5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
5.22.2006
The first twenty minutes of episode one had no commercials and barely any time to breathe. The Russian sub had been taken over, the missiles were being aimed at "high density areas (which had to be Red Light Distracts and crack houses at this hour), and the Alliance (Bauer and Anti-Bauer) were preparing to stop the attack.
With no one else en route, the Alliance had to rely on a "petty officer" (minority) who survived the gas attack. He was an engineer and, like others in his field, had to be given a step-by-step tutorial on how to kill a man.
1. Find weapon
2. Get mad
3. Put weapon in "good" hand
4. Sneak up on bad man
5. Stay mad
6. Grab head. Be sure to maintain same level of rage
7. Slit throat/vocal chords so he can't scream
8. If you miss throat, increase rage and start stabbing repetitively
Bauer wrote "Kill anything in 3.5 seconds for Dummies," so he's good at teaching people how to kill. When not working, Bauer volunteers at children's hospitals and entertains them by passing out free copies of his book and doing a quick demonstration. From what I hear from the cancer kids, he's a big hit, especially when he takes down an angry clown.
The Alliance entered the sub just as Warlock punched in the codes to annihilate most of San Francisco, probably because gay marriage creeps him out. Anti-Bauer worked on shutting down the launch as Bauer and the CTU drone hunt for the rest of Warlock's men.
CTU drone does his job by getting killed and exposing the enemy. After melting a guy's face to a pipe, Bauer wrestles with Warlock and even takes a wrench to the head without getting knocked out (That makes sense. Wrenches aren't concussion inducing at all).
Bauer eventually kills him with his "monkey technique" by hanging on a pipe and snapping Warlock's neck with his feet. He usually does monkey sounds. I don't know why he didn't this time. Oh right, he was hit with a wrench.
The launch has been stopped and the Alliance is now broken. Anti-Bauer wanted a new life and to disappear. But Bauer was never going to let him go. Bauer never even gave him a loaded gun. The gun was loaded with pain and anguish, which does hurt a great deal, but it doesn't completely kill a man. However, a bullet to the throat can.
With Anti-Bauer dead, Bauer is now focused on taking out another enemy: Logan. If Bauer has time, he'll take out his other nemesis: the tenacious beaver that constantly knocks over his trash cans at his summer cabin. Even after 100 rounds into the bushes and a controlled fire, that damn beaver continues to live.
Naturally, he needs help and calls Scowl-Face for a favor. He wants some field equipment modified. He also wants her to feed his goldfish "Hacksaw" since he won't be returning to CTU.
There's always a surprise at the end of a 24 season and since it began with a sexy secret from Scowl-Face, it's fitting it ended with another guy she had sex with (which brings the official count to two and giving hope to computer nerds everywhere).
Scowl-Face was married and now that guy sells woman's shoes in Beverly Hills. Even more shocking is that the guy is witty, charming, and seems like the type who would hang out in hotel bars to pick up lonely woman. Only instead of buying them a drink, he shows them how big his hard-drive is ("Two hundred gigs in the palm of your hand?! Who are you?").
His name is Morris O'Brien and since he was the one that gave Scowl-Face her last name, I can only assume he's also the one that gave her that lovable attitude, probably by having cybersex with Scowl-Face's mortal Internet enemy, HottieBigBoobs18. Don't let the number fool you. She's really 34 and she's not that hot. She just knows how to type vulgar words really fast.
And a shoe salesman? For reals? Couldn't he find something more respectable like working at a movie theater or sweeping up elephant crap at the zoo? Maybe the divorce with Scowl-Face was so horrible that a life in retail was the only way for him to get rid of the pain. Or maybe he just digs feet.
Crazytown has brought Novick on board by telling him she's "more sober…and sane" than she's ever been. Finally, after 23 hours, the drugs have kicked in. She must have Medicare. If only she had Canadian healthcare and access to weed, Mother Nature's painkiller.
With Novick, Crazytown, and Aaron working together, they have formed the trifecta of truth. They are like the Mod Squad for the middle-aged and criminally insane. Crazytown flaps her arms and yells, Novick tries to talk people out of things, and Aaron shoots people. They also perform karaoke together on Friday nights.
Logan is on his way to see Palmer's body shipped to Virginia and is in a hurry. He has to be stalled so Bauer can sneak on the presidential helicopter. Crazytown is sent in and after trying to distract Logan with an apology and her feelings, she lures him into her love trap by giving him the green light to pounce on her.
Nasty, weird, 5 a.m. sex was just enough for Bauer to change places with the co-pilot and get on the plane. Logan, after doing a five-minute hump, gets on the helicopter with the secret service and the mission is on.
If the power of Bauer isn't enough to compel Logan to confess, Bauer is determined to take it "as far as I have to" to make things right. That either means torture or taking off his pants.
Inside an abandoned printing press facility (the new American ghost town since no one reads newspapers anymore), Bauer handcuffed Logan to a pipe and patted him down for weapons. Bauer finds a cell phone, a pen, a speech, and a very erect penis thanks to a Vigara-Cialis cocktail. Morris showed up earlier to give Bauer a case of CTU goodies.
I expected torture, maybe even some nose pulling and gun poking in the eye. Instead, we got Bauer yelling about how he's lost everything good in his life (what about Scowl-Face? Sheryl Crow? His Freedom Satchel??) and him counting to three while aiming a gun at Logan's head.
Logan: "You can't do this Bauer. You love the country too much."
It was true. Just like his love for heroin, Bauer's love for his country was too strong to ignore and he was unable to pull the trigger, allowing him to be detained and Logan set free.
Before Logan gets to her, Novick informed Crazytown that Bauer was unable to extract anything from Logan. This was her cue to go crazy and to start screaming "murderer" and "limp dick" for everyone to hear. Personally, I'd rather be known as a killer instead of a guy who couldn't get it up, but that's just me.
Crazytown ran into a hanger and yelled about all the bad things Logan has done throughout the day. Logan yelled about how he was used for sex. I yelled at the television because I wanted Bauer to fall from the ceiling with a gun or bust through a wall wearing the Duffman costume from the Simpsons and yelling "Duffman! Oh yea! Busted!"
But no. None of that happened and Logan left to give a speech about how he's had a crappy but awesome day all at the same time. The speech had the same kind of misguided enthusiasm as a banner screaming "Mission Accomplished" would have had.
Back at CTU 2.0, Scowl-Face has got the Attorney General on the phone again (that's twice he's been bothered by the same agency. If it happens a third time in the same day, he's within his rights to burn that agency to the ground).
K Hay and Old Man Buchanan are super pissed until they hear Recording 2.0, this time in enhanced surround sound. The device was hidden in Logan's pen and was enough to bring Logan down and bring an end to Bauer's long day of mayhem. Bauer fooled us all.
The day is over and just like the last day of school before summer vacation, the atmosphere is filled with horny anticipation and tears. Old Man Buchanan, feeling pretty confident with his Cialis pills in his belly (good for 36 hours so you can bang on your time, not the pills) muster's up the courage to ask K Hay to breakfast. She says no, but takes a raincheck, which really means she wants to bang in the parking lot (woman can sense a man with a belly full of Cialis).
Scowl-Face shared an emotional moment with a picture of her and Edgar. They are both smiling, probably because it was taken at the annual CTU picnic. Morris put his hand around her and brings her away, most likely to buy her a new pair of shoes.
As for Bauer and Sheryl Crow, they have a moment together on the street in the warm LA morning sun. But, as always, the two of them ruin their chances by saying things like "Everything's gonna be all right" and "Be right back." Those are death statements and should only be uttered in horror movies and in the uncharted forests of Maine.
Just when I think the season will end happily, the Chinese show up and ruin everything. They took Bauer away and beat the crap out of him. They are still pissed from Season 4 (Whatever. They are always pissed) and want to bring Bauer back to China for a good caning and a life of torture.
It's that same Chinese bastard that reminds me of my dad from last season. And, just like pops, he shows up randomly to ruin your life.
So as Sheryl Crow screams frantically for her man, Bauer is hauled off in a ship bound for China, beat up, bruised and with only one eye open. He's on his way for what will undoubtedly be the worst day of his life, because no matter how bad an American day is, life is always ten times worse in China. Mostly because they lack a sense of humor.
See you in 2K7…
5.23.2006
5.16.2006
The Politics of Survival
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
5.15.06
The recording, the main focus for about five episodes, was deemed worthless because it was empty. Five episodes down the drain because Miles, the evil mole, used Homeland Security voodoo to erase whatever was on the recording.
Actually, according to the episode guide on the 24 website, the Evil Mole used a "black device" that he placed next to the recording. I don't know what the "black device" is and feel more comfortable calling it "voodoo" until I hear otherwise. That's not true. I call any black inanimate object "voodoo."
Bauer is also pissed that five episodes were wasted. He stormed into the main area with a guard following and calling out "Mr. Bauer" to try to stop him from grabbing Evil Mole by the neck.
Bauer's reaction: turning around and punching said CTU guard in the gut
Reason: That's how Bauer says "Leave me alone." Ask Kim. She used to get punched in the gut all the time.
Evil Mole did it to gain entrance in the hallowed halls of the White House, where he can put his evil schemes to work for the most corrupt government in the world. He just wants to join the party.
With the recording gone, Logan has dismissed the charges on Bauer, thanks to new evidence he obtained from the Presidential Ouija Board, which is how most lawmakers make big decisions. Rumor has it, it's how Bush decided to let go of the "Catch and Release" plan for illegal immigrants and switching it to "Operation Open Arms." As predicted, each new citizen will be given a copy of Journey's Greatest Hits with an American flag.
Logan is also trying to tie up loose ends, which means finding Aaron, the Sentinel, and seeing if he's cool with what went on today. Since he went missing, Aaron has apparently been tortured, either by being beaten or by being force-fed blood. Both suck hard.
Logan: "So in exchange for your silence, I'll transfer you to whatever post you want. Except Hawaii."
The Sentinel: "You are a traitor and a disgrace to this office. Is that it…Charles?"
Logan: "…You really wanted Hawaii, didn't you?"
Logan should be worried. Secret Service agents only use first names with drinking buddies and dead men. Logan is in danger of being the latter. Because of the outburst of subordination, Logan gives the glance of death (it's not as long as the look of death, but just as effective) and the Secret Service drone goes back to kill the Sentinel.
As the drone brings the Sentinel into the garage, Crazytown shows up. She was trying to kill herself on a smoke break because she couldn't get the child protective cap off her bottle of Kill Pills.
She sees her beloved Sentinel and shoots the drone after he gets kicked in the leg. Crazytown and the Sentinel share a moment in the dirty garage. If the Sentinel hadn't been tortured, they probably would have gotten it on…which is all Crazytown is looking for. Dirty sex with a man instead of the boring weepy sex she has with Logan.
Instead of sex, the Sentinel doing something else that's just as fun. He's implementing the Bauer Plan, which is to convince everyone that you're dead, hide in a closet, and jump out at the appropriate time, preferably in the middle of a sneeze. No one likes being surprised, especially in mid-sneeze. They hurt more that way.
But there's a new threat and until that is taken care of, no one can have sex (except Bauer. He has sex whenever he wants). Warlock has escaped and has a secondary terrorist strike. It involves one last death can, but instead of using it to kill people, he's using it to commandeer a Russian submarine capable of launching warheads into a city.
Just as Alec Baldwin said in "Hunt for the Red October," this type of situation is "Not good." (This is Alec Baldwin. I didn't say that. And my ex wife is a slut-bag whore who sucks in bed. I'm talking Fran Drescher bad)
There were no satellites or drunken witnesses to Warlock's escape, so CTU 2.0 (now back in the old office) has no leads to go on, forcing them to cut a deal with Anti-Bauer for information on Warlock.
"NO! NO! NO!"
That was Bauer. He doesn't even want to see it written in the blog. The only thing that convinces him to deal with Anti-Bauer is Old Man Buchanan playing the "What Would David Palmer Do?" card.
"ARGH! You're right. That bastard would have wanted to protect the country. But I want to kill. Right now."
Settle down Bauer. It'll come in due time. Anti-Bauer is hanging out in the Bauer Playpen. He knows they want to offer him a deal of immunity, but he doesn't want that. He wants to use the Bauer Plan, which is to disappear completely and live off the grid. It's now one of the more attractive options for retirement.
Anti-Bauer: "I want to take my wife and disappear like you did to avoid the Chinese. Only I'll be smarter. I'll leave the country and I won't order take-out all the time."
Bauer: "I had a coupon dammit. It was going to expire."
Anti-Bauer: "Those chicken wings have made you weak, my son."
This is what Anti-Bauer calls the Politics of Survival and, apparently, it's how the world really works. Through some extensive research (drank more beer), I discovered the major points in the Politics of Survival
1. Use Terrorism: Either for good or evil. Whoever gets killed wasn't meant to survive
2. Torture Cleanses the Soul: Works better than coffee and a bran muffin
3. Disappear at the End of the Day: This is "personal time." Use it wisely
4. Record your Conversations: To be used as blackmail. Also to hear the majesty of your voice
Bauer eventually agrees to the deal, but only if he gets Warlock's head on a plate. Not only has he had a long day, but he's pretty hungry. He usually prefers garnish, but under the circumstances, he'll take it as is.
This leads to the Alliance, Bauer and Anti-Bauer working as one, despite the fact they distrust each other completely and possess no feelings of camaraderie. The Alliance comes forth with 14 names of people Warlock would contact. Only one has a cell phone and is on the Cingular Wireless plan, which means he knows technology and he can't be trusted (no one with Cingular can be trusted).
His name is Molina and he is the Tech God. He has the latest version of Firefox, the best firewalls in the business, and never buys music, movies or porn. Why can't Scowl Face find a guy like this?
In fact, his firewall (Phoenix Shield) is so good, that if you try to hack into it, it blows up your computer and kicks your dog in the face. If you don't have a dog, it finds the nearest dog in the area. Tech God hates dogs.
The Alliance shows up at Molina's and Anti-Bauer is going in. As he steps into the Tech God cave, he immediately sells out Bauer and CTU by saying that he's been sent there to bring him in and that Tech God should erase everything he has. This upsets Bauer (remember, he's hungry. Still wants Warlock's head on a plate) and he sends his men in.
Curtis gets hit (let's hope it was a personality bullet) and the entire place is raided. Anti-Bauer shakes his head.
Anti-Bauer: "I had him. Thirty more seconds and I would have had him."
Bauer: "You had nothing."
Anti-Bauer: "Dude, the firewall was down. You had your chance to sneak a peek. Now it's gone. Loser."
Anti-Bauer was right. Like a teenage girl using no using birth control, Tech God's computer was wide open and susceptible to unwanted penetration. Bauer, blinded by his own rage, made a mistake. And now he wants to kill Anti-Bauer even more. No one fools Bauer and definitely not twice in a 24-hour period.
It doesn't matter. Warlock gets to the Russian Sub, AKA The Widowmaker, and releases his one last death can into its belly. This should have been the plan all along. Everyone knows it's a lot more fun to launch missiles into the air than releasing gas. It's like launching spitballs instead of farting. Both are fun, but where spitballs hit a certain target, farting can hurt you too.
5.15.06
The recording, the main focus for about five episodes, was deemed worthless because it was empty. Five episodes down the drain because Miles, the evil mole, used Homeland Security voodoo to erase whatever was on the recording.
Actually, according to the episode guide on the 24 website, the Evil Mole used a "black device" that he placed next to the recording. I don't know what the "black device" is and feel more comfortable calling it "voodoo" until I hear otherwise. That's not true. I call any black inanimate object "voodoo."
Bauer is also pissed that five episodes were wasted. He stormed into the main area with a guard following and calling out "Mr. Bauer" to try to stop him from grabbing Evil Mole by the neck.
Bauer's reaction: turning around and punching said CTU guard in the gut
Reason: That's how Bauer says "Leave me alone." Ask Kim. She used to get punched in the gut all the time.
Evil Mole did it to gain entrance in the hallowed halls of the White House, where he can put his evil schemes to work for the most corrupt government in the world. He just wants to join the party.
With the recording gone, Logan has dismissed the charges on Bauer, thanks to new evidence he obtained from the Presidential Ouija Board, which is how most lawmakers make big decisions. Rumor has it, it's how Bush decided to let go of the "Catch and Release" plan for illegal immigrants and switching it to "Operation Open Arms." As predicted, each new citizen will be given a copy of Journey's Greatest Hits with an American flag.
Logan is also trying to tie up loose ends, which means finding Aaron, the Sentinel, and seeing if he's cool with what went on today. Since he went missing, Aaron has apparently been tortured, either by being beaten or by being force-fed blood. Both suck hard.
Logan: "So in exchange for your silence, I'll transfer you to whatever post you want. Except Hawaii."
The Sentinel: "You are a traitor and a disgrace to this office. Is that it…Charles?"
Logan: "…You really wanted Hawaii, didn't you?"
Logan should be worried. Secret Service agents only use first names with drinking buddies and dead men. Logan is in danger of being the latter. Because of the outburst of subordination, Logan gives the glance of death (it's not as long as the look of death, but just as effective) and the Secret Service drone goes back to kill the Sentinel.
As the drone brings the Sentinel into the garage, Crazytown shows up. She was trying to kill herself on a smoke break because she couldn't get the child protective cap off her bottle of Kill Pills.
She sees her beloved Sentinel and shoots the drone after he gets kicked in the leg. Crazytown and the Sentinel share a moment in the dirty garage. If the Sentinel hadn't been tortured, they probably would have gotten it on…which is all Crazytown is looking for. Dirty sex with a man instead of the boring weepy sex she has with Logan.
Instead of sex, the Sentinel doing something else that's just as fun. He's implementing the Bauer Plan, which is to convince everyone that you're dead, hide in a closet, and jump out at the appropriate time, preferably in the middle of a sneeze. No one likes being surprised, especially in mid-sneeze. They hurt more that way.
But there's a new threat and until that is taken care of, no one can have sex (except Bauer. He has sex whenever he wants). Warlock has escaped and has a secondary terrorist strike. It involves one last death can, but instead of using it to kill people, he's using it to commandeer a Russian submarine capable of launching warheads into a city.
Just as Alec Baldwin said in "Hunt for the Red October," this type of situation is "Not good." (This is Alec Baldwin. I didn't say that. And my ex wife is a slut-bag whore who sucks in bed. I'm talking Fran Drescher bad)
There were no satellites or drunken witnesses to Warlock's escape, so CTU 2.0 (now back in the old office) has no leads to go on, forcing them to cut a deal with Anti-Bauer for information on Warlock.
"NO! NO! NO!"
That was Bauer. He doesn't even want to see it written in the blog. The only thing that convinces him to deal with Anti-Bauer is Old Man Buchanan playing the "What Would David Palmer Do?" card.
"ARGH! You're right. That bastard would have wanted to protect the country. But I want to kill. Right now."
Settle down Bauer. It'll come in due time. Anti-Bauer is hanging out in the Bauer Playpen. He knows they want to offer him a deal of immunity, but he doesn't want that. He wants to use the Bauer Plan, which is to disappear completely and live off the grid. It's now one of the more attractive options for retirement.
Anti-Bauer: "I want to take my wife and disappear like you did to avoid the Chinese. Only I'll be smarter. I'll leave the country and I won't order take-out all the time."
Bauer: "I had a coupon dammit. It was going to expire."
Anti-Bauer: "Those chicken wings have made you weak, my son."
