Nothing Kills More Than Words

Everybody wants dirty, sexy peace

24 Season 8, episodes 23 and 24
2 p.m. to 5 p.m.
5.24.10


In the end, all mama wanted was a little peace, which was calling her like Columbian Bam Bam to a junkie who had just downed an energy drink.

But in order to get it, people had to die, dudes had to lose ears and Bauer had to be treated like Terrorist Jack so that Mama MPAT could snuggle up against sweet delicate peace at night and stroke its nubile body as countries disarmed their nuclear missiles.

And you thought the final Bauer post wouldn't get weird. That's shameful surprise you're feeling.

Thankfully for all of us, Mama MPAT chose her bedfellow long ago in Logan and, like his lovemaking, their entire professional relationship has been fraught with looks of dismay, disappointment and indigestion (no one should talk to Logan after eating a tuna sandwich).

On the other side we had Mother Hassan and Meredith Reed, two women who were on the slanted lines of a political love triangle in the beginning of the season, only to reconnect indirectly in the name of peace. This also led me to imagine them making out with each other as a way to show the world just how sexy peace could be (24 just isn't the same without a hot lesbian storyline).

Add a shot of Russian rage to the entire mix, and you have all the ingredients needed to set off a Bauer Bloodlust that knows no bounds.

"Dude! Wait...I have a daughter! Look at my tears! They are real!!"

Apparently where bullets and punches to the gut failed, compassionate words spewed out by scared hostages were the only weapons strong enough to pierce the angry bear heart of Bauer. It's probably because weepy pleas of emotion are things Terrorist Jack doesn't understand. His world consists of a duffel bag of war and a penchant for catching people by surprise in the backseat of their car.

(If Jack Bauer ever pops up in the backseat of my car with a gun, I can guarantee I will piss, poop and vomit all over myself simultaneously).

Terrorist Jack has done what so many salesguys have done in offices across America: he's crossed the line, though instead of doing it to bag as many of the ladder-climbing whores from corporate as possible, he's done so in the name of justice, which is the political way of saying "murdering spree."

But there's a reason for all the butchering (aside from the writers piling on as much violence as possible in the final season). There is evidence of Russian shame, and Jack has packaged it with a bonus video blog of his thoughts on how peace can be won, which is only through trust and with both sides coming willingly to the table.

Oh that's how peace is won? It's not through threats of nuclear war and presidential assassinations?

No friends, Grandpa Bauer is talking about the hippies' dream of peace where everyone had to be high and clueless. This is when peace is pure, and untouched by Russian hands. It's the kind of peace that has a kind of sexy innocence to it, much like Chloe walking the halls with a pistol in her hands and a complete lack of confidence.

Terrorist Jack: "Dammit Chloe who else knows I'm here!!"
Scowl Face: "Nobody. I mean Cole. And Arlo. And the vending machine that gave up your reflection."

And then follows the second instance where compassionate words spewed by a scared hostage saved their life. According to Chloe, there is another way all of this can end, and it involves broadcasting the evidence over the internet for all to hear, which is a subtle jab to the journalism industry (so now they are completely useless even in the make-believe land of television. Awesome).

Unfortunately, Logan's guard-dog Pillar is really good at waking up from being knocked unconscious and orders Chloe and Cole's arrest, and confiscates the evidence. Though not before Bauer confiscates a bit of Pillar's ear. And why not? Every crazy show deserves to have its main character play the let-me-whisper-you-closer-so-I-can-bite-off-your-fucking-ear game.

Somehow, amidst all the madness and cannibalism, Mama MPAT political heart grew three sizes that day, thanks to Bauer vlog pleading for peace, forcing her to admit her role in a conspiracy, which equally forced her to make strange animalistic yelps in the elevator (at least it wasn't on camera for the news because then she would have been depicted as crooked and creepy...which is a combo that no politician can bounce back from).

Again, words were shown to be stronger than anything else in the room (it was filled with a combination of murder and sexual tension. I'll let you decided which belonged to who) and it proved biting enough to kill the peace treaty baby and to convince Logan to off his wonderkid Pillar before blasting his head with a bullet (although he failed at suicide too...which makes me think he'll be a deformed menace in the possible 24 movie).

Which brings us to the end: The final scenes of 24 where, thanks to mysterious CTU drones (that were apparently equipped with missiles? WTF?), everyone got to see on the big CTU screen. It was probably thanks to Cisco (I'd like Telepresence please).

Random Government dude: "I know who you are. I'll make this quick and painless."
Bauer: "I'll counter that offer with a sweep of the leg. BOOM!"

And then...nothing.

A last minute phone call comes from FOX, alerting everyone that the finale is actually getting good ratings, and that the impending movie script looks like it packs the right amount of torture and sex scenes to allow Jack Bauer to live on, warrior stem cells and all.

