Maybe if flying cars existed, London would be able to pick itself up from this horrible day. Drones are now responsible for killing British soldiers, a hospital, a woman's arm in the crowd and a terrorist's husband. And the only man that can replace Margot's dead husband is a president who can't remember how Breaking Bad ended.

At least it's the late afternoon, which means bedtime is just around the corner once 7 p.m. hits. If anything, Margot is an evil genius by forcing a senior citizen to stay up past their late afternoon bedtime. Not that Heller even knows what time it is.

"I hate these people. They can justify anything."

I'm confused. Is this a Bauer monologue or is he talking to a mirror. Either way, whatever part of the brain that detects irony is now gone. After acting like a used car salesmen to Simon (lots of yelling, twisting her broken finger, walking away from a slumped body on the ground in an effort to get the sale), he saves her from the Mother Drone even though her pulse is fading and she no doubt has internal bleeding.

She's in good company at least since Benjamin Bratt lived out the dream of every American boss by sending his tech guy out in the field to get shot in the arm. That's what happens with the Wi-Fi doesn't work and the printer is broken. Just be glad you didn't bed a brown deserter or else you lose a finger.

I don't even want to get into the fact that Chloe's boss was revealed to be the mysterious voice on the other end of the phone, essentially pulling the strings. Yawn. Unless the dead traitor husband shows up alive, this plotline sucks. Oh and the Russians want Bauer too. Double yawn. Stop living in the past man. That was 4 years and a season ago.

But hijacking cars to trick drones? Yes. That's a plotline we can all get behind because deep down inside we all want to out maneuver the robotic drone sent to kill us all.

On the Edge of Torture Porn

To be fair, when I look at Yvonne Strahovski I think of the word "drilling" too. Just not in a torturey kind of way.

Jack Bauer has moved on. He's done sharing mouth air with married women (it's the new way to have a covert affair) and is demanding the feisty blonde girl he met earlier to join him on adventures.

Even President Heller is on board. If Bauer lives through the day, he'll be in prison, so he may as well go out with a metaphorical bang that includes unmarked cars, untraceable cell phones and syringes filled with drugs. I'm willing to bet this plotline came from some real-life Kiefer stories.

The plan? Re-establish cover with a known terrorist and hope the dude is absolutely fanatical about online banking, but lacks the most recent Norton update on his computer. It's sound as a pound and nothing could go wrong.

Oh wait, Heller has ALZHEIMER'S? Finally the condition has a name. For a while I thought we were dancing around the fact that he was constipated or, worse, menstruating.

As the president is being painted as a loon, the British PM is busy starting at heat signatures and basing one lifeless body as evidence that Jack is turning against the US, thus summoning MI5.

Let me get this straight. We can find a dude who's technically off the grid in a car tunnel  through heat signatures, but we can't blast drones out of the sky? The best idea is to deploy airplanes with massive metal fly swatters in the hopes of finding the unmanned aircraft that is no doubt hiding in the clouds?

Cloud cover is important when a drone is heading direct to London to completely wipe out the rest of Brown Leader's family. The plot is becoming clear. The mom wasn't down with an interracial marriage. So every Brown must die. At least, every London Brown.

And let's send the emotional fragile daughter to do the mercy killing. Makes sense. She's lost a finger and her husband in the same day. If she loses her cell phone by dropping it in the toilet, she wins a free weekend at a napping hospital for the mentally broken.

That's nothing compared to the mental scars Jack's new girl partner will endure after her torture wake-up call. It was essentially 3 tortures in the span of as many minutes. Torture sure has changed. It used to be all about timing and questioning and there was a flow. You start with the fingernails, you start asking questions and THEN you go to the bucket of pee before the electrocution. Amateurs.

At least we still have computer viruses and moles, two 24 staples that is always a consistent "c'mon" moment that we all wait for. But I have to ask. If we have a goddamn drone that can send a rocket up a man's ass, why don't we have computers that can press Enter for you? Get on it Apple. Abolish the Enter key and just make it happen.

Death From Above

Without fail, whenever some says a drone has gone rogue or someone exclaims that they've lost control of a drone, my mind immediately conjures up the image of a plastic toy flying haphazardly in the wind and inevitably clonks some poor sap on the head.

In the world of 24, the drones may as well be that, since apparently it's impossible to shoot them down once we've lost control. Really? REALLY? You lost control of 6 drones, but there isn't one drone that's living off the grid that you can put back in the field? A drone that was decommissioned because of its surly attitude and penchant for watch tower flybys?

Where have all the maverick drones gone? Even Terminator sent back the old tech to attempt to kill the rogue robot. It's the first step you take when robots go bad. You go back to the old tech and hope for the best, the same way you pick up your Blackberry with your iPhone dies.

So now President's Heller's toy drones are all over Europe's yard and are headed to attack drone supporters in London. They may be robots, but they appreciate irony just the same. Empathy, as Blade Runner has taught us, is impossible.