This is what Anti-Bauer calls the Politics of Survival and, apparently, it's how the world really works. Through some extensive research (drank more beer), I discovered the major points in the Politics of Survival
1. Use Terrorism: Either for good or evil. Whoever gets killed wasn't meant to survive
2. Torture Cleanses the Soul: Works better than coffee and a bran muffin
3. Disappear at the End of the Day: This is "personal time." Use it wisely
4. Record your Conversations: To be used as blackmail. Also to hear the majesty of your voice
Bauer eventually agrees to the deal, but only if he gets Warlock's head on a plate. Not only has he had a long day, but he's pretty hungry. He usually prefers garnish, but under the circumstances, he'll take it as is.
This leads to the Alliance, Bauer and Anti-Bauer working as one, despite the fact they distrust each other completely and possess no feelings of camaraderie. The Alliance comes forth with 14 names of people Warlock would contact. Only one has a cell phone and is on the Cingular Wireless plan, which means he knows technology and he can't be trusted (no one with Cingular can be trusted).
His name is Molina and he is the Tech God. He has the latest version of Firefox, the best firewalls in the business, and never buys music, movies or porn. Why can't Scowl Face find a guy like this?
In fact, his firewall (Phoenix Shield) is so good, that if you try to hack into it, it blows up your computer and kicks your dog in the face. If you don't have a dog, it finds the nearest dog in the area. Tech God hates dogs.
The Alliance shows up at Molina's and Anti-Bauer is going in. As he steps into the Tech God cave, he immediately sells out Bauer and CTU by saying that he's been sent there to bring him in and that Tech God should erase everything he has. This upsets Bauer (remember, he's hungry. Still wants Warlock's head on a plate) and he sends his men in.
Curtis gets hit (let's hope it was a personality bullet) and the entire place is raided. Anti-Bauer shakes his head.
Anti-Bauer: "I had him. Thirty more seconds and I would have had him."
Bauer: "You had nothing."
Anti-Bauer: "Dude, the firewall was down. You had your chance to sneak a peek. Now it's gone. Loser."
Anti-Bauer was right. Like a teenage girl using no using birth control, Tech God's computer was wide open and susceptible to unwanted penetration. Bauer, blinded by his own rage, made a mistake. And now he wants to kill Anti-Bauer even more. No one fools Bauer and definitely not twice in a 24-hour period.
It doesn't matter. Warlock gets to the Russian Sub, AKA The Widowmaker, and releases his one last death can into its belly. This should have been the plan all along. Everyone knows it's a lot more fun to launch missiles into the air than releasing gas. It's like launching spitballs instead of farting. Both are fun, but where spitballs hit a certain target, farting can hurt you too.
5.09.2006
Landing Gears: Catalysts of Confusion
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.8.06
I thought he was dead. He took a nose dive off the road and landed upside down, but now Curtis is saying that Papa Heller is alive and recovering.
Curtis: "It's good news."
No it's not. It’s horrible news. That means the funniest death of the season doesn't even count anymore (it used to rival the CTU security guard taking a big gasp of infected air, saying "we're going to be ok!" and slumping over in a slobbery mess).
Apparently Papa Heller had the same Marine training as David Blaine, who is still trying to find a creative way to die (I really thought he had a winner this time).
With the car filled with water, Papa held his breath, probably roamed around the car for loose change, and then swam up to the surface. He was eventually picked up by one of Curtis' teams who got lost on the way to the In and Out burger for a late night snack.
After hours of running around doing grunt work, Cutis finally has an assignment: Bring Jack Bauer into CTU. He's had this mission before and he sucks at it. If you can't drive a man back to a certain building, you aren't even qualified to be a taxi driver, let alone be allowed to carry a gun.
Graham Cracker, Logan's go-to guy, has faked a VCI signal that basically tells anyone with a radio that the hi-jacked plane is now being turned into a missile. There are other signals like MCI, which means the pilot is frustrated and in a bad mood and TNA, which means the pilot wants a cup of coffee and a blowjob.
Logan doesn't want to shoot the plane out of the sky, but Graham Cracker reminds him of prison and how much it sucks getting ass-rammed by a man named Bubba in the joint. So for the good of the country, Logan decides to sacrifice Bauer and 50 innocent people because he still hasn't hit his presidential quota for deaths in a day (it's at least 70. If he hits 100, he gets a special t-shirt from Homeland Security that says "Gacy Ain't got Shit on Me")
Novick is troubled by everything, but has gotten softer in his old age. Instead of bickering with the president, he resorts to engaging Logan in staring contests. When Logan isn't around, Novick just stares at the floor, looking for answers and eventually wondering if he should buy new shoes.
CTU 2.0 has now moved to a conference room within CTU 1.0 and is housing Old Man Buchanan, Scowl Face, and K Hay. Creepy Miles doesn't like being out of the loop and calls K Hay from the floor demanding to know what's going on. Scowl Face and Old Man say it's a bad idea, but K Hay sees Miles as a loyal dog and feels she needs to tell him.
She brings him into the CTU halls of truth (truth can't be exposed on the main floor. It turns into folklore within seconds) and lays everything on him. Miles freaks out, but eventually agrees to keep things moving slowly.
Bauer has his gun to the pilot and only yells at him. Since Air Bauer is about to be shot down, they find a landing area that is around 5,000 feet, which happens to be freeway 118.
Pilot: "That's not long enough."
Bauer: "That's what she said…NOW FLY THE DAMN PLANE!" (ah the Bauer wit).
The military is trained to react to all sorts of different situations. But when they see landing gears, everyone starts freaking out.
F18: "The plane is in target. I have missile lock. Whoa! The landing gear is down! What's going on?! This doesn't look good. Nah, it doesn't look good at all."
Logan: "You take that shot! It doesn't get any prettier than that!"
F18: "I'll take the shot when I'm goddamn good and ready!" (cue "Danger Zone"…now)
Is it gonna land? Are they fucking with us? What is up with those landing gears? Essentially, it means that if you fire on a plane with landing gears, you are shooting a plane that could have been landing. It could have also been heading toward a residential neighborhood and felt that landing gears could cause more damage.
Despite all the last minute confusion, the plane lands on freeway 118 safely, without crashing into anything (boo!). With everyone running out the back, Bauer decides to live out a childhood fantasy and escape from the side of the plane and sliding off the wing (weeee!).
Curtis finally doesn't something right and pulls around the area where Bauer is hiding. The Marines are too focused on making sure people aren't falling off the ass-part of the plane to notice a man with a Freedom Satchel running across the runway and leaping over a fence.
When a person is still awake past 3 a.m. they either become hungry or suicidal. Since Bauer has the recording back at CTU with the Attorney General awaiting to hear it, Logan has figured that the best option for him is to blast his head off with the presidential suicide gun (it's silver, shiny, and each of the bullets are engraved with the word "Nixon").
But before he offs himself, he figures he should talk to Crazytown, to remind himself just how much life would suck if he stuck around. He also needs a drink, partly for courage and partly because all dead men deserve one last meal. I personally would have been thinking Arby's in that situation.
Again, Bauer and Sheryl Crow think it's safe again to share a lifetime moment where he sits on the end of her bed and kisses her kneecap. She smiles and he fondles her leg some more. Romantic Bauer freaks me out.
As always, their happiness is premature because in the midst of the love there is hate growing. And that hate is in the bowels of Warlock, who has woken up from his nap (he apparently slept on only the left side of his body) and is now being transferred by CTU drones and one friend truck driver. What evil schemes does Warlock have planned and, more importantly, do they involve a potato gun? I'm assuming they must since he's all out of weapons and men.
Logan is about to implant the Nixon bullet into his brain when he hears the phone ring and it distracts him. Logan likes loud sounds and after being told the call is about Bauer, is compelled to pick it up.
On the other end is Creepy Miles, pledging allegiance to the president in the hope of getting a better job in the future, or at least a better desk. Creepy now plans to use his powers of creepiness to gain presidential favor and allows Logan to save his Nixon bullet for another day. It also gives Logan another chance to get some late-night Arby's.
5.8.06
I thought he was dead. He took a nose dive off the road and landed upside down, but now Curtis is saying that Papa Heller is alive and recovering.
Curtis: "It's good news."
No it's not. It’s horrible news. That means the funniest death of the season doesn't even count anymore (it used to rival the CTU security guard taking a big gasp of infected air, saying "we're going to be ok!" and slumping over in a slobbery mess).
Apparently Papa Heller had the same Marine training as David Blaine, who is still trying to find a creative way to die (I really thought he had a winner this time).
With the car filled with water, Papa held his breath, probably roamed around the car for loose change, and then swam up to the surface. He was eventually picked up by one of Curtis' teams who got lost on the way to the In and Out burger for a late night snack.
After hours of running around doing grunt work, Cutis finally has an assignment: Bring Jack Bauer into CTU. He's had this mission before and he sucks at it. If you can't drive a man back to a certain building, you aren't even qualified to be a taxi driver, let alone be allowed to carry a gun.
Graham Cracker, Logan's go-to guy, has faked a VCI signal that basically tells anyone with a radio that the hi-jacked plane is now being turned into a missile. There are other signals like MCI, which means the pilot is frustrated and in a bad mood and TNA, which means the pilot wants a cup of coffee and a blowjob.
Logan doesn't want to shoot the plane out of the sky, but Graham Cracker reminds him of prison and how much it sucks getting ass-rammed by a man named Bubba in the joint. So for the good of the country, Logan decides to sacrifice Bauer and 50 innocent people because he still hasn't hit his presidential quota for deaths in a day (it's at least 70. If he hits 100, he gets a special t-shirt from Homeland Security that says "Gacy Ain't got Shit on Me")
Novick is troubled by everything, but has gotten softer in his old age. Instead of bickering with the president, he resorts to engaging Logan in staring contests. When Logan isn't around, Novick just stares at the floor, looking for answers and eventually wondering if he should buy new shoes.
CTU 2.0 has now moved to a conference room within CTU 1.0 and is housing Old Man Buchanan, Scowl Face, and K Hay. Creepy Miles doesn't like being out of the loop and calls K Hay from the floor demanding to know what's going on. Scowl Face and Old Man say it's a bad idea, but K Hay sees Miles as a loyal dog and feels she needs to tell him.
She brings him into the CTU halls of truth (truth can't be exposed on the main floor. It turns into folklore within seconds) and lays everything on him. Miles freaks out, but eventually agrees to keep things moving slowly.
Bauer has his gun to the pilot and only yells at him. Since Air Bauer is about to be shot down, they find a landing area that is around 5,000 feet, which happens to be freeway 118.
Pilot: "That's not long enough."
Bauer: "That's what she said…NOW FLY THE DAMN PLANE!" (ah the Bauer wit).
The military is trained to react to all sorts of different situations. But when they see landing gears, everyone starts freaking out.
F18: "The plane is in target. I have missile lock. Whoa! The landing gear is down! What's going on?! This doesn't look good. Nah, it doesn't look good at all."
Logan: "You take that shot! It doesn't get any prettier than that!"
F18: "I'll take the shot when I'm goddamn good and ready!" (cue "Danger Zone"…now)
Is it gonna land? Are they fucking with us? What is up with those landing gears? Essentially, it means that if you fire on a plane with landing gears, you are shooting a plane that could have been landing. It could have also been heading toward a residential neighborhood and felt that landing gears could cause more damage.
Despite all the last minute confusion, the plane lands on freeway 118 safely, without crashing into anything (boo!). With everyone running out the back, Bauer decides to live out a childhood fantasy and escape from the side of the plane and sliding off the wing (weeee!).
Curtis finally doesn't something right and pulls around the area where Bauer is hiding. The Marines are too focused on making sure people aren't falling off the ass-part of the plane to notice a man with a Freedom Satchel running across the runway and leaping over a fence.
When a person is still awake past 3 a.m. they either become hungry or suicidal. Since Bauer has the recording back at CTU with the Attorney General awaiting to hear it, Logan has figured that the best option for him is to blast his head off with the presidential suicide gun (it's silver, shiny, and each of the bullets are engraved with the word "Nixon").
But before he offs himself, he figures he should talk to Crazytown, to remind himself just how much life would suck if he stuck around. He also needs a drink, partly for courage and partly because all dead men deserve one last meal. I personally would have been thinking Arby's in that situation.
Again, Bauer and Sheryl Crow think it's safe again to share a lifetime moment where he sits on the end of her bed and kisses her kneecap. She smiles and he fondles her leg some more. Romantic Bauer freaks me out.
As always, their happiness is premature because in the midst of the love there is hate growing. And that hate is in the bowels of Warlock, who has woken up from his nap (he apparently slept on only the left side of his body) and is now being transferred by CTU drones and one friend truck driver. What evil schemes does Warlock have planned and, more importantly, do they involve a potato gun? I'm assuming they must since he's all out of weapons and men.
Logan is about to implant the Nixon bullet into his brain when he hears the phone ring and it distracts him. Logan likes loud sounds and after being told the call is about Bauer, is compelled to pick it up.
On the other end is Creepy Miles, pledging allegiance to the president in the hope of getting a better job in the future, or at least a better desk. Creepy now plans to use his powers of creepiness to gain presidential favor and allows Logan to save his Nixon bullet for another day. It also gives Logan another chance to get some late-night Arby's.
5.02.2006
Red Eye
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.1.06
Karen Hayes, formerly of Homeland Security, has now switched to the underground operation that is CTU 2.0. It's a secretive bunch that has a special handshake, decoder rings, and requires you to lie to everyone you know all the time. This is also the same job description they give to political lobbyists.
K Hay has embraced the power of Bauer and is here to help Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face, at least a little bit. The Homeland Security drones are on the way and they have to leave. Because Buchanan is an old man and prefers to be led places rather than to lead, he tells Chloe to run to the nearby hotel. It's his "prostitute hangout" after midnight when he just wants to talk about dirty sex and baseball. Prostitutes love baseball. (BTW: YANKEES SUCK!)
Before the drones show up, Old Man makes sure to take off his shirt. It's always suspicious if you're dressed up in your home with no where to go, which is why I always walk around in my underwear and a chicken mask when I'm in the apartment…and sometimes when I'm at work, but only if it's someone's birthday.
Scowl Face gets to the hotel and finds a bar where she can set up shop in a dark corner. It's a typical hotel, complete with lounge music that's easy to ignore, low lighting, and a drunken businessman who is ready to hit on anything with a pulse.
Drunky: "Hey baby, you got shoes on. Lemme see your bra." (I actually heard a guy say this in a bar…to a donkey).
Girl: "Um, no thanks. I only touch Buchanan and that's only after he slips me an Abe Lincoln."
Drunky: "Whoa! Don't get all feminist on me."
Drunky, you poor idiotic soul. Feminism has changed. They don't bother debating you any more. Women already know they're smarter and have evolved to merely shocking us with a stun gun, allowing them to breathe a couple minutes of penis-free air. I've heard that penis-free air smells like potpourri.
Jack is stowed safely away with the baggage on the plane and has proved once more that anything he touches receives special powers. Even though he's on the bottom of the plane, Jack's cell phone works perfectly, not because it can, but because Jack told it to. You don't want to know what happens when Jack touches himself.
With the movie "United 93" released around the country, it's no surprise that Jack wanted to show people how a successful hi-jack looks like. No planning is needed and neither is a heavy dose of religion. All one needs is a disregard for personal space and one fluffy pillow.
The Air Marshall was totally at fault. Never let anyone sit in the middle seat when you have the window. It's common human decency to have a buffer zone in that situation. Not doing so either leads to you engaging in banal conversation for hours or getting smacked in the face. Either way, you'll wish you were dead.
Don't we give our law enforcement personal any sort of training they can use? Or at least give them a more authoritative-sounding name? "George Avila" isn't going to stop anyone from doing anything (especially if it's Day with no Immigrants day).
Jack finds the guy with the connection to Anti-Bauer and brings him into the baggage area, all before the flight attendant starts serving drinks or noticing a strange hooded man roaming around the cabin.
However, Scowl Face discovers that it's not the right guy because people with German accents take an extra long time to get through customs (it's still safe to not trust German people).
But by now, the flight attendant has figured out that someone's missing and that the Air Marshall is down. This leads them to lock the hatch to the baggage area and to start decompressing it.
This marks the second time people have fucked with Bauer's air and that pisses him off, forcing him to yell "Damn hatch" and "son of a bitch" into his phone, which is a huge indication that he's not a federal agent. Only third grade teachers and postmen fly off the handle that bad.
I always knew Jack had a way to get to people, but I had no idea he had such power over inanimate objects. Besides terrorism and snakes, planes have a new fear. The fear of some lunatic ripping open their "private area" and pulling on what I can only assume are its gonads. If someone started pulling on my balls like that, I'd be running into walls every second and throwing myself off of balconies.
It was enough for the hatch to be unlocked and Jack to enter the cabin with a gun, freaking some people out and filling the minds of others with Steven Seagal fantasies of taking down the terrorist on the plane. (Why the hell does Seagal have a guitar in his hands?) But one dopey white guy with a crazed look in his eye is no match for a Bauer with a gun. Especially when he's in a crappy mood (he's still pissed about his air).
What's even more distressing is that the captain has to take the plane down and Bauer only has 15 minutes to search everyone on the plane for the coveted recording, which is freaking Logan out back on earth.
Logan has sent Crazytown back to her room with a bottle of wine and posted the Secret Service "nerd" to bore her to death with his blank stare and lack of personality. She finally gets hold of Novick and convinces him to bring her drugs and that something is wrong, though she can't say what.
The only thing she can do is drunk dial her husband and scream into the phone about how she wishes Logan would just talk to her. Even if he wanted to, talking to a crying drunk girl on the phone is as appealing as waiting in line at the DMV while the fat guy in front of you lets out a greasy fart every five minutes.
Logan hears of the hijacked plane and wants updates of the entire situation, "minute by minute" if necessary. Unless it's Ashley Judd doing a striptease, does anything have to be updated minute by minute? I think not.
Old Man Buchanan is finally led back to CTU-Homeland 1.0 where he and K Hay put on the façade that they hate each other. The truth is, Buchanan has finally found the love monkey he's been looking for and once this dirty business of the recording is put to rest, they'll be doing the no-pants dance all over CTU 2.0.
He'll also have to get rid of the ass-muncher who's freelancing as a "tattle-tale" and calling politicos in the middle of the night whenever something makes him feel "icky" inside. Thankfully, he's shot down by Novick, but I'm sure he'll find a way to piss everyone off.
And speaking of shooting things down, it seems that's the only way Bauer is getting off the plane. After figuring out the co-pilot was in cahoots with Anti-Bauer, the captain pulled the old "I'm old and my leg hurts" gag to open the cabin door. This allows Bauer to bust through and stare down the co-pilot.
"You don't look like a man ready to die for Henderson."
He isn't. The man who is willing to do that is a fat drunk that hangs out in hotel bars using feminism jokes as a pick-up line. At the moment, he's being stun gunned into submission for the second time so that Scowl Face can bring him back to her tech cave where she will cybersex him to death.
And the only reason that man is willing to die for Henderson is because he's got no where else to go except hell.
5.1.06
Karen Hayes, formerly of Homeland Security, has now switched to the underground operation that is CTU 2.0. It's a secretive bunch that has a special handshake, decoder rings, and requires you to lie to everyone you know all the time. This is also the same job description they give to political lobbyists.
K Hay has embraced the power of Bauer and is here to help Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face, at least a little bit. The Homeland Security drones are on the way and they have to leave. Because Buchanan is an old man and prefers to be led places rather than to lead, he tells Chloe to run to the nearby hotel. It's his "prostitute hangout" after midnight when he just wants to talk about dirty sex and baseball. Prostitutes love baseball. (BTW: YANKEES SUCK!)