So the series ended as so many past seasons have, with Bauer bleeding on the street and being deported from the country he sacrificed so much to protect. Interestingly enough, had he been an illegal alien who was pulled over for speeding in Arizona, he'd be getting deported too.

Possible places for Jack's new home:

-South America: It's like America...only SOUTH

-Russia: Because Bauer is just that much of a bastard

-Australia: It's the only place in the world that welcomes lawlessness with open arms

-New Jersey: The Jersey Shore has proven that it's really different world over there

Terrorist Jack is dead and in his place is a broken, yet vindicated Bauer. The man who is the only one in the 24 world who has ever read the entire Constitution.

Whenever I look at Old Glory waving in the wind under a clear blue sky, I'll close my eyes and think of the American badass that was Jack Bauer, the man who fought for justice, the right to use messenger bags in public and had the ability to go 24 hours without taking a massive, contemplative shit.

I'll miss the random lamp torturings, the often misplaced rage that reminded me of my father and the haphazard logic that was right 90 percent of the time.

But most of all, I'll miss watching him for free, since the next time we see Jack yelling "Who are you working for!", it will most likely be in a dark theater we all paid $12 to get into. So bravo Jack, you win again.

Peace friends...but only if you come to the table with a bottle of whiskey. That's the only way The Bauer can trust you.

The Right to Bear Arms for the Freedom of the Press

24 Season 8 Episode 22
1 p.m to 2 p.m.
5.17.10

Somehow, in a world of predator drones, ever-lasting Sprint cell phones and Iron Man masks, it seems that the pen of a reporter is still mightier than the sword...but only if you're a hot journalist because they are the only ones who are allowed to sleep with their high-ranking political sources.

In this fantasyland, apparently a story in the newspaper can start a war and newsrooms still have art on the wall and working phones. This is an important aspect since the FBI has written off landlines by now, stupidly assuming everyone only uses cell phones (finally, not adopting technology has an advantage!).

But what of this evidence, this SIM card ripped from the guts of a bleeding Russian? Is it really that big of a deal? You betcha!

It's enough for Logan to put on a fancy new fake-blood-red tie (foreshadowing...these 24 writers are really putting their English degrees to use) and for the president to care about forgotten laws such as the 1st Amendment.

"Freedom of the Press? That's still in the Constitution? Did no one get my memo?"

It's amazing that a president who was so loved could fall so far from grace, all because she drank the peace process koolaid and envisioned her face on a new 15 cent coin, which is the exact worth of the Constitution after shifty politicians have their way with it behind locked doors.

Thankfully, the founding fathers knew in advance that the 1st Amendment would lack balls and crafted the 2nd Amendment, the right to kick ass with grenades, rifles and use a scary-as-fuck black mask to threaten the lives of shamed ex-presidents.

Bauer is exercising his right to bear arms with a side of indifference towards collateral damage. He's well-armed thanks to Mr. Blonde's Radio Terror Shack and is prepared to shoot-up taxis and, if he has to, countdown from 5 to get the answers he needs.

Lucky for him, his target is ex-President Logan, whose power comes from his willingness to give up any and all associates when his life his threatened. Within minutes, Bad Jack brings his bag of tricks (apparently, it also included a fireplace poker to stab someone through the stomach) so that he could leave his trail of dead for all to see.

"I don't plan on coming back." (he's talking to you, television audience).

Perhaps this Bad Jack is needed, especially since Meredith never learned how to evade the FBI in J-school (looks will only take you so far) and the president falls deeper into her pit of peace process despair as she will do anything to sign the document in the next couple of hours.

Maybe she should have spent more time on healthcare, as opposed to peace.

Instead, Jack is roaming the streets of NYC like a wounded rabid animal who only sees red...Russians that is. And the next one on the list is none other than the Russian president who apparently ordered everyone to do everything bad in the entire season.

President Red Dawn, the Bauer Trolls for Thy...

Bad Russian Porn and the Members of the Justice League who love it

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

24 Season 8 Episode 21
12 p.m. to 1 p.m.
5.10.10

Like the swine flu, Bad Bauer has taken a turn for the worse, which has him vomiting up evil in the form of medieval torture techniques, using a hot member of the press as bait (there aren't a lot of those anymore) and watching bad Russian porn in the back of an NYC taxicab.

"I told you feelings have no place in international terrorism."
"I love him. And you can not stop me from marrying. Him. Now."

It's all in the name of justice (either for the death of Hot Agent Walker or for constitutional rights, depending where your alliances lie). Bauer's version of the Justice league includes Jr., Mr. Blonde, CT2 (consisting of scowl-face and Arlo the Horny) and Meredith, the last of the hot journalists in the business.

BTW, I've seen newsrooms as of late and they look NOTHING like the busy one depicted on 24. Imagine the world from the film "The Road" and add flourescent lighting, and you'll get a closer picture to the truth.