This development has left the British Prime Minister less than pleased.

But fear not. We will be saved by code. The beautiful bits of phrases and commands that control all things internet and wired. The code will be proof that these robots are evil and should be trialed as an adult.

Wait. It's too late.

Brown Leader has taken control of 6 drones and will be releasing its payload into the deathstar London unless Heller gives himself up. Because he killed children with drones years ago. By accident. Also this worked as a plot point on Homeland.

He's really going to save us all. He has it planned out with his 9-fingered wife how they are going to survive since he used code for good to relay his location to the authorities and he's so smart because no one will find out and only he can pilot the...

Oh damn. The mom found out. And her son can apparently learn how to pilot stuff by just watching and playing Chuck Yeager's Advanced Flight Trainer video game. AND his wife is cold blooded. Brown Leader has made some bad life choices and will now die as all cowards do, on their knees as they get shot by their mother-in-law.

Somehow, that wasn't as awkward as Audrey's reunion with Jack where he tells her he killed a bunch of Russians and she allows her lady feelings to emerge. Why is this so awkward? Because in the span of their relationship they have both allegedly died and gone to China and lost their minds. Don't remember? Watch this lame video.

Speaking of feelings, I'm sick of Mark Boudreau expressing himself at all hours of the day. He also has the constant look of con-spair, which is a mixture of confusion and despair. It's the same feeling you get when you drink what you thought was a bloody mary only to realize it's just tomato juice in ice.

Con-spair is also the feeling Heller had when he realized the raid had the wrong coordinates and that Benjamin Bratt may have died. Even more con-spairing is that in 5 minutes he's going to forget who Benjamin Bratt was and will be forced to fake it.

So now the only option is to deploy Bauer once more into the field because these drones are out of fucking control and no one ever thought of developing a giant electronic drone swatter as a precaution. All Bauer needs is to find that forgotten drone who is most likely holed up in a dive bar on the edge of town sucking on a 56k modem and watching Flight of the Navigator. If anything, the government should create its own flying silver brain to combat drones. Either that or just sign up the drones for an online porn site and they'll be down every couple of hours or so.

Mommy Dearest Loves the Little Finger

Hey Girl. I ate your pinky.

Tonight it was all about communication. Some of it was done in a room designed for ample yelling with an accusatory tone. Some of it was done with a knife. The last time I screamed like that was every time I watched True Detective.

Per usual, no one really believes Jack except the alleged criminals and his groupies. He's somehow found a way to roam around the US Embassy thanks to a stolen jacket and is on the hunt for a keycard. Already, the jacket is emerging as the Jack Bauer invisibly cloak since it can mask a sidearm and the musk of a man found in a ditch in episode one. At some point, I'm expecting Jack to put the jacket over his head and just stand still as US Marines run by him with itchy trigger fingers. 

(Jack-et. He's in the word...I have kids and I'm tired)

"Jack Bauer has hostages. But don't worry, I'm taking notes for my I'm disappointed in you speech with Benjamin Bratt, so it's all good." - Chief of Staff Mark

The Hellers are back to talking about Bauer behind closed doors and wondering if he's actually right. Makes sense. He was right the 60 other times he got in touch, but this one could be the time he's WRONG. 

Also, the president is suffering from a condition that rhymes with "pals-mymer" so it's possible he forgot who Bauer was in the minute after he hung up the phone and just referred to his memory phrase cards and picked the "Tell the marines to go in when they are ready."  To be fair, that is the right phrase to use 70% of the time when you're president. 

Side observation: If you start pretending everyone is talking about the Amazon Drones, this immediately turns in to a comedy. Just sayin.

So again, Heller makes a shitty decision. The same time he decided to have that sushi taco in Mexico and now it's rotting his brain. Or the time he thought having a chief of staff with natural curly locks was a good idea. Nope on both accounts. 

Fortunately for Bauer, Lady Dexter believes him and is willing to climb through a ventilation shaft Shawshank Style because deep down inside, she knows her husband was innocent. They keep playing this up and it's annoying. I get it. She was blinded by love. Or maybe she was never wrong and her husband was set up. By Bratt.

The finger. Dude. DUDE. How in the hell is she going to do the "shocker" now? Don't know what that is? Don't look it up. At least at work. What? You did anyway? Sicko.

I get it. You don't really need the pinky finger. All you really need is a computer with decent RAM because at the end of the day, we all hate staring at the screen as a progress bar slowly updates you. 

Riding in Cars with Boys

I thought it was slow. I thought there was going to be a weird mother-daughter love triangle in the middle of the episode. I thought "Kate Morgan" would have been a decent alias for Hannah McKay.

I did NOT think a full-fledged protester riot would be Bauer's only way in. And BTW, with all the quick flashes to the protester signs, I would have expected to see an "Attack of the Drones" one. Shame on you 24 prop guys.