Before the drones show up, Old Man makes sure to take off his shirt. It's always suspicious if you're dressed up in your home with no where to go, which is why I always walk around in my underwear and a chicken mask when I'm in the apartment…and sometimes when I'm at work, but only if it's someone's birthday.
Scowl Face gets to the hotel and finds a bar where she can set up shop in a dark corner. It's a typical hotel, complete with lounge music that's easy to ignore, low lighting, and a drunken businessman who is ready to hit on anything with a pulse.
Drunky: "Hey baby, you got shoes on. Lemme see your bra." (I actually heard a guy say this in a bar…to a donkey).
Girl: "Um, no thanks. I only touch Buchanan and that's only after he slips me an Abe Lincoln."
Drunky: "Whoa! Don't get all feminist on me."
Drunky, you poor idiotic soul. Feminism has changed. They don't bother debating you any more. Women already know they're smarter and have evolved to merely shocking us with a stun gun, allowing them to breathe a couple minutes of penis-free air. I've heard that penis-free air smells like potpourri.
Jack is stowed safely away with the baggage on the plane and has proved once more that anything he touches receives special powers. Even though he's on the bottom of the plane, Jack's cell phone works perfectly, not because it can, but because Jack told it to. You don't want to know what happens when Jack touches himself.
With the movie "United 93" released around the country, it's no surprise that Jack wanted to show people how a successful hi-jack looks like. No planning is needed and neither is a heavy dose of religion. All one needs is a disregard for personal space and one fluffy pillow.
The Air Marshall was totally at fault. Never let anyone sit in the middle seat when you have the window. It's common human decency to have a buffer zone in that situation. Not doing so either leads to you engaging in banal conversation for hours or getting smacked in the face. Either way, you'll wish you were dead.
Don't we give our law enforcement personal any sort of training they can use? Or at least give them a more authoritative-sounding name? "George Avila" isn't going to stop anyone from doing anything (especially if it's Day with no Immigrants day).
Jack finds the guy with the connection to Anti-Bauer and brings him into the baggage area, all before the flight attendant starts serving drinks or noticing a strange hooded man roaming around the cabin.
However, Scowl Face discovers that it's not the right guy because people with German accents take an extra long time to get through customs (it's still safe to not trust German people).
But by now, the flight attendant has figured out that someone's missing and that the Air Marshall is down. This leads them to lock the hatch to the baggage area and to start decompressing it.
This marks the second time people have fucked with Bauer's air and that pisses him off, forcing him to yell "Damn hatch" and "son of a bitch" into his phone, which is a huge indication that he's not a federal agent. Only third grade teachers and postmen fly off the handle that bad.
I always knew Jack had a way to get to people, but I had no idea he had such power over inanimate objects. Besides terrorism and snakes, planes have a new fear. The fear of some lunatic ripping open their "private area" and pulling on what I can only assume are its gonads. If someone started pulling on my balls like that, I'd be running into walls every second and throwing myself off of balconies.
It was enough for the hatch to be unlocked and Jack to enter the cabin with a gun, freaking some people out and filling the minds of others with Steven Seagal fantasies of taking down the terrorist on the plane. (Why the hell does Seagal have a guitar in his hands?) But one dopey white guy with a crazed look in his eye is no match for a Bauer with a gun. Especially when he's in a crappy mood (he's still pissed about his air).
What's even more distressing is that the captain has to take the plane down and Bauer only has 15 minutes to search everyone on the plane for the coveted recording, which is freaking Logan out back on earth.
Logan has sent Crazytown back to her room with a bottle of wine and posted the Secret Service "nerd" to bore her to death with his blank stare and lack of personality. She finally gets hold of Novick and convinces him to bring her drugs and that something is wrong, though she can't say what.
The only thing she can do is drunk dial her husband and scream into the phone about how she wishes Logan would just talk to her. Even if he wanted to, talking to a crying drunk girl on the phone is as appealing as waiting in line at the DMV while the fat guy in front of you lets out a greasy fart every five minutes.
Logan hears of the hijacked plane and wants updates of the entire situation, "minute by minute" if necessary. Unless it's Ashley Judd doing a striptease, does anything have to be updated minute by minute? I think not.
Old Man Buchanan is finally led back to CTU-Homeland 1.0 where he and K Hay put on the façade that they hate each other. The truth is, Buchanan has finally found the love monkey he's been looking for and once this dirty business of the recording is put to rest, they'll be doing the no-pants dance all over CTU 2.0.
He'll also have to get rid of the ass-muncher who's freelancing as a "tattle-tale" and calling politicos in the middle of the night whenever something makes him feel "icky" inside. Thankfully, he's shot down by Novick, but I'm sure he'll find a way to piss everyone off.
And speaking of shooting things down, it seems that's the only way Bauer is getting off the plane. After figuring out the co-pilot was in cahoots with Anti-Bauer, the captain pulled the old "I'm old and my leg hurts" gag to open the cabin door. This allows Bauer to bust through and stare down the co-pilot.
"You don't look like a man ready to die for Henderson."
He isn't. The man who is willing to do that is a fat drunk that hangs out in hotel bars using feminism jokes as a pick-up line. At the moment, he's being stun gunned into submission for the second time so that Scowl Face can bring him back to her tech cave where she will cybersex him to death.
And the only reason that man is willing to die for Henderson is because he's got no where else to go except hell.
4.25.2006
The Plight of Senior Citizens
4.24.06
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
In the past, 24 has taken aim at women, proving to the world through characters like Nina, Sherry, and Kim that they were evil and shouldn't be trusted. Tonight, the show took aim at another demographic that has plagued this land for too long: Senior Citizens.
They babble, they know too much about a time you don't care about, and they drive on sidewalks. Since setting up CTU 2.0, Old Man Buchanan has given Scowl Face the run of his house, complete with hard wood floors, a fireplace (old people are cold all the time), and a "pathetic computer" (another staple of the senior citizen).
He's also been bumped down in rank, which is pretty sad since it is his house. All he does now is make coffee and answer the phone, making him a glorified secretary. Within a week, he'll be in a nursing home screaming about conspiracies and how the government is out to get him.
And though he's quick to put the phone on speaker when it rings (Scowl Face is incapable of moving her hands off a laptop), any common chimp can do that. Some can even offer you advice. All Buchanan can do is press the button and look confused, as if he's unsure where the sound is actually coming from.
Jack is trained to do things at certain sounds too, like when he hears a fire alarm, he knows it's finally time to take a piss on the fire that's nearby (Bauer's urine can't be wasted in a urinal). Or when he hears the sound of silence, he fires a gun.
But when he hears the sound of a cell phone, he picks it up, not caring if it's off a dead man or in someone's purse. It's part of his curious nature. He can't help it. In this instance, the call was somewhat for him. Secretary of Dumbness Heller was calling in after getting chewed out by the president. You don't betray Bauer. Bauer betrays you, craps on your cat, and hides your remote control in a cave on a mountain.
Bauer turns to Scowl Face to direct him to Anti-Bauer and soon finds him driving blissfully on a mountain road after just speaking with Logan about how cautious he is and how he's keeping the recording.
Anti-Bauer: "If I so much as trip over a toolbox and I think of you, that recording is coming out."
Jack sees him and proceeds to ram him with the stolen cop car that he's still able to drive because dead cops tell no tales.
Ironic Moment of the Night: a quick shot of the cop car showing the words "To Protect and To Serve" after plowing Anti-Bauer's car into a barn.
Bauer finally has his nemesis, but like old people with no health insurance, Anti-Bauer has a contingency plan. The plan involves a helicopter assassinating Dumb Heller as he's driving his car. To make it more dramatic, a red dot of shame is shown on the Heller's chest to prove that he's marked for death and that he betrayed Bauer.
And, like most senior citizens when they find a strange red dot on their chest while driving, Heller floors it off the mountain road and plummets into the water. Hmm so that's all it takes to get them off the road. Thanks again 24, for opening my eyes.
Clearly driving off the road was the best option since killing a moving target from a helicopter is so easy. I mean it's not like he could have merely stopped the car and ran into the woods or anything.
With Papa Heller gone, Sheryl Crow has her first taste of vengeance (or maybe it's all the blood loss) and wants Anti-Bauer's blood spilled everywhere. Finally, I'm starting to see Sheryl Crow's angry side…and it's turning me on (or maybe it's all the blood loss. She's finally lost those pesky ounces and is now in the Nicole Richie Realm of fitness).
After getting shoved and mildly spit on, Anti-Bauer admits that he doesn't have the recording and soon, after Buchanan's pathetic PC catches up, it's revealed there was a meeting where the recording was apparently handed off to someone else. That person is heading back toward the airport. And that pisses Bauer off. (More people will die soon. Bauer was betrayed and lied to).
Bauer goes to the airport, leaving an emotional Sheryl Crow with a gun. Bauer doesn't deal with emotions. He wants you to work it out for yourself…which is why he left the gun. He also tells her not to use the phone unless it's him calling.
Bauer Power #13: No one can trace his cell phone calls. If they try, they keel over with explosive diarrhea
Anti-Bauer wakes up finally and suggests that Papa Heller could be alive and attempts to guilt Sheryl Crow into using her phone. The children of senior citizens are used to dealing with guilt, so naturally she's able to ignore his words. Though pointing a gun in his face and telling him to shut up also helps (another proven technique when dealing with seniors, especially when they miss their medication).
However, their location is found out by Anti-Bauer's men and soon Sheryl Crow is backed up into a corner, only to be grabbed from behind by Curtis (still liked him better when he was laid out on the sidewalk). Anti-Bauer's men are killed and he's taken into custody.
Only it doesn't matter. There's someone else who is more dangerous than Anti-Bauer and a recording. There's a new batch of terrorists (Led by Red from That 70s Show? For reals?*) and they are the ones working with the president "for the good of the country." And just like Red Forman, they don't trust women, especially crazy ones. Unlike Red Forman, they think about their kids to get through the day.
*Ah, I'm an idiot. Apparently it's the bald guy from ER. Red would have been much cooler.
But maybe that's because no one wants to go home to a screaming five year old and would rather wreak havoc on the country instead. As the Secret Service is discovering, anything is better than babysitting, especially when that baby is a howling Crazytown wondering where Aaron had run off.
"Where's Aaron? Who are you? Is this a hallway? Did I quit smoking again?"
The Secret Service handled her as they do with all screaming children. They locked her in a room in the hope that the screaming will stop. If it doesn't they are within their right to throw ice cream sandwiches at her until she does (no one likes getting pelted with ice cream).
Logan shows up and lays down the "horrible and ugly" truth. But instead of holding a mirror to her face like I thought he would, he tells her the truth. How the people that killed Palmer worked for him, that everything that happened today was for the good of the country, and that he routinely pisses all over the seat and sometimes on the White House dog.
Crazytown, predictably, freaks out and starts waving her hands in the air and pacing around the room like a drunken seagull. Once she's calm, she tells her husband she hates him (I hear it's one of those great milestones that few marriages get to experience) and that she promises to keep her mouth shut for the good, to protect the American public. She has also lost faith in her country.
Join the club. I lost faith when Arrested Development got cancelled and the price of gasoline started tapping into my coveted "porn fund."
Mum, who's visiting me this week, also had this to say about Logan: He's a rat! (pauses for dramatic effect) A big fat black rat! Mum hates rats...and evil white men (EVM).
Also on mum's EWM list is Homeland Security man ("He creepy! And bad. Chloe is funny" -Mum) who tracked down Scowl Face to Old Man Buchanan's and is all set to bring down the pain.
Karen (she's not part of Homeland Security anymore because she's proven she can think independently) isn't buying the recent events and after hearing Novick's professional response that "It's been a strange night," she warns Scowl Face and Buchanan about the impending raid. Scowl Face refuses because Jack needs to find out who the hell is on the plane. That and no one (except Jack) can tell her what to do.
The mystery person with the recording is about to take off and Jack needs to find a way onto the plane. Conveniently, a service truck shows up and Jack hides on top of it because he knows the security detail is too lazy to climb the ladder to take a peak up there.
He then sneaks onto the plane using two bags of luggage and a brown hoody as cover. My faith in this country may be rattled, but my undying faith in hoodies will never die, as long as I can sneak onto planes with a Freedom Satchel full of weapons.
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
In the past, 24 has taken aim at women, proving to the world through characters like Nina, Sherry, and Kim that they were evil and shouldn't be trusted. Tonight, the show took aim at another demographic that has plagued this land for too long: Senior Citizens.
They babble, they know too much about a time you don't care about, and they drive on sidewalks. Since setting up CTU 2.0, Old Man Buchanan has given Scowl Face the run of his house, complete with hard wood floors, a fireplace (old people are cold all the time), and a "pathetic computer" (another staple of the senior citizen).
He's also been bumped down in rank, which is pretty sad since it is his house. All he does now is make coffee and answer the phone, making him a glorified secretary. Within a week, he'll be in a nursing home screaming about conspiracies and how the government is out to get him.
And though he's quick to put the phone on speaker when it rings (Scowl Face is incapable of moving her hands off a laptop), any common chimp can do that. Some can even offer you advice. All Buchanan can do is press the button and look confused, as if he's unsure where the sound is actually coming from.
Jack is trained to do things at certain sounds too, like when he hears a fire alarm, he knows it's finally time to take a piss on the fire that's nearby (Bauer's urine can't be wasted in a urinal). Or when he hears the sound of silence, he fires a gun.
But when he hears the sound of a cell phone, he picks it up, not caring if it's off a dead man or in someone's purse. It's part of his curious nature. He can't help it. In this instance, the call was somewhat for him. Secretary of Dumbness Heller was calling in after getting chewed out by the president. You don't betray Bauer. Bauer betrays you, craps on your cat, and hides your remote control in a cave on a mountain.
Bauer turns to Scowl Face to direct him to Anti-Bauer and soon finds him driving blissfully on a mountain road after just speaking with Logan about how cautious he is and how he's keeping the recording.
Anti-Bauer: "If I so much as trip over a toolbox and I think of you, that recording is coming out."
Jack sees him and proceeds to ram him with the stolen cop car that he's still able to drive because dead cops tell no tales.
Ironic Moment of the Night: a quick shot of the cop car showing the words "To Protect and To Serve" after plowing Anti-Bauer's car into a barn.
Bauer finally has his nemesis, but like old people with no health insurance, Anti-Bauer has a contingency plan. The plan involves a helicopter assassinating Dumb Heller as he's driving his car. To make it more dramatic, a red dot of shame is shown on the Heller's chest to prove that he's marked for death and that he betrayed Bauer.
And, like most senior citizens when they find a strange red dot on their chest while driving, Heller floors it off the mountain road and plummets into the water. Hmm so that's all it takes to get them off the road. Thanks again 24, for opening my eyes.
Clearly driving off the road was the best option since killing a moving target from a helicopter is so easy. I mean it's not like he could have merely stopped the car and ran into the woods or anything.
With Papa Heller gone, Sheryl Crow has her first taste of vengeance (or maybe it's all the blood loss) and wants Anti-Bauer's blood spilled everywhere. Finally, I'm starting to see Sheryl Crow's angry side…and it's turning me on (or maybe it's all the blood loss. She's finally lost those pesky ounces and is now in the Nicole Richie Realm of fitness).
After getting shoved and mildly spit on, Anti-Bauer admits that he doesn't have the recording and soon, after Buchanan's pathetic PC catches up, it's revealed there was a meeting where the recording was apparently handed off to someone else. That person is heading back toward the airport. And that pisses Bauer off. (More people will die soon. Bauer was betrayed and lied to).
Bauer goes to the airport, leaving an emotional Sheryl Crow with a gun. Bauer doesn't deal with emotions. He wants you to work it out for yourself…which is why he left the gun. He also tells her not to use the phone unless it's him calling.
Bauer Power #13: No one can trace his cell phone calls. If they try, they keel over with explosive diarrhea
Anti-Bauer wakes up finally and suggests that Papa Heller could be alive and attempts to guilt Sheryl Crow into using her phone. The children of senior citizens are used to dealing with guilt, so naturally she's able to ignore his words. Though pointing a gun in his face and telling him to shut up also helps (another proven technique when dealing with seniors, especially when they miss their medication).
However, their location is found out by Anti-Bauer's men and soon Sheryl Crow is backed up into a corner, only to be grabbed from behind by Curtis (still liked him better when he was laid out on the sidewalk). Anti-Bauer's men are killed and he's taken into custody.
Only it doesn't matter. There's someone else who is more dangerous than Anti-Bauer and a recording. There's a new batch of terrorists (Led by Red from That 70s Show? For reals?*) and they are the ones working with the president "for the good of the country." And just like Red Forman, they don't trust women, especially crazy ones. Unlike Red Forman, they think about their kids to get through the day.
*Ah, I'm an idiot. Apparently it's the bald guy from ER. Red would have been much cooler.
But maybe that's because no one wants to go home to a screaming five year old and would rather wreak havoc on the country instead. As the Secret Service is discovering, anything is better than babysitting, especially when that baby is a howling Crazytown wondering where Aaron had run off.
"Where's Aaron? Who are you? Is this a hallway? Did I quit smoking again?"
The Secret Service handled her as they do with all screaming children. They locked her in a room in the hope that the screaming will stop. If it doesn't they are within their right to throw ice cream sandwiches at her until she does (no one likes getting pelted with ice cream).
Logan shows up and lays down the "horrible and ugly" truth. But instead of holding a mirror to her face like I thought he would, he tells her the truth. How the people that killed Palmer worked for him, that everything that happened today was for the good of the country, and that he routinely pisses all over the seat and sometimes on the White House dog.
Crazytown, predictably, freaks out and starts waving her hands in the air and pacing around the room like a drunken seagull. Once she's calm, she tells her husband she hates him (I hear it's one of those great milestones that few marriages get to experience) and that she promises to keep her mouth shut for the good, to protect the American public. She has also lost faith in her country.
Join the club. I lost faith when Arrested Development got cancelled and the price of gasoline started tapping into my coveted "porn fund."
Mum, who's visiting me this week, also had this to say about Logan: He's a rat! (pauses for dramatic effect) A big fat black rat! Mum hates rats...and evil white men (EVM).
Also on mum's EWM list is Homeland Security man ("He creepy! And bad. Chloe is funny" -Mum) who tracked down Scowl Face to Old Man Buchanan's and is all set to bring down the pain.
Karen (she's not part of Homeland Security anymore because she's proven she can think independently) isn't buying the recent events and after hearing Novick's professional response that "It's been a strange night," she warns Scowl Face and Buchanan about the impending raid. Scowl Face refuses because Jack needs to find out who the hell is on the plane. That and no one (except Jack) can tell her what to do.
The mystery person with the recording is about to take off and Jack needs to find a way onto the plane. Conveniently, a service truck shows up and Jack hides on top of it because he knows the security detail is too lazy to climb the ladder to take a peak up there.
He then sneaks onto the plane using two bags of luggage and a brown hoody as cover. My faith in this country may be rattled, but my undying faith in hoodies will never die, as long as I can sneak onto planes with a Freedom Satchel full of weapons.
4.18.2006
Revelations
Midnight to 1 a.m.
4.17.06
It's always hard to get the truth out of people. Sometimes it's because they are embarrassed about what they did or that they simply don't want to tell you about running over your dog…seven times.
But in the wee hours of the morning, the truth can be found almost everywhere. Go out one night and stay up past midnight. Once you do, and you're with someone with a secret, they are more apt to spill the info, as if the people who are capable of staying up late are trustworthy. Fools. The reason we stay up late is for all the secrets.