Oh, wait. Jack knew I was going to mock the state of the newspaper industry and reference "The Road," and is now threatening violence. Why? Cause in the twilight hours of 24, Bauer has entered in the cheat code and now has the ability to sniff out any possible trap that is laid out for him.

Pillar: "Let's intercept this call and the place our men at the location with an angry bear and a 10-pound bucket of mustard...what? Whaddyamean Bauer escaped that fool-proof plan!??"

It seems Bauer (aka the writers) can't afford any downtime that shows the human side of Jack, which opens up the possibilty that he is a robot and programmed to make rash decisions based on nothing.

"Where's your sim card for the phone? It's not in the immediate area around my feet....you must have swallowed it! Time to 86 your intestine!"

Yes. Torture always works, particularly when it's preceeded by an extra TV warning for viewers (that way you know it's going to be extra graphic and awesome). The best part? Jack's defeated realization that the thing he loves the most doesn't work. Apparently the writers have read all those NYTimes, Newsweek and Christian Science Monitor articles about the "impact" of 24.

Actually his mistake was leaving Mr. Blonde in the other room. All you need is him and a slick 70s track, and a good torture session is a mere hacked-off ear away.

So instead, Jack looks for clues through torture and finds what he's looking for lodged between the Russian's pancras and lunch from the day before: Logan.

The ex-prez isn't worried because Russians never talk and the current president has started to forget conversations she had a day ago, as well as that pesky document called the Bill of Rights. Her Machiavellian march towards peace is distracting and useless.

The good news? CT2 (a counter-terrorism army of 2) has setup camp in a conference room thanks to Sprint's mobile network. When you can't trust anyone at work and you're trying to get in contact with known criminals, Sprint will lead the way and give you the invisible online pressance you desire as well as providing its users with an outlet to stare at porn all day, which is a different kind of torture all together.

Just be sure the porn you're watching isn't of Bauer getting down with his lady and you're watching through a scope. If that's the case, you may well lose a bellybutton in the near future, and possibly that sim card you had as a mid-afternoon snack.

The only thing keeping anyone alive is Jack Bauer

I have a safe deposit box filled with secrets and blinding light

24 Season 8 Episode 20
11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
5.3.10

Bauer has taken to the streets as the Robin Hood of justice, stealing evidence from the scofflaws of society and getting those who can be easily manipulated to help him. The cost? Everyone is against him.

CTU Director Chloe: "I declare him....an OutLAAAAAAWW!"

Bauer's version of Little John is Little Freddie Prinze Jr (now we know why he was cast. The "Jr" is a subtle tip of the feathered-cap), who is as lethal as a rubber-band gun and just as dumb.

"Aw, you took my bullets! Dude, give me my bullets!"

That's right. The Bauer can take your clip and your manhood without you realizing it. Sometimes at the same time.

However, the argument can be made that Jr lost his manhood to Dana "I love Mother Russia" Walsh years ago. I'm not sure how well Cole would have held up being tortured with a towel, ladle of water and a moustached D.B. Sweeney. The moustache alone would have struck fear in Cole's tiny, dumb brain.

And what kind of torture was that? Sweeney was making the same motion obese people do when they are pouring tomato sauce on everything they are about to eat.

"I don't want to shoot you, but I will if I have to do."

Lies. Bauer wanted to shoot the Sweeney right between the moustache hairs, especially after he found out how risky the shot was. Bauer does what he wants, be it shooting a man in the moustache or hanging out in a bank with a brown jacket and looking suspicious. Here's a tip kids: if you're anxious in a bank, you will be arrested. In Arizona, you'll be arrested and deported, particularly if you're brown.

And for reals? Jack successfully impersonated the bespectacled black terrorist dude on the roof? Terrorist cells need to incorporate better bonding activities or, at the very least, learn to withstand the threat of getting their balls blasted off when asked for sensitive intel.

Starbuck's safe deposit white-lightning-in-a box was impressive, mostly because it worked so well. It should be assumed that anything connected to Russia always runs the risk of having behavioral problems, be it a gun, flash grenade or a 7-year-old child who just wanted to live in Tennessee.

The last words Starbuck will remember from Jr: "There is no us Dana....only Zuul."

And who will enter CTU to reign in the allusive Bauer? Logan's right hand man, who apparently doesn't know the definition of "supposedly," in the context of counter terrorism (def: when a hysterical woman says something into a phone, those facts are treated in the same vein as drunken observations from homeless men).

Right-hand man has also brought a slutty blonde, who I'm sure is doing someone at CTU...oh there are only 4 more episodes left? I'm sure a lesbian subplot can fit in somewhere before the bitter end.