But to get to the riot, we had to endure endless conversations in cars about dead family members (MORRIS IS DEAD) , criminal histories and Catelyn Stark's new identity. You know you've been watching Thrones too much when you're expecting an incest subplot to pop up and being genuinely surprised when it doesn't.

The only thing that did pop up was Terrorist Boyfriend's inner piece and, thanks to the trusty 24 clock, we also know his piece was only half loaded. It was most likely tired from a day of worrying if he had picked the right girl to marry, despite her penchant for banging other guys all in the name of a "cause."

It seems this plot to take down President "I don't know where I am" Heller is based on a US drone killing a terrorist, which in turn sparked more terrorism through the dead man's wife. Yes. This sounds like a rejected plot from Homeland.

For some reason, I feel like at some point Tate Donovan's character is going to re-enact Weekend at Bernie's with the president. Maybe part of me just wants to see that movie again, while the other part of me just wants all of me to suffer through a horrible plot point. Like getting up in front of Parliament and acting surprised when people start yelling at you. Then again, you let your daughter bang your chief of staff, so smart life decisions probably went out with the memories.

Which brings us to Fairbanks, the fake name Bauer used to gain access to the American Embassy. Only it doesn't work. Apparently Fairbanks has been flagged as a troublemaker and will be denied access. That is until Bauer uses his gun-hiding dreamcoat and shoots enough legs in the crowd to warrant a riot.

For those keeping score, it's 2 shot legs for a riot. Had he shot 3, he would have incited looting. And though he's in riot-mode, Bauer still has the common sense to turn around when a hot blonde shouts "BAUER!". We may be 1 minute closer on the Doomsday clock, but in the end, even Bauer knows the importance of getting laid...and lasting more than a commercial break.

Game of Drones

You know why I picked this picture

24 Season 9 Episode 1 & 2
11:04 am - 1pm
5.5.14

In the world of Bauer, you either win or you end up in West London pretending to take a powernap on cardboard before the CIA man-rushes you with loud bangs and lights. Thus began 24, the show that left us four years ago with talk of a movie and a massive franchise in the works. 

Instead of that, we got Kiefter Sutherland in the ill-fated Touch and Homeland, which I took as an open apology for Season 3 of 24 (the one where the writers spent half the season screwing with us).

So I thought I was done. I was fine with The Bauer getting spammed comments throughout the years and even considered re-watching the entire series for the laughs. 

But then I saw the Superbowl Ad. And then in tonight's episode, everyone kept using the term "Special Activities" and I couldn't stay away. Apparently, neither could Jack.

For the past four years, he's been keeping a low profile, hanging out with tatted up dirty European electricians who will do anything you want at the touch of your embedded Life Alert device in your hand.

Things have changed. Bauer wears a hoodie now and is forced to coerce people to help him instead of asking because (welp) he has no friends. Life Alert is helpful, but it doesn't pour you a drink or provide a customary reach-around when you need it.

Chloe has changed too (same confused scowl-face though, despite the goth look) and is now a Freedom Hacktivist, which means she sets information free.  It's like that time your friend took your iPhone and made all your private Spotify playlists public, which exposed your love for Taylor Swift and the soundtrack to the film "Frozen." Sure, it's embarrassing, but in the end the public had to know. 

After four years, it seems the CIA has cornered Bauer and is hauling him in for questioning by the mysterious Special Activities division. With that vague of a name, I have to imagine they can engage in torture and endless games of Uno in the same day. 

At this point, we know what's going to happen. Jack puts on his constipated face and his vitals remain steady. Then the blonde from Dexter shows up and he experiences an erection emotion. Yes he wanted to get caught and before anyone knows what's going on, Life Alert shows up and starts firing shit through the road and dropping down $500 rescue ladders.

It's all for the good of the country who chose to mark Jack as a terrorist and elect a president with a "condition" that makes him forget facts and numbers. This "condition" could be Alzheimer's or Oldness. Either way, The President Heller plot is boring, aside from the "I remember how annoying Audrey was in Season 4" factor. #massive24nerd

The true danger is revealed later to be the cold, emotionless drones, flying above our heads ready to drop bombs or Amazon.com packages (only if you're an Optimus Prime member). Someone has found a way to hack 10 of them and that someone has a penchant for slutty girls with Russian accents. 

Nerds. I get it. Slutty girls with Russian accents are a fantastic fantasy. But seriously, get paid first and definitely don't leave the thing that's worth billions on the bathroom sink while you take a pee. Or knife to the brain you will get. (Seriously writers? A knife to the BRAIN?)

So who wants to control the drones? It's Catelyn Stark from Game of Thrones, who has a history of mothering cripples and imprisoning innocent men. Now her sights are set on moving the doomsday clock closer to, well, doom. She's starting by attacking confused old men yelling at the clouds above them. Heads and bombs will surely roll.