Old Man Buchanan knows this and is why he never went to sleep or crawl into the local old man pub to start bitching about the government taking his job.
Old Man Buchanan: (raises drink to this mouth) "Oh yea, I used to be a government agent. It's a tough racket." (Finally, a Mamet reference!)
Instead, he's waiting by the phone and saying "secret…secret" constantly inside his head. His madness works out for him as Bauer finally calls him for help. Bauer reveals the whole truth, which causes Buchanan's brain to explode and his eyes to widen. At least he's not crazy anymore.
Bauer tells Old Man to stash The Pain (Wayne Palmer) away somewhere safe since he could be a target. Not so much because he's involved with a huge government conspiracy, but because he's hanging out in a stolen police car and in LA, a black man can get shot fifty times for such an offense.
Buchanan knows just where to hide the Pain. It's in a neighborhood near his house where he buys crack on the weekends. No one will find him because no one wants to look there.
Refusing to toss the stolen cop car because the handling is "superb," Jack shows up at the airport where Sheryl Crow is having a family reunion with her father, Secretary of Defense Heller. It's after midnight and Heller isn't in the mood for secrets. He was on his way to an all-night bordello and does not like his plans changed. He's even more pissed when he sees Bauer pop out and asking for help.
A myriad of statements like "What the hell?" and "Hey now!" come out of Heller as the truth is revealed to him. As he hears the truth, he shifts his weight from side to side since revelations always causes his bowels to stir (that and once you're old as sin, your bowels do all sorts of funny things after midnight).
Bauer tells Heller to take the recording to the Attorney General and to use the evidence to bring Crapbag in. As Heller leaves, Bauer tells Sheryl Crow he's going to "go dark" for awhile, until the news breaks.
By the way, "going dark" is guy language for "I'm going to check out the seedy strip club in the bad part of town for a couple of hours." It can also mean they are going to start the all-dark diet where they eat nothing but dark meat. Both interpretations leaves you with a stomach flu.
Heller returns to the empty airport hanger and reveals to Bauer that he doesn't like being told what to do and thinks Jack is wrong. Though instead of saying it in a calm manner, he jabs Bauer in the throat and scolds him like an Iraqi terrorist.
Heller: "You don't do it this way! The US government would crumple. Is that what you want? Is it? Bad! Bad Bauer! You go away now!"
Jack yells back about Heller being wrong, but he doesn't hear him. Heller is already walking away, yelling at himself because once you've started a good yelling fit, they are impossible to stop. You don't stop yelling or peeing once you've started. It stings.
Back at CTU, Homeland Security engages in the only thing it knows how to do right: spy on Americans. In this case, they use Stupid Sheri as bait after Scowl Face isn't invited into a level three meeting.
Homeland Security listens in on the conversation and finds out that Scowl Face has been helping Sheryl Crow. They also notice that Stupid Sheri leaves her mouth open all the time, even when she's not talking.
Scowl Face is arrested and put into holding where Homeland Security creep yells for the truth (yelling doesn't help. Only hitting people with bullets or lamps does the trick). Before he leaves, Scowl Face uses weird hippie language to distract him so that she can swipe his keycard.
"You're not as mean as people think you are. Your aura is clean and shines like rocks in the river. Come with me, to the river, and we will write poetry with grass and trail mix."
Seriously, if a crack head and a tech geek can take those key cards, they are useless in terms of security.
Scowl Face escapes with a laptop and gets to threaten Stupid Sheri about telling everyone that she lies about sexual harassment and that she could end up with a psychiatric evaluation.
"And trust me, you wouldn't like it."
So that's why Scowl Face is crazy. She's a product of therapy…and a hippie upbringing.
Novick's been distracted for a couple of hours because he recently discovered his cell allows him to watch television. He's finally snapped out of it and confronts Crapbag about sending the military in to get Bauer instead of CTU drones (who will all eventually be killed either by bullets or falling down).
Crapbag yells at him for questioning his decision and at midnight no less. I hate it when people try to offer advice after midnight (I only want secrets) and only hear the first thing they say before I tune them out. When they ask me if I've been listening, I respond with "You make me want to die" or "You're not making any sense. You stop talking now Dad."
Scowl Face has left the building and is at Old Man Buchanan's place, which is now the home of CTU 2.0. It's smaller, but more efficient and with better bathrooms (Buchanan buys the soft toilet paper, not the coarse one-ply shit) and a higher brand of security that involves a secret knock (three quick taps and a hooting like an owl). Once Buchanan installs that special CTU ring on his phone, he'll be all set and better that CTU 1.0.
Heller calls up Crapbag and wants to talk about "You know what" with the president face-to-face. Crazytown suspects something is up and asks Agent Pierce for the 411. The redhead, talking out of the side of his mouth, tells Crazytown to meet him by the stables. She does and he stands her up, but sent his phone in his place.
I do that on dates all the time and it's hilarious, especially when they call it and see that I put in their name as "Big Foot" in my contact list.
Heller is still in his yelling mood and asks Crapbag what his "insane plan" was all about. Crapbag lays it all out, saying how everything was for the good of the country and that people will always need energy and won't stand for oil to reach $100 a barrel (wait, he's right. I'm already pissed it's over $70 a barrel).
So wait, this is all for cheaper gas? Hmmm, maybe Crapbag isn't so bad. I'd sacrifice Hilary Duff and the entire cast of The OC for a better deal at the pump.
But Crapbag isn't sacrificing annoying pretty people. He's killing real, ugly people (at a mall and an airport no less!) and as much as we don't want to look at them, they don't deserve to be murdered, at least by their government. Mafia hits are cool.
Bauer and Sheryl Crow are still restrained by plastic ties, which Bauer burns off thanks to a pipe on the ceiling (no plastic or woman can hold Bauer). He knocks out one guard and yells "Don't move" at the guy by the plane. Bauer gets the recording back, only to see Anti-Bauer's helicopter come down to attack him.
Bauer shoots at the helicopter with a pistol, convinced that a couple of bullets will actually take it down. He does manage to shoot a couple of guys coming off the plane (from 50 yards away and under a plane) and gives the guard his gun back to help (he doesn't and immediately dies. Bauer takes the gun back and farts on the man's useless, dead face). He gets rid of the rest of the men by shooting something and willing that thing to explode. Jack can make anything explode with his mind.
Anti-Bauer is in the hanger and has taken Sheryl Crow as a hostage. He and Bauer yell at each other in a political debate.
Bauer: "Dude, just tell me why."
Anti: "I'm protecting the integrity of the government"
Bauer: "But with Crapbag as president, there is no integrity in the government."
Anti: (silent) "Dammit you got me. Now your girlfriend loses an artery." (soft chuckling)
Scared Crow walks out between the two men with her arm dripping with blood. In three minutes, she will bleed to death through her arm. Bauer considers it, but realizes he doesn't want Heller to yell at him again and tosses the recording over to Anti-Bauer who runs off and calls Crapbag that the recording is back in their possession.
This leads to Crapbag accusing Heller of falsely accusing him with no evidence, allowing Crapbag to ask for his resignation. This enrages Heller even more and he soon comes to two revelations: Bauer is infallible and yelling, while fun, will eventually get you fired.
4.17.06
It's always hard to get the truth out of people. Sometimes it's because they are embarrassed about what they did or that they simply don't want to tell you about running over your dog…seven times.
But in the wee hours of the morning, the truth can be found almost everywhere. Go out one night and stay up past midnight. Once you do, and you're with someone with a secret, they are more apt to spill the info, as if the people who are capable of staying up late are trustworthy. Fools. The reason we stay up late is for all the secrets.
Old Man Buchanan knows this and is why he never went to sleep or crawl into the local old man pub to start bitching about the government taking his job.
Old Man Buchanan: (raises drink to this mouth) "Oh yea, I used to be a government agent. It's a tough racket." (Finally, a Mamet reference!)
Instead, he's waiting by the phone and saying "secret…secret" constantly inside his head. His madness works out for him as Bauer finally calls him for help. Bauer reveals the whole truth, which causes Buchanan's brain to explode and his eyes to widen. At least he's not crazy anymore.
Bauer tells Old Man to stash The Pain (Wayne Palmer) away somewhere safe since he could be a target. Not so much because he's involved with a huge government conspiracy, but because he's hanging out in a stolen police car and in LA, a black man can get shot fifty times for such an offense.
Buchanan knows just where to hide the Pain. It's in a neighborhood near his house where he buys crack on the weekends. No one will find him because no one wants to look there.
Refusing to toss the stolen cop car because the handling is "superb," Jack shows up at the airport where Sheryl Crow is having a family reunion with her father, Secretary of Defense Heller. It's after midnight and Heller isn't in the mood for secrets. He was on his way to an all-night bordello and does not like his plans changed. He's even more pissed when he sees Bauer pop out and asking for help.
A myriad of statements like "What the hell?" and "Hey now!" come out of Heller as the truth is revealed to him. As he hears the truth, he shifts his weight from side to side since revelations always causes his bowels to stir (that and once you're old as sin, your bowels do all sorts of funny things after midnight).
Bauer tells Heller to take the recording to the Attorney General and to use the evidence to bring Crapbag in. As Heller leaves, Bauer tells Sheryl Crow he's going to "go dark" for awhile, until the news breaks.
By the way, "going dark" is guy language for "I'm going to check out the seedy strip club in the bad part of town for a couple of hours." It can also mean they are going to start the all-dark diet where they eat nothing but dark meat. Both interpretations leaves you with a stomach flu.
Heller returns to the empty airport hanger and reveals to Bauer that he doesn't like being told what to do and thinks Jack is wrong. Though instead of saying it in a calm manner, he jabs Bauer in the throat and scolds him like an Iraqi terrorist.
Heller: "You don't do it this way! The US government would crumple. Is that what you want? Is it? Bad! Bad Bauer! You go away now!"
Jack yells back about Heller being wrong, but he doesn't hear him. Heller is already walking away, yelling at himself because once you've started a good yelling fit, they are impossible to stop. You don't stop yelling or peeing once you've started. It stings.
Back at CTU, Homeland Security engages in the only thing it knows how to do right: spy on Americans. In this case, they use Stupid Sheri as bait after Scowl Face isn't invited into a level three meeting.
Homeland Security listens in on the conversation and finds out that Scowl Face has been helping Sheryl Crow. They also notice that Stupid Sheri leaves her mouth open all the time, even when she's not talking.
Scowl Face is arrested and put into holding where Homeland Security creep yells for the truth (yelling doesn't help. Only hitting people with bullets or lamps does the trick). Before he leaves, Scowl Face uses weird hippie language to distract him so that she can swipe his keycard.
"You're not as mean as people think you are. Your aura is clean and shines like rocks in the river. Come with me, to the river, and we will write poetry with grass and trail mix."
Seriously, if a crack head and a tech geek can take those key cards, they are useless in terms of security.
Scowl Face escapes with a laptop and gets to threaten Stupid Sheri about telling everyone that she lies about sexual harassment and that she could end up with a psychiatric evaluation.
"And trust me, you wouldn't like it."
So that's why Scowl Face is crazy. She's a product of therapy…and a hippie upbringing.
Novick's been distracted for a couple of hours because he recently discovered his cell allows him to watch television. He's finally snapped out of it and confronts Crapbag about sending the military in to get Bauer instead of CTU drones (who will all eventually be killed either by bullets or falling down).
Crapbag yells at him for questioning his decision and at midnight no less. I hate it when people try to offer advice after midnight (I only want secrets) and only hear the first thing they say before I tune them out. When they ask me if I've been listening, I respond with "You make me want to die" or "You're not making any sense. You stop talking now Dad."
Scowl Face has left the building and is at Old Man Buchanan's place, which is now the home of CTU 2.0. It's smaller, but more efficient and with better bathrooms (Buchanan buys the soft toilet paper, not the coarse one-ply shit) and a higher brand of security that involves a secret knock (three quick taps and a hooting like an owl). Once Buchanan installs that special CTU ring on his phone, he'll be all set and better that CTU 1.0.
Heller calls up Crapbag and wants to talk about "You know what" with the president face-to-face. Crazytown suspects something is up and asks Agent Pierce for the 411. The redhead, talking out of the side of his mouth, tells Crazytown to meet him by the stables. She does and he stands her up, but sent his phone in his place.
I do that on dates all the time and it's hilarious, especially when they call it and see that I put in their name as "Big Foot" in my contact list.
Heller is still in his yelling mood and asks Crapbag what his "insane plan" was all about. Crapbag lays it all out, saying how everything was for the good of the country and that people will always need energy and won't stand for oil to reach $100 a barrel (wait, he's right. I'm already pissed it's over $70 a barrel).
So wait, this is all for cheaper gas? Hmmm, maybe Crapbag isn't so bad. I'd sacrifice Hilary Duff and the entire cast of The OC for a better deal at the pump.
But Crapbag isn't sacrificing annoying pretty people. He's killing real, ugly people (at a mall and an airport no less!) and as much as we don't want to look at them, they don't deserve to be murdered, at least by their government. Mafia hits are cool.
Bauer and Sheryl Crow are still restrained by plastic ties, which Bauer burns off thanks to a pipe on the ceiling (no plastic or woman can hold Bauer). He knocks out one guard and yells "Don't move" at the guy by the plane. Bauer gets the recording back, only to see Anti-Bauer's helicopter come down to attack him.
Bauer shoots at the helicopter with a pistol, convinced that a couple of bullets will actually take it down. He does manage to shoot a couple of guys coming off the plane (from 50 yards away and under a plane) and gives the guard his gun back to help (he doesn't and immediately dies. Bauer takes the gun back and farts on the man's useless, dead face). He gets rid of the rest of the men by shooting something and willing that thing to explode. Jack can make anything explode with his mind.
Anti-Bauer is in the hanger and has taken Sheryl Crow as a hostage. He and Bauer yell at each other in a political debate.
Bauer: "Dude, just tell me why."
Anti: "I'm protecting the integrity of the government"
Bauer: "But with Crapbag as president, there is no integrity in the government."
Anti: (silent) "Dammit you got me. Now your girlfriend loses an artery." (soft chuckling)
Scared Crow walks out between the two men with her arm dripping with blood. In three minutes, she will bleed to death through her arm. Bauer considers it, but realizes he doesn't want Heller to yell at him again and tosses the recording over to Anti-Bauer who runs off and calls Crapbag that the recording is back in their possession.
This leads to Crapbag accusing Heller of falsely accusing him with no evidence, allowing Crapbag to ask for his resignation. This enrages Heller even more and he soon comes to two revelations: Bauer is infallible and yelling, while fun, will eventually get you fired.
4.11.2006
Secrets, Lies, and Eyebrows
11 p.m. to Midnight
4.10.06
Kids, at least in the world of 24, are utterly useless. They can't shoot guns, they cry all the time, they'll make you hop on one leg, and when you're not looking, they'll call your mortal enemy on the phone and tell them where you are. I'm actually surprised the medics showed up, since 911 operators are to assume all calls from children are merely part of the new game "Mommy's Dead" that's been sweeping grade schools around the country.
And are Mulan and her child dead? Or were they left in the hotel, Mulan passed out on the floor and her child crying into the void of open space? God I hate kids. They aren't the future of anything.
Mulan has served her purpose anyway because she told Jack and The Pain where the evidence was hidden. It's in a safe deposit box in a bank. The said recording has Logan and Anti-Bauer on the phone talking about the hit on Palmer.
Logan, the crapbag that he is, was behind giving the terrorists the nerve gas "to make the country stronger and safer." (didn't he yell at Walt the mole for this? What the fuck?) That's like purposely giving someone cancer and saying "It'll build character."
This explains why Crapbag sucks so hard when it comes to thwarting terrorism. He wants the bomb to go off, the virus to break out, and the cheese to spoil in the fridge. Terrorism is just more fun. Maybe terrorism calms Crapbag down, like what Pilates does for normal people.
But Bauer can stop terrorism, which makes him the angry clown to Crapbag's fun terrorism party. Crapbag calls CTU and issues a warrant for the arrest of Bauer, thanks to "new evidence" that has come to light concerning the Palmer assassination. He can't say what it is, but assures Homeland Security that it's legit.
Crapbag could have just said Bauer was in the country illegally (he crossed the border from Mexico) and have him deported. Jack doesn't have a job and he's running around with a gun. That's more than enough to put him in a wheelbarrow and dump his ass back into Mexico.
And I saw the evidence Crapbag has on Jack. It's a drawing with a stick figure holding a gun (Jack) and another stick figure with his head blown off (Palmer). The Jack stick figure has the sinister eyebrows, letting you know that he meant to shoot Palmer. Sometimes eyebrows are better than DNA. Actually that's not true. It's always better.
Homeland Security is ranking right up there with irritating kids in 24 Land. They've taken over CTU and haven't done anything for the past two hours except fire people and constantly suspect Chloe whenever something weird happens. CTU could do that and find the bad guy at the same time.
Creepiest moment of the night: Crazytown coming back and kissing Crapbag. Ewwww. She said he was magnificent too, which was uncalled for (does she even know what it means?). I was really scared they were going to bang. Then again, maybe that's the only way to kill the president, with dirty, loud, messy, and awful sex with his wife.
Jack has called Sheryl Crow to let her know about Crapbag and insists that she get the help of her father, the Secretary of Ass-Kicking Heller. He's on a plane and can meet Sheryl Crow in an hour, right after his pre-midnight nap and some cookies.
Papa Heller: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sheryl Crow: "Papa, don't preach…"
Papa Heller: "You called me this morning to tell me Jack's alive. Now he's a suspect in the murder of Palmer? Can't you find a normal guy? Have you tried Myspace?"
Sheryl Crow: "That's where I found Walt. Which reminds me, I have to take Jack's profile off of MyDeathSpace" It really exists!
Sheryl Crow has left CTU and is now on her way to meet with Papa. Homeland Security is still suspicious of her and tracks her, but the tracking device is found (thanks to Scowl Face) and Sheryl Crow puts it on another vehicle.
Then they find her on satellite, but Scowl Face fixes that too, which enrages the Creep. He runs around CTU looking for Chloe only to find her coming out of the bathroom where he unintentionally sexually harasses her.
Creep: "What were you doing in there?"
Scowl Face: "I had a bean burrito with some corn for lunch. Figure it out."
(Random: What's up with the funky, energetic music on 24 now? It happened when Creep was walking around looking for Chloe. I felt like dancing and shooting a gun at the same time. This must be the music they play in LA clubs.)
Before Jack can meet up with Papa Heller, he needs to have the evidence in his hand. And in order to do that, he has to scare the shit out of the bank manager so that he'll open up the vault of treasures.
I like The Pain as Jack's new black partner. The Pain's got emotion and a shaved head. Curtis had a monotone voice and a perpetual look of fright on his face. Where is he anyway?
Jack takes out a lockpick from the Freedom Satchel, along with a small device that apparently tells the alarm system to go to sleep. (Seriously, did Jack just plan for another bad day with that satchel? And why didn't he pack a Powerbar?)
Bank Manager is in bed with his wife when he hears a sound. This is normal since men are always looking for an excuse to get out of bed with their wife, even for a non-existent sound.
Oh, but it's not the sound of silence. It's the sound of Bauer aiming a gun to your head and telling you to shut-up. Jack finds the wife and aims that gun at her too. She doesn't look too freaked out until The Pain shows up.
Reason #4 The Pain is a better sidekick: People are afraid of black guys, especially bald black guys holding a gun.
Before they go into the bank, Jack gets a call from Aaron, warning him of him being a criminal again. Jack, as always, takes it with a shrug and offers the good-hearted redhead the same advice he got on his wedding night.
"Keep your eyes open and watch your back."
The Three Amigos get inside the bank and into the vault. Bank Manager recognizes The Pain and realizes this isn't a regular robbery. He asks the Pain for the truth and it is given. Bank Manager's head starts to hurt from the realization.
The recording is found and it's exactly what Mulan said, a recording of Crapbag and Anti-Bauer talking about killing off Palmer. The Pain lets a couple of tears fall out of his eyes. Don't worry. That just fuels the rage for later.
This is also when Bank Manager is privy to the whole truth. It was subtle, but this is the point where his brain crapped all over itself. (You could tell from his eyebrows. Go ahead, watch it again).
The Three Amigos are set to leave, only now Anti-Bauer's men are outside of the bank, waiting to take down the trio as if they were trying to run for the border. Jack has a plan and it involves bringing in more cops, which will create a shoot-out a.k.a. diversion. Zombies also use this tactic of asking for more cops, but for them, it's food.
The diversion works and Jack shoots some of the bad guys before reliving his high school days and stealing a cop car. Bank Manager is now a patriot, one of the man that helped Bauer and died in the process. The Pain is upset at the death and pushes his feelings down further, adding to his stockpile of rage. Soon The Pain will unleash his fury.
And when he does, his eyebrows will be slanted up, because it means he'll finally be happy.
4.10.06
Kids, at least in the world of 24, are utterly useless. They can't shoot guns, they cry all the time, they'll make you hop on one leg, and when you're not looking, they'll call your mortal enemy on the phone and tell them where you are. I'm actually surprised the medics showed up, since 911 operators are to assume all calls from children are merely part of the new game "Mommy's Dead" that's been sweeping grade schools around the country.
And are Mulan and her child dead? Or were they left in the hotel, Mulan passed out on the floor and her child crying into the void of open space? God I hate kids. They aren't the future of anything.
Mulan has served her purpose anyway because she told Jack and The Pain where the evidence was hidden. It's in a safe deposit box in a bank. The said recording has Logan and Anti-Bauer on the phone talking about the hit on Palmer.
Logan, the crapbag that he is, was behind giving the terrorists the nerve gas "to make the country stronger and safer." (didn't he yell at Walt the mole for this? What the fuck?) That's like purposely giving someone cancer and saying "It'll build character."
This explains why Crapbag sucks so hard when it comes to thwarting terrorism. He wants the bomb to go off, the virus to break out, and the cheese to spoil in the fridge. Terrorism is just more fun. Maybe terrorism calms Crapbag down, like what Pilates does for normal people.
But Bauer can stop terrorism, which makes him the angry clown to Crapbag's fun terrorism party. Crapbag calls CTU and issues a warrant for the arrest of Bauer, thanks to "new evidence" that has come to light concerning the Palmer assassination. He can't say what it is, but assures Homeland Security that it's legit.
Crapbag could have just said Bauer was in the country illegally (he crossed the border from Mexico) and have him deported. Jack doesn't have a job and he's running around with a gun. That's more than enough to put him in a wheelbarrow and dump his ass back into Mexico.
And I saw the evidence Crapbag has on Jack. It's a drawing with a stick figure holding a gun (Jack) and another stick figure with his head blown off (Palmer). The Jack stick figure has the sinister eyebrows, letting you know that he meant to shoot Palmer. Sometimes eyebrows are better than DNA. Actually that's not true. It's always better.
Homeland Security is ranking right up there with irritating kids in 24 Land. They've taken over CTU and haven't done anything for the past two hours except fire people and constantly suspect Chloe whenever something weird happens. CTU could do that and find the bad guy at the same time.
Creepiest moment of the night: Crazytown coming back and kissing Crapbag. Ewwww. She said he was magnificent too, which was uncalled for (does she even know what it means?). I was really scared they were going to bang. Then again, maybe that's the only way to kill the president, with dirty, loud, messy, and awful sex with his wife.
Jack has called Sheryl Crow to let her know about Crapbag and insists that she get the help of her father, the Secretary of Ass-Kicking Heller. He's on a plane and can meet Sheryl Crow in an hour, right after his pre-midnight nap and some cookies.
Papa Heller: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sheryl Crow: "Papa, don't preach…"
Papa Heller: "You called me this morning to tell me Jack's alive. Now he's a suspect in the murder of Palmer? Can't you find a normal guy? Have you tried Myspace?"
Sheryl Crow: "That's where I found Walt. Which reminds me, I have to take Jack's profile off of MyDeathSpace" It really exists!
Sheryl Crow has left CTU and is now on her way to meet with Papa. Homeland Security is still suspicious of her and tracks her, but the tracking device is found (thanks to Scowl Face) and Sheryl Crow puts it on another vehicle.
Then they find her on satellite, but Scowl Face fixes that too, which enrages the Creep. He runs around CTU looking for Chloe only to find her coming out of the bathroom where he unintentionally sexually harasses her.
Creep: "What were you doing in there?"
Scowl Face: "I had a bean burrito with some corn for lunch. Figure it out."
(Random: What's up with the funky, energetic music on 24 now? It happened when Creep was walking around looking for Chloe. I felt like dancing and shooting a gun at the same time. This must be the music they play in LA clubs.)
Before Jack can meet up with Papa Heller, he needs to have the evidence in his hand. And in order to do that, he has to scare the shit out of the bank manager so that he'll open up the vault of treasures.
I like The Pain as Jack's new black partner. The Pain's got emotion and a shaved head. Curtis had a monotone voice and a perpetual look of fright on his face. Where is he anyway?
Jack takes out a lockpick from the Freedom Satchel, along with a small device that apparently tells the alarm system to go to sleep. (Seriously, did Jack just plan for another bad day with that satchel? And why didn't he pack a Powerbar?)
Bank Manager is in bed with his wife when he hears a sound. This is normal since men are always looking for an excuse to get out of bed with their wife, even for a non-existent sound.
Oh, but it's not the sound of silence. It's the sound of Bauer aiming a gun to your head and telling you to shut-up. Jack finds the wife and aims that gun at her too. She doesn't look too freaked out until The Pain shows up.
Reason #4 The Pain is a better sidekick: People are afraid of black guys, especially bald black guys holding a gun.
Before they go into the bank, Jack gets a call from Aaron, warning him of him being a criminal again. Jack, as always, takes it with a shrug and offers the good-hearted redhead the same advice he got on his wedding night.
"Keep your eyes open and watch your back."
The Three Amigos get inside the bank and into the vault. Bank Manager recognizes The Pain and realizes this isn't a regular robbery. He asks the Pain for the truth and it is given. Bank Manager's head starts to hurt from the realization.
The recording is found and it's exactly what Mulan said, a recording of Crapbag and Anti-Bauer talking about killing off Palmer. The Pain lets a couple of tears fall out of his eyes. Don't worry. That just fuels the rage for later.
This is also when Bank Manager is privy to the whole truth. It was subtle, but this is the point where his brain crapped all over itself. (You could tell from his eyebrows. Go ahead, watch it again).
The Three Amigos are set to leave, only now Anti-Bauer's men are outside of the bank, waiting to take down the trio as if they were trying to run for the border. Jack has a plan and it involves bringing in more cops, which will create a shoot-out a.k.a. diversion. Zombies also use this tactic of asking for more cops, but for them, it's food.
The diversion works and Jack shoots some of the bad guys before reliving his high school days and stealing a cop car. Bank Manager is now a patriot, one of the man that helped Bauer and died in the process. The Pain is upset at the death and pushes his feelings down further, adding to his stockpile of rage. Soon The Pain will unleash his fury.
And when he does, his eyebrows will be slanted up, because it means he'll finally be happy.
4.04.2006
All the President's Men
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.3.06
Crazy shit always happens on this show and the audience is always asked to take some things with a grain of salt. For instance, I can believe that Jack could have braved the inferno in a squad car. I can even believe that he simply walked out of said inferno with nothing more than a dirty face and a half-alive Warlock on his back.
But nothing could prepare me for what I saw last night on 24. The Freedom Satchel, Jack's trusty sidekick, survived the inferno. That's almost as crazy as seeing Florida win by a blowout. (Stupid bracket. Every year you cause me nothing but misery and pain. And screw you UCLA for sucking so bad).
Though he wasn't scared in the inferno, Bauer is scared now because he thinks the entire day is bigger than anyone ever imagined. Jack Bauer doesn't get scared. What he thinks is fear is probably just heartburn. A couple of Pepcid AC pills should do the trick. (Now everyone's in trouble. They've upset Bauer's stomach).
Aaron and Wayne "The Pain" Palmer have survived the attack in the woods and were able to drive off in a car. They took the normal seating arrangements when a red-headed man and a black man are in an SUV together. Red's up front, black is crumpled up in the trunk and stowed away…to hide the shame.
The "super secret special present" for Aaron from the late David Palmer was nothing more than The Pain expounding on emails from a source within the White House. Aaron must have been pissed. He was promised presents and he a gunfight in the woods. If the Pain lives through this, he's gonna have to bring Aaron to Red Lobster to make up for everything. He should take him there anyway. Redheads love the lobster.
The source in the White House is Crazytown's assistant, Mulan (those cigarettes have really calmed Crazytown down. Maybe I should start smoking…) The Pain confronts Mulan and learns that she does know everything, but won't say anything until she gets her daughter back. Anti-Bauer has kidnapped her and is holding her hostage for the evidence.
It had to be coming. It's been too long since someone on 24 was kidnapped this season and at least it's a little girl and not some raving lunatic screaming about killer animals in the woods (You stop making fun of me now!-Kim Bauer).
The Pain explained to Mulan that she and her daughter have the mark of death because they know too much. Mulan doesn't go along with it until Red explains everything again, but uses less emotion and more concise words. Now he should get Red Lobster and a piggyback ride from the Pain.
Bauer is down with Operation Not Without My Daughter and has called CTU for assistance. However, CTU is getting replaced by Homeland Security because their last office was recently turned into a Starbucks/KFC combo store. They have everything Americans need, extreme caffeine and 99 cent chicken sandwiches.
Apparently, all the federal grants to Homeland went into hiring younger and prettier versions of all of us. For Scowl Face we get a random blonde girl who dresses better and moves her arms when she walks.
CTU just saved the world again, pushing them over the billion mark in terms of lives saved (they refuse to release the figure of lives lost, maimed, or ruined by CTU). It also means that Pseudo Glenn Close is feeling funny about the situation. But the Creep has a plan to convince someone to speak out against Old Man Buchanan about how crazy he was today.
I really thought they were gonna use Sexual Harassment Sheri to get Old Man Buchanan out. Why else would they litter last week's episode with the maddening "I can't believe he touched my back-hair. That's wrong" dialogue.
But no, they went to Sheryl Crow because she's DOD and warned her that her father's good name need not be dragged through the mud. This means the writers just threw that sexual harassment shit in my face arbitrarily. Unless Old Man Buchanan comes storming back and sexually harasses everyone with a weird dance and a metal pole, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Why does Homeland want the CTU hub so badly? Did the government spend too much money on hiring people and simply forget to buy a physically place for these people to work? They seemed to get there awfully quick and were eager to get to desks.
"We have desks here! No more securing the homeland in bars anymore!"
Those fools. Bars are the best place to secure the homeland because it's usually the place where terrorists plan to attack the US. That and the bathroom. You'll be surprised what people can think of after a case of explosive diarrhea (Hey, let's bomb something! Maybe use gas…gas that smells bad).
Jack needs Scowl Face and because of that, Sheryl Crow signs the document saying that Old Man Buchanan was crazy, forcing him out of play. He leaves solemnly and with only a long, hard stare at Sheryl Crow. She has become his new nemesis, which allows his old nemesis, Ryan Seacrest, to breathe easier now, at least for a little while.
The Pain and Mulan are on their way to meet with Bauer inside an abandoned barn off the road. Mulan admits that she trusted Palmer with her information and didn't think he would get killed. She should have just kept the info to herself and let it out at the appropriate time, like the office Christmas party where she can drunkenly stumble up to people and say "Guess who's bad in bed and plotting against this country?"
Inside the barn, The Pain hears someone drive up, but grows scared when he doesn't seem someone come in the front. The Pain is silly for not knowing the Bauer is a backdoor kind of guy. I guess if he were a chic, he would have known that.
The Anti-Bauer wants to trade the child for the info Mulan has. He's totally getting ripped off. One healthy child in Japan can get you a new car and a couple hundred Xbox 360s. If that child is a boy, it comes with a house that has no grudge and a free maid service.
The Pain wants to enlist in the One Man Army that is Bauer, but is shot down because shooting people in video games or in Marine training isn't the same as shooting people in real life (then my mother was right. I am completely useless to the US military). The Pain doesn't want to hear it. He wants revenge for his dead brother. And since revenge is the only language Bauer understands, the Pain is allowed to tag along.
Anti-Bauer has holed up in an industrial plant and has surrounded the area with guards. Bauer shoots two of them with a silencer and with two shots each. One to kill, the other for rage. Bauer then takes out the sniper and with this handy knife from the Freedom Satchel that refuses to die. He stabs the radio which helps to disguise his voice to Anti-Bauer with bad reception.
I'm gonna start carrying a knife with me and every time something bad happens, I'm going to stab inanimate objects until the situation rights itself. Tonight I went Bauer on a cantaloupe and my interest rate on my student loan went down.
Mulan shows up, gets her daughter, and Bauer shoots everyone in the head with his sniper rifle. Everyone except Anti-Bauer since he wasn't close enough to dispatch his former mentor with something clever like "And now the student has become the master" or "You're wife can't cook."
Anti-Bauer drives away and Mulan uses her Asian powers to divert all the bullets from the discarded machine gun away from her and her daughter. When crouched down and filled with fear, Asians can divert bullets and order pizza from the local Papa John's at the same time.
Now that Mulan has her daughter, she's allowed to expose who was the big mastermind behind the day's events to Bauer.
"Is it the vice president? Tell me now! I just made a bet with my bookie that it's the VP to make up for my NCAA bracket. Who was it!?"
The Evil Twin had nothing to do with it and Bauer is going to end up owing his bookie three large at the end of the day (season six will be about Bauer scoring big in Vegas and just letting it ride for 24 hours as he gets loaded with strippers and hoes). It was President Bug-Eyed.
WHAT??!?
It ends with Bug-Eyed talking to Anti-Bauer on the phone about dealing with the Bauer and The Pain problem they now had on their hands. I can't wait for the writers to explain to me how a guy who couldn't think straight during a crisis and whose biggest anti-terrorism initiative was to kneel and pray is somehow connected to terrorism.
And since anything is possible plotwise, I fully expect an army of Robocops to fill the street, leaving Bauer and the Pain to deal with them all. It's time to throw reason and logic out the window and smack yourself with a hammer.
4.3.06
Crazy shit always happens on this show and the audience is always asked to take some things with a grain of salt. For instance, I can believe that Jack could have braved the inferno in a squad car. I can even believe that he simply walked out of said inferno with nothing more than a dirty face and a half-alive Warlock on his back.
But nothing could prepare me for what I saw last night on 24. The Freedom Satchel, Jack's trusty sidekick, survived the inferno. That's almost as crazy as seeing Florida win by a blowout. (Stupid bracket. Every year you cause me nothing but misery and pain. And screw you UCLA for sucking so bad).
Though he wasn't scared in the inferno, Bauer is scared now because he thinks the entire day is bigger than anyone ever imagined. Jack Bauer doesn't get scared. What he thinks is fear is probably just heartburn. A couple of Pepcid AC pills should do the trick. (Now everyone's in trouble. They've upset Bauer's stomach).
Aaron and Wayne "The Pain" Palmer have survived the attack in the woods and were able to drive off in a car. They took the normal seating arrangements when a red-headed man and a black man are in an SUV together. Red's up front, black is crumpled up in the trunk and stowed away…to hide the shame.
The "super secret special present" for Aaron from the late David Palmer was nothing more than The Pain expounding on emails from a source within the White House. Aaron must have been pissed. He was promised presents and he a gunfight in the woods. If the Pain lives through this, he's gonna have to bring Aaron to Red Lobster to make up for everything. He should take him there anyway. Redheads love the lobster.
The source in the White House is Crazytown's assistant, Mulan (those cigarettes have really calmed Crazytown down. Maybe I should start smoking…) The Pain confronts Mulan and learns that she does know everything, but won't say anything until she gets her daughter back. Anti-Bauer has kidnapped her and is holding her hostage for the evidence.
It had to be coming. It's been too long since someone on 24 was kidnapped this season and at least it's a little girl and not some raving lunatic screaming about killer animals in the woods (You stop making fun of me now!-Kim Bauer).
The Pain explained to Mulan that she and her daughter have the mark of death because they know too much. Mulan doesn't go along with it until Red explains everything again, but uses less emotion and more concise words. Now he should get Red Lobster and a piggyback ride from the Pain.
Bauer is down with Operation Not Without My Daughter and has called CTU for assistance. However, CTU is getting replaced by Homeland Security because their last office was recently turned into a Starbucks/KFC combo store. They have everything Americans need, extreme caffeine and 99 cent chicken sandwiches.
Apparently, all the federal grants to Homeland went into hiring younger and prettier versions of all of us. For Scowl Face we get a random blonde girl who dresses better and moves her arms when she walks.
CTU just saved the world again, pushing them over the billion mark in terms of lives saved (they refuse to release the figure of lives lost, maimed, or ruined by CTU). It also means that Pseudo Glenn Close is feeling funny about the situation. But the Creep has a plan to convince someone to speak out against Old Man Buchanan about how crazy he was today.
I really thought they were gonna use Sexual Harassment Sheri to get Old Man Buchanan out. Why else would they litter last week's episode with the maddening "I can't believe he touched my back-hair. That's wrong" dialogue.
But no, they went to Sheryl Crow because she's DOD and warned her that her father's good name need not be dragged through the mud. This means the writers just threw that sexual harassment shit in my face arbitrarily. Unless Old Man Buchanan comes storming back and sexually harasses everyone with a weird dance and a metal pole, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Why does Homeland want the CTU hub so badly? Did the government spend too much money on hiring people and simply forget to buy a physically place for these people to work? They seemed to get there awfully quick and were eager to get to desks.
"We have desks here! No more securing the homeland in bars anymore!"
Those fools. Bars are the best place to secure the homeland because it's usually the place where terrorists plan to attack the US. That and the bathroom. You'll be surprised what people can think of after a case of explosive diarrhea (Hey, let's bomb something! Maybe use gas…gas that smells bad).
Jack needs Scowl Face and because of that, Sheryl Crow signs the document saying that Old Man Buchanan was crazy, forcing him out of play. He leaves solemnly and with only a long, hard stare at Sheryl Crow. She has become his new nemesis, which allows his old nemesis, Ryan Seacrest, to breathe easier now, at least for a little while.
The Pain and Mulan are on their way to meet with Bauer inside an abandoned barn off the road. Mulan admits that she trusted Palmer with her information and didn't think he would get killed. She should have just kept the info to herself and let it out at the appropriate time, like the office Christmas party where she can drunkenly stumble up to people and say "Guess who's bad in bed and plotting against this country?"
Inside the barn, The Pain hears someone drive up, but grows scared when he doesn't seem someone come in the front. The Pain is silly for not knowing the Bauer is a backdoor kind of guy. I guess if he were a chic, he would have known that.
The Anti-Bauer wants to trade the child for the info Mulan has. He's totally getting ripped off. One healthy child in Japan can get you a new car and a couple hundred Xbox 360s. If that child is a boy, it comes with a house that has no grudge and a free maid service.
The Pain wants to enlist in the One Man Army that is Bauer, but is shot down because shooting people in video games or in Marine training isn't the same as shooting people in real life (then my mother was right. I am completely useless to the US military). The Pain doesn't want to hear it. He wants revenge for his dead brother. And since revenge is the only language Bauer understands, the Pain is allowed to tag along.
Anti-Bauer has holed up in an industrial plant and has surrounded the area with guards. Bauer shoots two of them with a silencer and with two shots each. One to kill, the other for rage. Bauer then takes out the sniper and with this handy knife from the Freedom Satchel that refuses to die. He stabs the radio which helps to disguise his voice to Anti-Bauer with bad reception.
I'm gonna start carrying a knife with me and every time something bad happens, I'm going to stab inanimate objects until the situation rights itself. Tonight I went Bauer on a cantaloupe and my interest rate on my student loan went down.
Mulan shows up, gets her daughter, and Bauer shoots everyone in the head with his sniper rifle. Everyone except Anti-Bauer since he wasn't close enough to dispatch his former mentor with something clever like "And now the student has become the master" or "You're wife can't cook."
Anti-Bauer drives away and Mulan uses her Asian powers to divert all the bullets from the discarded machine gun away from her and her daughter. When crouched down and filled with fear, Asians can divert bullets and order pizza from the local Papa John's at the same time.
Now that Mulan has her daughter, she's allowed to expose who was the big mastermind behind the day's events to Bauer.
"Is it the vice president? Tell me now! I just made a bet with my bookie that it's the VP to make up for my NCAA bracket. Who was it!?"
The Evil Twin had nothing to do with it and Bauer is going to end up owing his bookie three large at the end of the day (season six will be about Bauer scoring big in Vegas and just letting it ride for 24 hours as he gets loaded with strippers and hoes). It was President Bug-Eyed.
WHAT??!?
It ends with Bug-Eyed talking to Anti-Bauer on the phone about dealing with the Bauer and The Pain problem they now had on their hands. I can't wait for the writers to explain to me how a guy who couldn't think straight during a crisis and whose biggest anti-terrorism initiative was to kneel and pray is somehow connected to terrorism.
And since anything is possible plotwise, I fully expect an army of Robocops to fill the street, leaving Bauer and the Pain to deal with them all. It's time to throw reason and logic out the window and smack yourself with a hammer.
3.28.2006
Harassing is Sexy and Fun
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
3.27.06
The day had finally come. I waited an entire week, anxious to see Jack torture his ex-girlfriend by yelling and throwing her up against the wall. Aside from the violent behavior, he was acting out every American male's fantasy: yelling.
But as always, yelling, though fun, can lead to secrets being exposed. And most of the time those secrets are dirty and gross. In Sheryl Crow's case, the evidence that forced Homeland Security (the chic who is Glenn Close sans all the talent and sex appeal) to torture her in the interrogation room (the Jack Bauer playpen) was the fact that she and Walt Cummings (the dirty mole) were…intimate.
Excuse me while I vomit over everything.
It happened only once and it was in a Hotel Notel in Pikesville, Maryland, the hotspot for politicos to bump uglies under the $5 sheets. Now we know why the dirty mole wanted Jack dead last season. He wanted to bang his girlfriend.
Worse than that is admitting this to Bauer in his playpen, mainly because when in the playpen, Bauer isn't Bauer anymore. He's Mad Bauer and he won't be satisfied until you're crying or you have a bullet in your leg.
Mad Bauer: Did you sleep with him??
Scared Crow: YES!
Mad Bauer: But he's UGLY!!!
Scared Crow: It only happened once! I couldn't do it because he wasn't you!
Mad Bauer (points a finger at her): Unclean! Uncleeeaaaann!!!
Homeland Security has much to worry about because if she was wrong, she'll have to deal with Secretary of Rage Heller (Sheryl Crow's dad) and, like Edgar was before him (rest in peace big E), he's hungry and he'll eat anything alive that screws with his daughter.
Jack believes the Scared Crow, but Homeland doesn't and now she wants to bring in Burke, a man who pokes people for pleasure. Wait, all guys do that. Burke uses a needle and is set to torture Scared Crow with it and more loud words. Jack believes his girl and rushes to find evidence that the whore was lying.
And, surprise surprise, the whore was lying (they always lie. Ask my ex-girlfriend). Anti-Bauer (oh yea, he's still alive) called her in the past couple of months and that was enough to send Jack screaming down the hall and punching security guards yelling about immunity agreements.
But immunity doesn't save you from sexual harassment and with a pistol seductively waved around her face (get it? It's supposed to be a penis) the whore gives in to Bauer. She admits that Anti-Bauer told her to say "Audrey Raines" if she was ever caught, much like white teenage girls in the OC are coached by their mothers to say "It was the black guy" if they are ever caught by police. They are also taught to say "Not in the ass" if Charlie Sheen hits on them.
Scared Crow is free and is embraced by Jack who she kisses (though no tongue. You can't makeout in the Bauer playpen. That would be wrong).
Scared Crow: "The only thing that got me through this was that I knew you were coming…"
Incidentally that's what she used to say to Jack after they had sex in a Motel Notel…maybe we've found another whore on 24.
There was a new addition to the 24 family tonight and her name is Sherri. At first, I thought it was silly to introduce a character with the same name of the evil demon from the past. Then I thought that maybe the Sherri's of the world drew up a petition and wanted their name to be associated with someone hot and useful.
Then I found out that Sherri is the 24 equivalent of South Park's "Sexual Harassment Panda" and now I want her to die.
Sherri has been touched before, by Homeland Security #2 (the creep) and she couldn't prove sexual harassment because, like Bigfoot, no one is really sure if it even exists. What she did prove was that sexual harassment can foster female solidarity in the workplace, since she now has Scowl Face on her side.
Sexual Harassment Sherri: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder with his fingernail and then scratched his ear? That means he wants to do it in the supply closet. He should not have done that."
Scowl Face: "I like it when boys touch me. I don't like it when they touch my computer."
Random Plot:
Wayne "The Pain" Palmer is running around in the woods with a loaded assault rifle. He's trying to reach Aaron, the redheaded secret-service guy. Aaron becomes worried that The Pain hasn't showed up yet and goes out into the woods to search for his friend.
Aaron finds The Pain in the woods who then informs him that other people are trying to kill him. (C'mon, every black guy in the woods says that). They team up and head into the woods only to be shot at, which allows them to steal a car and drive off.
This partnership is the beginning of version 2.0 of the A-Team. The team will be completed once an Iraqi soldier and a woman in a wheelchair join them. When there is no one else, these guys just show up shooting.
With all the sexual harassment going on at CTU (with glances, torture, penis/gun in face), Warlock was able to infiltrate a gas company and shoot anyone who had the gall to utter "Hey! We don't take kindly to…"
Warlock is planning to deliver the death gas with natural gas, which is another jab at the hippies. You don't want to be addicted to oil and would rather use gas? Then you die. Maybe that's what all this is about. Killing hippies with gas. It's almost something I can get behind. Almost.
(Hey "The Sentinel" is coming out. Does Kiefer even act anymore? I miss the days when he would play rednecks and cowboys almost exclusively)
Because Sherri took a chemistry class in college ("Someone harassed me there too!"), she tells Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face that the PSI has to be lowered or the gas will just be inert and just mill about the pipes. (this is also true with the gas inside of you. Let it flow out brothers and sisters or your organs will explode).
They find the right gas company and dispatch Jack, Meathead (if they don't give Curtis a personality, I will), and two random guys.
Warlock is just about to release the Death Gas when Jack and his team find the main control room. A shoot-out occurs (random CTU dies. I mourn for a second then laugh at his corpse) and Warlock escapes. But the gas is already seeping through the plant and will soon be in the pipes that will go out to 200,000 people/hippies in LA.
But with some handy C4, Jack blows up the main tank, completely disallowing the gas go through the pipe (and just like when gas isn't allowed to flow in the body, shit starts blowing up).
Meathead gets everyone clear of the area as Jack attempts (and succeeds) to outrun fire. As he does so, he sees Warlock run away and since Jack can't turn off the crazy inside of him, he gets up and chases him back into the plant that is blowing up.
Warlock sees him and before he shoots is knocked to the ground via an explosion. Jack gets him, but Warlock sexually harasses Jack by grabbing his neck and making him (and the audience) very uncomfortable. Jack head buts him (no one stares deep into my eyes!) and drags Warlock into a police car, just as the fire is spreading all around them.
Did Jack die? Not fucking likely.
How Jack won't be dead:
-uses the ejector seats in the cop car to fly to safety
-takes a handful of Ice Breakers Cool Mint Gum and creates an "ice wall" by blowing into the air
-sexual harasses the fire with a cold, hard stare that sends it whimpering off into the woods, most likely to start a brush fire
-Jack Bauer was made from fire and therefore can not be killed by it
3.27.06
The day had finally come. I waited an entire week, anxious to see Jack torture his ex-girlfriend by yelling and throwing her up against the wall. Aside from the violent behavior, he was acting out every American male's fantasy: yelling.
But as always, yelling, though fun, can lead to secrets being exposed. And most of the time those secrets are dirty and gross. In Sheryl Crow's case, the evidence that forced Homeland Security (the chic who is Glenn Close sans all the talent and sex appeal) to torture her in the interrogation room (the Jack Bauer playpen) was the fact that she and Walt Cummings (the dirty mole) were…intimate.
Excuse me while I vomit over everything.
It happened only once and it was in a Hotel Notel in Pikesville, Maryland, the hotspot for politicos to bump uglies under the $5 sheets. Now we know why the dirty mole wanted Jack dead last season. He wanted to bang his girlfriend.
Worse than that is admitting this to Bauer in his playpen, mainly because when in the playpen, Bauer isn't Bauer anymore. He's Mad Bauer and he won't be satisfied until you're crying or you have a bullet in your leg.
Mad Bauer: Did you sleep with him??
Scared Crow: YES!
Mad Bauer: But he's UGLY!!!
Scared Crow: It only happened once! I couldn't do it because he wasn't you!
Mad Bauer (points a finger at her): Unclean! Uncleeeaaaann!!!
Homeland Security has much to worry about because if she was wrong, she'll have to deal with Secretary of Rage Heller (Sheryl Crow's dad) and, like Edgar was before him (rest in peace big E), he's hungry and he'll eat anything alive that screws with his daughter.
Jack believes the Scared Crow, but Homeland doesn't and now she wants to bring in Burke, a man who pokes people for pleasure. Wait, all guys do that. Burke uses a needle and is set to torture Scared Crow with it and more loud words. Jack believes his girl and rushes to find evidence that the whore was lying.
And, surprise surprise, the whore was lying (they always lie. Ask my ex-girlfriend). Anti-Bauer (oh yea, he's still alive) called her in the past couple of months and that was enough to send Jack screaming down the hall and punching security guards yelling about immunity agreements.
But immunity doesn't save you from sexual harassment and with a pistol seductively waved around her face (get it? It's supposed to be a penis) the whore gives in to Bauer. She admits that Anti-Bauer told her to say "Audrey Raines" if she was ever caught, much like white teenage girls in the OC are coached by their mothers to say "It was the black guy" if they are ever caught by police. They are also taught to say "Not in the ass" if Charlie Sheen hits on them.
Scared Crow is free and is embraced by Jack who she kisses (though no tongue. You can't makeout in the Bauer playpen. That would be wrong).
Scared Crow: "The only thing that got me through this was that I knew you were coming…"
Incidentally that's what she used to say to Jack after they had sex in a Motel Notel…maybe we've found another whore on 24.
There was a new addition to the 24 family tonight and her name is Sherri. At first, I thought it was silly to introduce a character with the same name of the evil demon from the past. Then I thought that maybe the Sherri's of the world drew up a petition and wanted their name to be associated with someone hot and useful.
Then I found out that Sherri is the 24 equivalent of South Park's "Sexual Harassment Panda" and now I want her to die.
Sherri has been touched before, by Homeland Security #2 (the creep) and she couldn't prove sexual harassment because, like Bigfoot, no one is really sure if it even exists. What she did prove was that sexual harassment can foster female solidarity in the workplace, since she now has Scowl Face on her side.
Sexual Harassment Sherri: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder with his fingernail and then scratched his ear? That means he wants to do it in the supply closet. He should not have done that."
Scowl Face: "I like it when boys touch me. I don't like it when they touch my computer."
Random Plot:
Wayne "The Pain" Palmer is running around in the woods with a loaded assault rifle. He's trying to reach Aaron, the redheaded secret-service guy. Aaron becomes worried that The Pain hasn't showed up yet and goes out into the woods to search for his friend.
Aaron finds The Pain in the woods who then informs him that other people are trying to kill him. (C'mon, every black guy in the woods says that). They team up and head into the woods only to be shot at, which allows them to steal a car and drive off.
This partnership is the beginning of version 2.0 of the A-Team. The team will be completed once an Iraqi soldier and a woman in a wheelchair join them. When there is no one else, these guys just show up shooting.
With all the sexual harassment going on at CTU (with glances, torture, penis/gun in face), Warlock was able to infiltrate a gas company and shoot anyone who had the gall to utter "Hey! We don't take kindly to…"
Warlock is planning to deliver the death gas with natural gas, which is another jab at the hippies. You don't want to be addicted to oil and would rather use gas? Then you die. Maybe that's what all this is about. Killing hippies with gas. It's almost something I can get behind. Almost.
(Hey "The Sentinel" is coming out. Does Kiefer even act anymore? I miss the days when he would play rednecks and cowboys almost exclusively)
Because Sherri took a chemistry class in college ("Someone harassed me there too!"), she tells Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face that the PSI has to be lowered or the gas will just be inert and just mill about the pipes. (this is also true with the gas inside of you. Let it flow out brothers and sisters or your organs will explode).
They find the right gas company and dispatch Jack, Meathead (if they don't give Curtis a personality, I will), and two random guys.
Warlock is just about to release the Death Gas when Jack and his team find the main control room. A shoot-out occurs (random CTU dies. I mourn for a second then laugh at his corpse) and Warlock escapes. But the gas is already seeping through the plant and will soon be in the pipes that will go out to 200,000 people/hippies in LA.
But with some handy C4, Jack blows up the main tank, completely disallowing the gas go through the pipe (and just like when gas isn't allowed to flow in the body, shit starts blowing up).
Meathead gets everyone clear of the area as Jack attempts (and succeeds) to outrun fire. As he does so, he sees Warlock run away and since Jack can't turn off the crazy inside of him, he gets up and chases him back into the plant that is blowing up.
Warlock sees him and before he shoots is knocked to the ground via an explosion. Jack gets him, but Warlock sexually harasses Jack by grabbing his neck and making him (and the audience) very uncomfortable. Jack head buts him (no one stares deep into my eyes!) and drags Warlock into a police car, just as the fire is spreading all around them.
Did Jack die? Not fucking likely.
How Jack won't be dead:
-uses the ejector seats in the cop car to fly to safety
-takes a handful of Ice Breakers Cool Mint Gum and creates an "ice wall" by blowing into the air
-sexual harasses the fire with a cold, hard stare that sends it whimpering off into the woods, most likely to start a brush fire
-Jack Bauer was made from fire and therefore can not be killed by it
3.21.2006
Insecurity and Whores in the Homeland
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.
3.20.06
Homeland security has taken over CTU and, in grand government fashion, has done nothing except yell at people and stare aimlessly into the computer screen. They don't even have names. They just bark at you and scream "Homeland Security" like it's supposed to command respect or something. It's actually closer to a punch-line.
I hate Homeland Security. I've hated them ever since Tom Ridge squinted through the television at me and made me feel uncomfortable for lounging around in my boxer shorts at home. Screw you Tom Ridge.
After Homeland Security absorbs everything like the blob, CTU will be forced to become an underground, vigilante group that fights to protect the American people without the consent of the government, much like Larry Flynt and gay cowboys.
The only plan the government has hatched up to protect the people is to put armed military personnel on the streets of LA to "maintain order." You can never maintain order with armed people walking around, unless the order you want to maintain is that of a third world country or Miami Beach.
So why would Bug-eyed Logan do this? He's tired. He just wants a nap. And VP Evil Twin is making a lot of sense, especially when he has that crazed look in his eye. He's even crazier than Crazytown, only he's smart enough to take his pills with a vodka chaser. Crazy always goes down smoother with Absolute.
The only drug Crazytown has is tobacco and her levels were probably depleted since she went out for a smoke and never came back. I predict she'll be in full force next week, especially after a pack of cancer-sticks. She may even look cooler too.
The curfew in LA won't work, mainly because for it to be successful, the general public has to know the time. And people in LA are too smacked out of their heads to care what time of the day it is. Every hour is happy hour to a crack whore.
Which leads us to Jack and Boring Curtis (are they deliberating not giving that guy a personality?) entering the swank hotel to chase down the Whore. This particular whore has had dealings with Warlock and is selling him information vital to the next attack.
He didn't say where it was, but mentioned that releasing the death gas would kill 200,000 people, meaning the target would have to be bigger than a mall, but smaller than a brothel. Or maybe it's getting put into Sour Patch Kids candy bags, hidden as sugar and waiting to explode in a theater.
The Whore isn't there and all we find is Desmond from Lost flying through the air and tackling any black man he sees holding a gun.
(Wait! Did Jack ever give Curtis a "Sorry dude for dropping your ass on a sidewalk." Where's that scene? Or was it a quick guy nod that happened and I missed it? Maybe Curtis is waiting for that camping trip they have planned together and will let out all his dirty man love feelings. Or kill Jack for disrespecting his manhood. Either way, it'll be called "Brokeback Mountain 2: Crash into each other" and it'll win the Best Picture Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, the Nobel peace prize, and the national spelling bee.)
But Desmond is on special assignment for MI6. His assignment? Sleep with a hot terrorist whore. Why? To save Germans. More reasons why America sucks ass. We get special assignments like ignore the Sudan or die in Iraq.
Jack needs the Whore so she can tell him where Warlock is, but Desmond won't give her up because she's too valuable, mainly for the sex. When you find a girl who wears knee high black boots and dishes out dirty, European sex you hold on to her. You hold on to her like a fat kid holding on to the last jelly donut. In many ways, she is the last jelly donut in the Dunkin Donut box of whores.
And what kind of operation does MI6 have where you can be undercover and bang hot terrorist chics? Jack went undercover and got emotional bruises, a heroin habit, and another bad day. Maybe next season Jack will go to MI6 and save the world while having sex. Maybe I could do that too and call it a peace mission. (haha "I come in peace.")
As always, Jack finds a way because he has something that's more valuable than a terrorist whore. He's got a "wet list," which is just as valuable, but not as sexy in underwear, even after a bottle of wine. It's a list the NSA has that pinpoints all the terrorist cells they are tracking.
Homeland Security says it's actually not for sale and that it could ruin years of work. I say it's useless since the city of LA has been terrorized at least three times today and they didn't know anything about it. They should just call it garbage and throw it out with other useless things like condoms and the Constitution.
Scowl-face was pretty Bauer-like with her handling of Homeland Security man by throwing water in his lap. Actually, that's pretty standard behavior among tech-geeks after one of their own has been spit on (Edgar's been replaced by a non-fat man. Shameful).
Old Man Buchanan is losing it. He's being pushed out by the head Homeland Security she-beast who wants to grab all the goodies of CTU and kick out all the people, namely anyone who actually wants to secure the homeland. She's more interested in securing the fancy computers CTU has, specifically the ones that allow you to hack into NSA in 20 seconds.
So now Jack has the wet list, which I still don't believe is worth more than a dirty European terrorist whore. And apparently Desmond starts to realize this, since he admits he actually loves the whore.
Desmond: "Have you been in this situation before?"
Jack: "Yes. You never fall for the whore. Everyone knows that."
Desmond: "But I love her."
Jack: "You're mom's a whore."
I'm a big fan of talking on the cellphone on speaker while holding a gun to someone's head. It's going to be the next natural step for cell phone users.
For too long we've had to endure the dirty looks at libraries and mindless PSAs before our movies about how rude we are. Try to "shh!" me the next time I'm talking during dinner and I'll aim a .44 at your head. Go ahead. I'm looking forward to it because I'm pissed off with an itchy trigger finger and a score to settle.
Aw, Desmond and the whore actually loved each other. That's too bad. Jack Bauer doesn't like love. Every love that Bauer has had (Teri, Kim, Nina, Heroin) has let him down. Bauer spits on love and craps in its ear.
And Jack should learn to torture people emotionally. Sometimes it's even more effective.
Whore: "Who was he? Who was he working for? I loved him."
Jack: "He wasn't working for anyone. He was your brother. You know what's grosser than that? He liked it."
It was nice that Jack had the decency to give Desmond the "My bad" call seconds after he swindled him. Again, manic laughter would have sufficed instead of the wimpy "I'll give you my word" speech.
Ah, Bauer. You've made another enemy for life and will probably end up on a deserted island in the next season where Desmond will torture you with random flashbacks of your life and convince you that an arbitrary list of numbers hold the answers to everything.
Why does Jack bother with backup or even a team of agents? If they haven't died yet, they are sent away so Jack can have alone time with the enemy. Jack should just freelance for the government and have Chloe work for him out of her basement. Then he every time he shot his gun or yelled "Stop it!" he could write it off on his taxes.
Random: Little Palmer is on his way to give Aaron a present from Big Brother Palmer and has waited until after the curfew to do this. Then he gets shot off the road and into the woods, where now he is running for his life.
If he finds a goddamn mountain lion in there, I'm really gonna be pissed. Even more pissed that this plot was thrown in for no apparent reason. The present better be worth it, like a laser gun or one of those robotic dogs that flip.
After an hour of what-the-hell moments and my rage for Homeland Security increasing, I was shocked back into a wild, frenzy after the Whore gave up her source for the building schematics she sold to Warlock.
It was Sheryl Crow and, unlike Jack Bauer, she is for sale. In fact, she's in the discount rack next to the Backstreet Boys albums, the movie "From Justin to Kelly", and a box of Peeps.
Next week I'm hoping Bauer pulls out his torture lamp from the Freedom Satchel and says "I have been dying to do this again… "
3.20.06
Homeland security has taken over CTU and, in grand government fashion, has done nothing except yell at people and stare aimlessly into the computer screen. They don't even have names. They just bark at you and scream "Homeland Security" like it's supposed to command respect or something. It's actually closer to a punch-line.
I hate Homeland Security. I've hated them ever since Tom Ridge squinted through the television at me and made me feel uncomfortable for lounging around in my boxer shorts at home. Screw you Tom Ridge.
After Homeland Security absorbs everything like the blob, CTU will be forced to become an underground, vigilante group that fights to protect the American people without the consent of the government, much like Larry Flynt and gay cowboys.
The only plan the government has hatched up to protect the people is to put armed military personnel on the streets of LA to "maintain order." You can never maintain order with armed people walking around, unless the order you want to maintain is that of a third world country or Miami Beach.
So why would Bug-eyed Logan do this? He's tired. He just wants a nap. And VP Evil Twin is making a lot of sense, especially when he has that crazed look in his eye. He's even crazier than Crazytown, only he's smart enough to take his pills with a vodka chaser. Crazy always goes down smoother with Absolute.
The only drug Crazytown has is tobacco and her levels were probably depleted since she went out for a smoke and never came back. I predict she'll be in full force next week, especially after a pack of cancer-sticks. She may even look cooler too.
The curfew in LA won't work, mainly because for it to be successful, the general public has to know the time. And people in LA are too smacked out of their heads to care what time of the day it is. Every hour is happy hour to a crack whore.
Which leads us to Jack and Boring Curtis (are they deliberating not giving that guy a personality?) entering the swank hotel to chase down the Whore. This particular whore has had dealings with Warlock and is selling him information vital to the next attack.
He didn't say where it was, but mentioned that releasing the death gas would kill 200,000 people, meaning the target would have to be bigger than a mall, but smaller than a brothel. Or maybe it's getting put into Sour Patch Kids candy bags, hidden as sugar and waiting to explode in a theater.
The Whore isn't there and all we find is Desmond from Lost flying through the air and tackling any black man he sees holding a gun.
(Wait! Did Jack ever give Curtis a "Sorry dude for dropping your ass on a sidewalk." Where's that scene? Or was it a quick guy nod that happened and I missed it? Maybe Curtis is waiting for that camping trip they have planned together and will let out all his dirty man love feelings. Or kill Jack for disrespecting his manhood. Either way, it'll be called "Brokeback Mountain 2: Crash into each other" and it'll win the Best Picture Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, the Nobel peace prize, and the national spelling bee.)
But Desmond is on special assignment for MI6. His assignment? Sleep with a hot terrorist whore. Why? To save Germans. More reasons why America sucks ass. We get special assignments like ignore the Sudan or die in Iraq.
Jack needs the Whore so she can tell him where Warlock is, but Desmond won't give her up because she's too valuable, mainly for the sex. When you find a girl who wears knee high black boots and dishes out dirty, European sex you hold on to her. You hold on to her like a fat kid holding on to the last jelly donut. In many ways, she is the last jelly donut in the Dunkin Donut box of whores.
And what kind of operation does MI6 have where you can be undercover and bang hot terrorist chics? Jack went undercover and got emotional bruises, a heroin habit, and another bad day. Maybe next season Jack will go to MI6 and save the world while having sex. Maybe I could do that too and call it a peace mission. (haha "I come in peace.")
As always, Jack finds a way because he has something that's more valuable than a terrorist whore. He's got a "wet list," which is just as valuable, but not as sexy in underwear, even after a bottle of wine. It's a list the NSA has that pinpoints all the terrorist cells they are tracking.
Homeland Security says it's actually not for sale and that it could ruin years of work. I say it's useless since the city of LA has been terrorized at least three times today and they didn't know anything about it. They should just call it garbage and throw it out with other useless things like condoms and the Constitution.
Scowl-face was pretty Bauer-like with her handling of Homeland Security man by throwing water in his lap. Actually, that's pretty standard behavior among tech-geeks after one of their own has been spit on (Edgar's been replaced by a non-fat man. Shameful).
Old Man Buchanan is losing it. He's being pushed out by the head Homeland Security she-beast who wants to grab all the goodies of CTU and kick out all the people, namely anyone who actually wants to secure the homeland. She's more interested in securing the fancy computers CTU has, specifically the ones that allow you to hack into NSA in 20 seconds.
So now Jack has the wet list, which I still don't believe is worth more than a dirty European terrorist whore. And apparently Desmond starts to realize this, since he admits he actually loves the whore.
Desmond: "Have you been in this situation before?"
Jack: "Yes. You never fall for the whore. Everyone knows that."
Desmond: "But I love her."
Jack: "You're mom's a whore."
I'm a big fan of talking on the cellphone on speaker while holding a gun to someone's head. It's going to be the next natural step for cell phone users.
For too long we've had to endure the dirty looks at libraries and mindless PSAs before our movies about how rude we are. Try to "shh!" me the next time I'm talking during dinner and I'll aim a .44 at your head. Go ahead. I'm looking forward to it because I'm pissed off with an itchy trigger finger and a score to settle.
Aw, Desmond and the whore actually loved each other. That's too bad. Jack Bauer doesn't like love. Every love that Bauer has had (Teri, Kim, Nina, Heroin) has let him down. Bauer spits on love and craps in its ear.
And Jack should learn to torture people emotionally. Sometimes it's even more effective.
Whore: "Who was he? Who was he working for? I loved him."
Jack: "He wasn't working for anyone. He was your brother. You know what's grosser than that? He liked it."
It was nice that Jack had the decency to give Desmond the "My bad" call seconds after he swindled him. Again, manic laughter would have sufficed instead of the wimpy "I'll give you my word" speech.
Ah, Bauer. You've made another enemy for life and will probably end up on a deserted island in the next season where Desmond will torture you with random flashbacks of your life and convince you that an arbitrary list of numbers hold the answers to everything.
Why does Jack bother with backup or even a team of agents? If they haven't died yet, they are sent away so Jack can have alone time with the enemy. Jack should just freelance for the government and have Chloe work for him out of her basement. Then he every time he shot his gun or yelled "Stop it!" he could write it off on his taxes.
Random: Little Palmer is on his way to give Aaron a present from Big Brother Palmer and has waited until after the curfew to do this. Then he gets shot off the road and into the woods, where now he is running for his life.
If he finds a goddamn mountain lion in there, I'm really gonna be pissed. Even more pissed that this plot was thrown in for no apparent reason. The present better be worth it, like a laser gun or one of those robotic dogs that flip.
After an hour of what-the-hell moments and my rage for Homeland Security increasing, I was shocked back into a wild, frenzy after the Whore gave up her source for the building schematics she sold to Warlock.
It was Sheryl Crow and, unlike Jack Bauer, she is for sale. In fact, she's in the discount rack next to the Backstreet Boys albums, the movie "From Justin to Kelly", and a box of Peeps.
Next week I'm hoping Bauer pulls out his torture lamp from the Freedom Satchel and says "I have been dying to do this again… "
3.14.2006
Land of the Dead
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
3.13.06
The rooms have been sealed off and there are dead bodies scattered all over CTU. And just as Scowl-face was crying for the lump that used to be the lovable Edgar, a loud booming voice came over the intercom.
Attention. The facility has been contaminated. Please enter one of the three sealed off rooms. I would also like to point out that your co-workers are all drooling over my floor. Please clear that off at the appropriate time.
And I thought computers didn't have a sense of humor. Though the warning was about five minutes too late, it's nice to know Hal Jr. was thinking about us.
The gas masks are in the armory? Why? When Edgar was alive (sniff) he probably cut some nasty farts and I'm sure people had gas masks hidden everywhere for their own protection.
Poor Chloe. Not only is her best fat friend dead, but she has to endure Bauer yelling at her to get to work. Bauer's spent so much time in the field, he's a bit out of touch with office politics and how to handle a grief-shaken employee. Then again, Bauer's way is a lot more fun…
What she did respond to, at least a little bit, was the hippie magic from Rat Boy, a peace-loving clinical psychologist whose specialty is telling people to "just breathe."
Goonie is confessing his sins in the time-out lounge to Insensitive Security Guard (ISG) about losing his keycard and being embarrassed that he got beat up. He's a Goonie. He should be used to getting beat up all the time. If he wants to be ashamed about something, how about convincing the world that Rudy was a lovable guy instead of the insufferable prick he really is?
Why is Tony always in pain? He's either shot, limping, or drunk at CTU. He's never been at 100 percent, which is probably what keeps him focused. He's also responsible for bringing us another Princess Bride moment after he held a gun to Anti-Bauer's head.
"My name is Tony. You killed my wife. Prepare to die."
But like an evil conscience, Bauer was watching Tony from a camera and convinced him to leave Anti-Bauer alone, at least until the Truth Juice had done its business. Truth Juice is a lot like prune juice. Whatever bad, smelly secret you have inside of you, it'll come out soon enough, whether you want it to or not.
It isn't fair for Jack to tell Tony revenge and blind rage isn't fun. He has been in the same situation and acted how he wanted to do. Minutes before this "Settle down" moment with Tony, Jack was taking Rat Boy up against the wall.
Jack doesn't understand science and therefore doesn't trust it. That and he hates goatees.
More evidence that Tom Cruise was right about psychology: Jack wanting to kill Rat Boy convinces Chloe to get back to work, not wussy "breathing."
More evidence that Bauer is infallible: no one tries to stop him from killing Rat Boy. It even took Hellchild a couple of seconds to break it up.
Back in the nut house, the VP Evil Twin is close to living every politician's dream by declaring war on the city of LA. The reasoning? CTU was the first line of defense and now that they're gone, we're all screwed. That's crazy talk. They still have the Clippers and with enough lines of coke, those guys will do anything (like win games).
And while everyone has told Logan that Marshall Law will create mayhem, no one's telling him the positive aspects of having a constant military presence on the streets.
-the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule will finally have a presence in LA
-get to see what it's like to be a dictator for a couple of hours
-you can legally change your name to "Marshall Law" (this is encouraged)
-no more bums on the street (Unless they sing. Then they can live. But they're still not getting my quarter)
They have to act quickly because Warlock is already gearing up for his next target where he plans to blow his entire nerve gas load. And speaking of blowing a load, who's the whore? Why do terrorists always bring a whore into the plan? There are two things that don't mix with terrorism and they are whores and gorillas, mainly because they will eventually play by their own rules.
CTU (Crazy Tactics Universe) has just discovered that the nerve gas has been given teeth and is eating away at the walls (the gas is alive? and it's hungry?), making the sealed off rooms like those yellow circles Pac-Man would eat to get stoned.
Scowl-face thinks she can get the air condition to suck out all the bad. But for that to happen Jack has to find a computer in a sealed off room…while holding his breath.
Sheryl Crow: Jack, you can't hold your breath for that long
Bauer: I did when you tried to talk to me with your morning breath
Sheryl Crow (looks at everyone, looks down):…it's true. I have ass breath
(I admit it. I held my breath with Jack and ran around the kitchen looking for food. I made it to a minute before I stepped on some Dorritos, forcing me to yell "Oh shit!" and kicking the trash can in disgust.)
But don't worry. Jack has his hood on, which helps in the breath-holding process. It also makes you look really badass so the gas doesn't even want to touch you. Unfortunately, the computer Jack needs is sealed off itself, due to pipes in the wall (allowing Jack to show off that he can hold his breath and grunt disapprovingly at the same time).
Now someone has to die and since it was the Goonie's fault for getting beat up, he's sent into the land of death to quit out of the computer. He and the ISG ("You're lying Bauer! Why don't you die! It's Lynn's fault for being a bitch! I hate my red shirt!") have to make the ultimate sacrifice and die a quick, painful death that will leave their gross drool all over the floor.
Random hope: If the gas is "alive" and eating walls, does that mean the people will turn into zombies? I just want to see zombies roaming around LA, like on the E! channel.
For those that don't know, an ultimate sacrifice is what your bowels endure when you eat two ultimate burrito supremes from the taco stand on the side of the road. You know it's wrong, but it's soooo worth it.
And thanks to Lynn and ISG ("Hey, I'm ok! The gas is gone! I'm…gggguuuuuulllrripi"), the 60 percent of CTU that lived through the crisis can breathe easy now, though they will be haunted by Lynn's unnerving death pose on the camera that made his ass look strangely huge.
How Chloe plans to relax after the day is over: She'll find information on you, share it with Jack, and then laugh maniacally into the night.
After the two-hour reunion, Hellchild is finally leaving and gave no indication to Jack that she was going to be in his life.
"I don't want to be around you. When I'm around, people die. I truly am the Hellchild."
All Jack wants is a day with his daughter, which may lead to a spin-off of 24 for the Lifetime channel where Jack and Kim spend 24 hours together fighting, laughing, talking about their feelings, and watching the Notebook numerous times.
With Homeland Security minutes away from taking over the now defunct CTU, there's still time for some mayhem in the land of death, and it came in the form of Tony about to stick Anti-Bauer with a shot through the heart.
Only he didn't. Anti-Bauer woke up and stabbed Tony with his needle of death, leaving him whimpering on the floor and eventually letting go because the love of his life was gone.
Thanks 24. You killed two of my favorite characters in the span of two weeks. I'm going out to a parking lot to look for a Goonie so I can beat the living shit out of him.
3.13.06
The rooms have been sealed off and there are dead bodies scattered all over CTU. And just as Scowl-face was crying for the lump that used to be the lovable Edgar, a loud booming voice came over the intercom.
Attention. The facility has been contaminated. Please enter one of the three sealed off rooms. I would also like to point out that your co-workers are all drooling over my floor. Please clear that off at the appropriate time.
And I thought computers didn't have a sense of humor. Though the warning was about five minutes too late, it's nice to know Hal Jr. was thinking about us.
The gas masks are in the armory? Why? When Edgar was alive (sniff) he probably cut some nasty farts and I'm sure people had gas masks hidden everywhere for their own protection.
Poor Chloe. Not only is her best fat friend dead, but she has to endure Bauer yelling at her to get to work. Bauer's spent so much time in the field, he's a bit out of touch with office politics and how to handle a grief-shaken employee. Then again, Bauer's way is a lot more fun…
What she did respond to, at least a little bit, was the hippie magic from Rat Boy, a peace-loving clinical psychologist whose specialty is telling people to "just breathe."
Goonie is confessing his sins in the time-out lounge to Insensitive Security Guard (ISG) about losing his keycard and being embarrassed that he got beat up. He's a Goonie. He should be used to getting beat up all the time. If he wants to be ashamed about something, how about convincing the world that Rudy was a lovable guy instead of the insufferable prick he really is?
Why is Tony always in pain? He's either shot, limping, or drunk at CTU. He's never been at 100 percent, which is probably what keeps him focused. He's also responsible for bringing us another Princess Bride moment after he held a gun to Anti-Bauer's head.
"My name is Tony. You killed my wife. Prepare to die."
But like an evil conscience, Bauer was watching Tony from a camera and convinced him to leave Anti-Bauer alone, at least until the Truth Juice had done its business. Truth Juice is a lot like prune juice. Whatever bad, smelly secret you have inside of you, it'll come out soon enough, whether you want it to or not.
It isn't fair for Jack to tell Tony revenge and blind rage isn't fun. He has been in the same situation and acted how he wanted to do. Minutes before this "Settle down" moment with Tony, Jack was taking Rat Boy up against the wall.
Jack doesn't understand science and therefore doesn't trust it. That and he hates goatees.
More evidence that Tom Cruise was right about psychology: Jack wanting to kill Rat Boy convinces Chloe to get back to work, not wussy "breathing."
More evidence that Bauer is infallible: no one tries to stop him from killing Rat Boy. It even took Hellchild a couple of seconds to break it up.
Back in the nut house, the VP Evil Twin is close to living every politician's dream by declaring war on the city of LA. The reasoning? CTU was the first line of defense and now that they're gone, we're all screwed. That's crazy talk. They still have the Clippers and with enough lines of coke, those guys will do anything (like win games).
And while everyone has told Logan that Marshall Law will create mayhem, no one's telling him the positive aspects of having a constant military presence on the streets.
-the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule will finally have a presence in LA
-get to see what it's like to be a dictator for a couple of hours
-you can legally change your name to "Marshall Law" (this is encouraged)
-no more bums on the street (Unless they sing. Then they can live. But they're still not getting my quarter)
They have to act quickly because Warlock is already gearing up for his next target where he plans to blow his entire nerve gas load. And speaking of blowing a load, who's the whore? Why do terrorists always bring a whore into the plan? There are two things that don't mix with terrorism and they are whores and gorillas, mainly because they will eventually play by their own rules.
CTU (Crazy Tactics Universe) has just discovered that the nerve gas has been given teeth and is eating away at the walls (the gas is alive? and it's hungry?), making the sealed off rooms like those yellow circles Pac-Man would eat to get stoned.
Scowl-face thinks she can get the air condition to suck out all the bad. But for that to happen Jack has to find a computer in a sealed off room…while holding his breath.
Sheryl Crow: Jack, you can't hold your breath for that long
Bauer: I did when you tried to talk to me with your morning breath
Sheryl Crow (looks at everyone, looks down):…it's true. I have ass breath
(I admit it. I held my breath with Jack and ran around the kitchen looking for food. I made it to a minute before I stepped on some Dorritos, forcing me to yell "Oh shit!" and kicking the trash can in disgust.)
But don't worry. Jack has his hood on, which helps in the breath-holding process. It also makes you look really badass so the gas doesn't even want to touch you. Unfortunately, the computer Jack needs is sealed off itself, due to pipes in the wall (allowing Jack to show off that he can hold his breath and grunt disapprovingly at the same time).
Now someone has to die and since it was the Goonie's fault for getting beat up, he's sent into the land of death to quit out of the computer. He and the ISG ("You're lying Bauer! Why don't you die! It's Lynn's fault for being a bitch! I hate my red shirt!") have to make the ultimate sacrifice and die a quick, painful death that will leave their gross drool all over the floor.
Random hope: If the gas is "alive" and eating walls, does that mean the people will turn into zombies? I just want to see zombies roaming around LA, like on the E! channel.
For those that don't know, an ultimate sacrifice is what your bowels endure when you eat two ultimate burrito supremes from the taco stand on the side of the road. You know it's wrong, but it's soooo worth it.
And thanks to Lynn and ISG ("Hey, I'm ok! The gas is gone! I'm…gggguuuuuulllrripi"), the 60 percent of CTU that lived through the crisis can breathe easy now, though they will be haunted by Lynn's unnerving death pose on the camera that made his ass look strangely huge.
How Chloe plans to relax after the day is over: She'll find information on you, share it with Jack, and then laugh maniacally into the night.
After the two-hour reunion, Hellchild is finally leaving and gave no indication to Jack that she was going to be in his life.
"I don't want to be around you. When I'm around, people die. I truly am the Hellchild."
All Jack wants is a day with his daughter, which may lead to a spin-off of 24 for the Lifetime channel where Jack and Kim spend 24 hours together fighting, laughing, talking about their feelings, and watching the Notebook numerous times.
With Homeland Security minutes away from taking over the now defunct CTU, there's still time for some mayhem in the land of death, and it came in the form of Tony about to stick Anti-Bauer with a shot through the heart.
Only he didn't. Anti-Bauer woke up and stabbed Tony with his needle of death, leaving him whimpering on the floor and eventually letting go because the love of his life was gone.
Thanks 24. You killed two of my favorite characters in the span of two weeks. I'm going out to a parking lot to look for a Goonie so I can beat the living shit out of him.
3.07.2006
One Big Fat Tear
5 p.m. to 7 p.m.
3.6.06
There are a couple of things people hate seeing fat men do. They are, in no particular order, eating, dying, and dancing. Last night, I would have rather seen Edgar doing a jig and stuffing the new 12-inch Subway pastrami sub down his throat, then to see him die at the conclusion of the two-hour deathfest that was 24.
I cried for the fat man. He was only checking on hot Keri, hoping to plant seeds for the IT ménage-à-trois he was planning with Scowl-Face. But he didn't make it. As every fat man eventually will, he died at the hands of gas.
His last word was "Chloe," the name of the girl he was gearing up to ask out. Instead, his giant mass fell to the floor with a resounding "thud" that shook the world, both because of his weight and because of the gravity of the situation.
Even Jack cared for Edgar. He told the other woman to get lost after she pounded on the glass, but allowed a soft "Oh no" to escape his lips when he saw Edgar.
For a second I thought that Edgar would be ok, that years of ingesting every toxic Big Mac, French fry, and deep-fried candy bar would have made him immune to such bio-terrorism. As always with science, I was wrong. (I'm only good at predicting when things explode in a microwave).
So let me take a moment as I throw this greasy pizza with sausage and pepperoni on the ground for Edgar Styles. Enjoy heaven. I'm sure it's equipped with a 24-hour buffet and wi-fi capabilities that God is stealing from New Jersey.
Tony's having a bad day too. He has awoken from his coma-nap and is demanding information about Michelle. And, in true CTU fashion, it's suggested that they lie to Tony about his wife because his blood pressure might rise and his heart could explode, causing a big mess that no one wants to clean up. CTU has no janitors, only security guards equipped with dustpans, which is why they are useless most of the time.
Tony: "Can you send a message to Michelle? Tell her I'm alright?"
Old Man Buchanan: "Yea sure. If you want, you can write something down and I'll put it on her cold, dead forehead with a tack."
Sure, the truth hurts, but it's better than going to a computer and having it say DECEASED all over your loved one's name, followed by pictures of their dead body in case you were too dumb to get it the first time.
Dr. SayNothing: "If you press this button, you can actually see the explosion in reverse. See? Michelle alive. Michelle dead. Michelle alive. Michelle dead…"
Now that Tony's single again, he'll return to his booze-filled afternoons when he eyed his pistol, trying to think of someone to kill.
Back in White House land, Crazytown has survived the limo attack. Now she's itching for a bitching to her dopey husband who didn't stop the attack on the limo and wasn't there afterwards to give her a hug. Aaron, the red-headed secret service guy was there, but they aren't allowed to hug anything (trees, people, corners).
It wasn't until Novick found her and told her of the special "prayer-time" he shared with Logan that Crazytown started to let a little bit.
Crazytown: "Charles prayed? On his knees? And did you know I smoked?"
Yea what? There have been 13 episodes and only now she's bringing out the cancer stick? Buuuulllllshhhiiit. If she truly smoked, she would have been lighting them up right after she got felt-up by Walt the Molester.
So now Crazytown is back in the circle of trust with the Prez, mostly because Novick wants the VP (Logan's evil twin. Logan's not evil, just stupid) out of the picture. Apparently anyone who calls Logan up on the phone or comes in with a flashy presentation will not only get his full attention, but will get his full cooperation as well.
VP Evil Twin wants to declare Martial Law, but to do so in a way that they don't have to call it Martial Law.
Novick: "This has to go through Congress."
Evil Twin: "Not if we call it something sexy, like Clarence Thomas Law."
Novick: "So instead of mass chaos, we have mass sexual harassment where people would just put their pubic hair on everything. Nice."
They have to do something because Warlock is threatening to release more gas and this time in a hospital. A hospital? C'mon Warlock, you were the son of Satan. You're better than that.
The Death Cans are being put on the "Maximum Causality Setting" instead of the "April Fools Setting." The only difference between the two is that the April Fools one has confetti fly out instead of gas. It's a hit at Russian birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
The timer added more drama, especially when Curtis ran with it from the basement, up the stairs, down the hall, past the front desk, through the front door, down the sidewalk, through a taco bell, and finally into the van.
All the while his team of CTU blockers kept yelling out "Make a hole! Make a hole!" (haha, I yelled that during sex once). After this, Curtis and his team should create a flag-football team and take over the league with their "bomb-running play."
But the threat isn't over. There's a multitude of Death Cans left and, unknown to Old Man Buchanan and company, CTU is the next target, thanks in part to the Little Bitch who's in detention because he threw a fit an hour ago.
Why did he throw a fit? Because his coked-up sister and her metal boyfriend beat him up for his wallet, which contained his CTU keycard.
He's calmed down now and regained enough sense to throw Old Man Buchanan his patented "Goonie Face" that gets him free phone calls in prison and extra sauce on his Arby's Roast Beef sandwich.
Metal boyfriend has a plan. He's been roped into selling said keycard for a cool $20,000, which he will then use to coke out his girlfriend even more to help her lose this last annoying ten pounds (which would bring her to the socially-acceptable weight of five pounds). That, and coke lines are much better when they're made with a government keycard.
Coke-Out Sis: "Who's gonna pay you $20,000??"
Apparently no one. The ugly-faced terrorist with the bad accent shows up and kills them both, execution style. This is a shame, since I was waiting for a coke-fueled rant in the future. Alas, I'll just have to head to Mexico soon, where I can find a coke-fueled anything for a buck and a quarter.
Speaking of coke-fueled fun, Jack has found a new strategy in the game of anti-terrorism. He convinces people he's dead and jumps out of closets to surprise them. You actually don't need coke for this, but it does add to the hilarity.
Anti-Bauer thinks he's dead, so Jack has showed up at his house, toting his satchel and gun. But Anti-Bauer isn't home. He's off at the bank, getting an obscene amount of cash, leaving Jack to catch-up with Marion, Anti-Bauer's wife and an old friend of Jack.
Unfortunately, when Jack plays catch-up, he uses a gun and very loud words, making a normal conversation virtually impossible (most people aren't willing to yell that loud).
Marion: "Why do you hate him so much? He loves you."
Bauer: "…He's taller. And he stole my lunch that one time."
I now know why Jack has Chloe. He's afraid of computers. He doesn't know how to work them and looks upon them with distrust and misguided rage. They don't find anything, save for some music files. And though it's distressing to see someone listening to Hilary Duff songs, it's not a felony (yet).
There is a super secret file that has a password Marion doesn’t even know. They shouldn't have wasted their time since it was probably Anti-Bauer's stash of Asian porn.
Bauer: "Chloe there's a computer here. I need you to walk me through this."
Scowl-Face: "Just don't shoot it Jack. Computers are your friends. Remember? It's on that T-shirt I gave you."
The computer doesn't work and now Anti-Bauer is home, so it's off to plan B. More yelling and shooting legs.
Anti-Bauer: "Oh that's good Jack, start at the knee, just like I taught you. Go ahead. I'm fucking Robocop. I'm all metal and rage."
Everything is metal, even his heart since he was willing to put his wife in a wheelchair instead of divulging his "Pandora's box" of secrets. And why the knee? Is that where the truth lies? Not the elbow or the ear?
Anti-Bauer is now being brought to CTU for "medical interrogation." This is when they inject someone with a combination of the bird flu, chicken pox, and the heebie-jeebies.
(Hey, X-Men 3! Kick ass!)
Back at CTU Kim Bauer, the Hellchild, is waiting for Jack, the dad she thought was dead. And she's the hell-child because wherever she goes, hell follows.
(Haha. Chase left because he couldn't handle it. Hand-le.)
Accompanying Hellchild is Ratboy, a clinical psychologist who got into the profession so that he could bag vulnerable chicks, despite his rodent-looking goatee. And though Jack wants to beat Ratboy's ass, there's no time.
The ugly faced terrorist is in the building and has brought a Gas Can in with him. When Little Bitch finally fesses up to losing his keycard (did the terrorists really think no one would know about it for four hours?) the alarm goes off and Old Man Buchanan calls for a Code Six, which is the code to go crazy and scream. Buchanan also calls for this code when he's out at the bar.
And just like at the bar, Bauer refuses to break the seal. The sealed-off room houses a selected group of main characters who pass the time making bets on who will last the longest with the gas.
Which finally brings us back to Edgar, shuffling into the middle of the CTU and shedding one big fat tear. I'll throw another slice of greasy pizza on the ground for him. It's what he would have wanted. That and maybe a quick boob-shot from Chloe. That way he would have died seeing a boob other than his own.
3.6.06
There are a couple of things people hate seeing fat men do. They are, in no particular order, eating, dying, and dancing. Last night, I would have rather seen Edgar doing a jig and stuffing the new 12-inch Subway pastrami sub down his throat, then to see him die at the conclusion of the two-hour deathfest that was 24.
I cried for the fat man. He was only checking on hot Keri, hoping to plant seeds for the IT ménage-à-trois he was planning with Scowl-Face. But he didn't make it. As every fat man eventually will, he died at the hands of gas.
His last word was "Chloe," the name of the girl he was gearing up to ask out. Instead, his giant mass fell to the floor with a resounding "thud" that shook the world, both because of his weight and because of the gravity of the situation.
Even Jack cared for Edgar. He told the other woman to get lost after she pounded on the glass, but allowed a soft "Oh no" to escape his lips when he saw Edgar.
For a second I thought that Edgar would be ok, that years of ingesting every toxic Big Mac, French fry, and deep-fried candy bar would have made him immune to such bio-terrorism. As always with science, I was wrong. (I'm only good at predicting when things explode in a microwave).
So let me take a moment as I throw this greasy pizza with sausage and pepperoni on the ground for Edgar Styles. Enjoy heaven. I'm sure it's equipped with a 24-hour buffet and wi-fi capabilities that God is stealing from New Jersey.
Tony's having a bad day too. He has awoken from his coma-nap and is demanding information about Michelle. And, in true CTU fashion, it's suggested that they lie to Tony about his wife because his blood pressure might rise and his heart could explode, causing a big mess that no one wants to clean up. CTU has no janitors, only security guards equipped with dustpans, which is why they are useless most of the time.
Tony: "Can you send a message to Michelle? Tell her I'm alright?"
Old Man Buchanan: "Yea sure. If you want, you can write something down and I'll put it on her cold, dead forehead with a tack."
Sure, the truth hurts, but it's better than going to a computer and having it say DECEASED all over your loved one's name, followed by pictures of their dead body in case you were too dumb to get it the first time.
Dr. SayNothing: "If you press this button, you can actually see the explosion in reverse. See? Michelle alive. Michelle dead. Michelle alive. Michelle dead…"
Now that Tony's single again, he'll return to his booze-filled afternoons when he eyed his pistol, trying to think of someone to kill.
Back in White House land, Crazytown has survived the limo attack. Now she's itching for a bitching to her dopey husband who didn't stop the attack on the limo and wasn't there afterwards to give her a hug. Aaron, the red-headed secret service guy was there, but they aren't allowed to hug anything (trees, people, corners).
It wasn't until Novick found her and told her of the special "prayer-time" he shared with Logan that Crazytown started to let a little bit.
Crazytown: "Charles prayed? On his knees? And did you know I smoked?"
Yea what? There have been 13 episodes and only now she's bringing out the cancer stick? Buuuulllllshhhiiit. If she truly smoked, she would have been lighting them up right after she got felt-up by Walt the Molester.
So now Crazytown is back in the circle of trust with the Prez, mostly because Novick wants the VP (Logan's evil twin. Logan's not evil, just stupid) out of the picture. Apparently anyone who calls Logan up on the phone or comes in with a flashy presentation will not only get his full attention, but will get his full cooperation as well.
VP Evil Twin wants to declare Martial Law, but to do so in a way that they don't have to call it Martial Law.
Novick: "This has to go through Congress."
Evil Twin: "Not if we call it something sexy, like Clarence Thomas Law."
Novick: "So instead of mass chaos, we have mass sexual harassment where people would just put their pubic hair on everything. Nice."
They have to do something because Warlock is threatening to release more gas and this time in a hospital. A hospital? C'mon Warlock, you were the son of Satan. You're better than that.
The Death Cans are being put on the "Maximum Causality Setting" instead of the "April Fools Setting." The only difference between the two is that the April Fools one has confetti fly out instead of gas. It's a hit at Russian birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
The timer added more drama, especially when Curtis ran with it from the basement, up the stairs, down the hall, past the front desk, through the front door, down the sidewalk, through a taco bell, and finally into the van.
All the while his team of CTU blockers kept yelling out "Make a hole! Make a hole!" (haha, I yelled that during sex once). After this, Curtis and his team should create a flag-football team and take over the league with their "bomb-running play."
But the threat isn't over. There's a multitude of Death Cans left and, unknown to Old Man Buchanan and company, CTU is the next target, thanks in part to the Little Bitch who's in detention because he threw a fit an hour ago.
Why did he throw a fit? Because his coked-up sister and her metal boyfriend beat him up for his wallet, which contained his CTU keycard.
He's calmed down now and regained enough sense to throw Old Man Buchanan his patented "Goonie Face" that gets him free phone calls in prison and extra sauce on his Arby's Roast Beef sandwich.
Metal boyfriend has a plan. He's been roped into selling said keycard for a cool $20,000, which he will then use to coke out his girlfriend even more to help her lose this last annoying ten pounds (which would bring her to the socially-acceptable weight of five pounds). That, and coke lines are much better when they're made with a government keycard.
Coke-Out Sis: "Who's gonna pay you $20,000??"
Apparently no one. The ugly-faced terrorist with the bad accent shows up and kills them both, execution style. This is a shame, since I was waiting for a coke-fueled rant in the future. Alas, I'll just have to head to Mexico soon, where I can find a coke-fueled anything for a buck and a quarter.
Speaking of coke-fueled fun, Jack has found a new strategy in the game of anti-terrorism. He convinces people he's dead and jumps out of closets to surprise them. You actually don't need coke for this, but it does add to the hilarity.
Anti-Bauer thinks he's dead, so Jack has showed up at his house, toting his satchel and gun. But Anti-Bauer isn't home. He's off at the bank, getting an obscene amount of cash, leaving Jack to catch-up with Marion, Anti-Bauer's wife and an old friend of Jack.
Unfortunately, when Jack plays catch-up, he uses a gun and very loud words, making a normal conversation virtually impossible (most people aren't willing to yell that loud).
Marion: "Why do you hate him so much? He loves you."
Bauer: "…He's taller. And he stole my lunch that one time."
I now know why Jack has Chloe. He's afraid of computers. He doesn't know how to work them and looks upon them with distrust and misguided rage. They don't find anything, save for some music files. And though it's distressing to see someone listening to Hilary Duff songs, it's not a felony (yet).
There is a super secret file that has a password Marion doesn’t even know. They shouldn't have wasted their time since it was probably Anti-Bauer's stash of Asian porn.
Bauer: "Chloe there's a computer here. I need you to walk me through this."
Scowl-Face: "Just don't shoot it Jack. Computers are your friends. Remember? It's on that T-shirt I gave you."
The computer doesn't work and now Anti-Bauer is home, so it's off to plan B. More yelling and shooting legs.
Anti-Bauer: "Oh that's good Jack, start at the knee, just like I taught you. Go ahead. I'm fucking Robocop. I'm all metal and rage."
Everything is metal, even his heart since he was willing to put his wife in a wheelchair instead of divulging his "Pandora's box" of secrets. And why the knee? Is that where the truth lies? Not the elbow or the ear?
Anti-Bauer is now being brought to CTU for "medical interrogation." This is when they inject someone with a combination of the bird flu, chicken pox, and the heebie-jeebies.
(Hey, X-Men 3! Kick ass!)
Back at CTU Kim Bauer, the Hellchild, is waiting for Jack, the dad she thought was dead. And she's the hell-child because wherever she goes, hell follows.
(Haha. Chase left because he couldn't handle it. Hand-le.)
Accompanying Hellchild is Ratboy, a clinical psychologist who got into the profession so that he could bag vulnerable chicks, despite his rodent-looking goatee. And though Jack wants to beat Ratboy's ass, there's no time.
The ugly faced terrorist is in the building and has brought a Gas Can in with him. When Little Bitch finally fesses up to losing his keycard (did the terrorists really think no one would know about it for four hours?) the alarm goes off and Old Man Buchanan calls for a Code Six, which is the code to go crazy and scream. Buchanan also calls for this code when he's out at the bar.
And just like at the bar, Bauer refuses to break the seal. The sealed-off room houses a selected group of main characters who pass the time making bets on who will last the longest with the gas.
Which finally brings us back to Edgar, shuffling into the middle of the CTU and shedding one big fat tear. I'll throw another slice of greasy pizza on the ground for him. It's what he would have wanted. That and maybe a quick boob-shot from Chloe. That way he would have died seeing a boob other than his own.
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