Jack is now armed and dangerous, and considered at "Level 8," an arbitrary classification that could mean anything from "spits at you and yells profanity" to "refuses to wait two seasons before killing the woman who is responsible for the death of the woman he liked to bang."

As for the evidence, a part of is almost hoping it's an SD card filled with pictures of Jr in various poses and locations, with him displaying the same dumbfounded look.

The sexy and enticing thrill of "crossing the line"

MPAT, bored before she "crossed the line"

24 Season 8 Episode 19
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.
4.26.10

Not since President Clinton turned the White House into the Fun House was "crossing the line" this much fun and terrifying to watch.

What is "crossing the line" you ask? It's when someone runs past that point in one's sub-conscience that allows a person to go off the rails of sanity and suddenly embrace a world where things like grabbing a co-worker's boob, farting in a crowded elevator and torturing for a meaningless peace treaty suddenly sound like rational and viable ideas.

CTU Director Scowlface Chloe: "Jack, you're not thinking clearly. You need to calm the eff down."

Bauercopter: Bauer hears you, Bauer don't care.

Why has Bauer crossed the line and turned into a federal fugitive? The only reason your Uncle John wakes up at 7 a.m. to salute the American flag by firing a couple of rounds with his shotgun: to "git" the Russians.

Bauer's plan is for people to expose themselves out in the open...so all may know their shame. In this case, it's the Russian government for being the shadow terrorist for the entire season and for putting Starbuck in a shitty role with a really tight and revealing purple shirt (I salute you, 24 costume designers. Well played).

Despite Bauer's efforts, the U.S. government has declared the Russian evidence as "too evil," which is the same classification they gave Strom Thurmand's past and John Edwards' charisma.

Luckily, the peace process has a f(r)iend in President Allison Taylor, who is determined as a fat kid at a buffet to get what she wants, no matter the cost. In this case, the cost is waterboarding an enemy combatant and enraging one Jack Bauer.

This idea came from Charles "my neckfat is distracting" Logan who is turning into a combination of Iago and Richard III (yes, I was an English major too) in the twilight hours of 24's life.

Bauer's reaction to being an enemy of the state? Speed dial Michael Madsen and order up some weapons, which is the same thing I do when I get home and the dinner is cold (or, worse, still moving).

Bauer also enlisted the help of Freddie Prinze Jr. because after less than a day of working with him, Jack "knows" the Jr. enough to understand his patriotic soul. After a day has passed, Jack will also be able to tell when you are double crossing him, to pinpoint where you lost your keys and why you faked that orgasm that one time with that guy you met at Country Thunder.

And the only thing Bauer hates more than fake orgasms are fake treaties born from lying liars that have no hope in producing worldwide peace.

The line between peace and justice is caked in vengenance and grand larceny

When two crazies get it on, sparks and bullets will fly

24 Season 8 Episode 18
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
4.19.10

In the world of 24, peace can never exist for two reasons: it's boring and no one wants to see the Russians at any table, even the kiddie one on Thanksgiving.

With world peace an angry Russian away, Bauer is convinced that no peace is worth it when it has been born from the blood of the innocent. Especially when the innocent is a redhead who was a wild early morning lay.

Crazy uncle Logan's sleeziness has finally come in handy and has found a way to blackmail the Russians into returning to the Peace Table that will produce a treaty that will aim to bring peace to the world.

President Taylor: "You have a sex tape right? Wait, it's worse than a sex tape?"

PT is wasting her time living in the TMZ world of shame. Who needs a sex tape when you happen to know the Russians are behind a plot to ensure peace never breaks out in the Middle East, Europe or Jersey?

According to Logan, they are bastards who orchestrated the Nukes entering the States, the various assassination attempts on Hassan and for implementing Dana Walsh into the plot (most likely their worst offense of all). And the crux of Logan's plan? The simple playground threat of "I'm telling on you."

Logan's wild accusations are enough for the Russians to retract their previous stance of "Um, not really feeling it guys" to "Pass the peace pasta bowl so I can take a massive helping of political posturing."

This means (The Black) Dahlia will be sitting at the peace table across from the very people who indirectly killed her husband. Think of that Thanksgiving when your aunt met her ex-husband's new younger wife who works at Hooters. It's like that.

So while peace is coming through the backdoor (hold for immature laughter), which is the only way Logan will have it, Bauer is running around yelling at Russians in courtrooms and slapping moles with his fist to get to the bottom of the truth.

Chloe: "Jack! Stop hitting people!"
Freddie Prinze Jr: "Just let him play Chloe...he had a lot of sugar this morning" (pssft. sugar = sex).

Though he gets Dana "I will only stare into the camera with dead eyes" Walsh to start talking, Bauer is denied the chance to prove his lead right. Instead, el presidente wants peace thanks to a Julius Caesar quote and the fact that she already had 1 million posters declaring her "The Peacemaker" made up the week before (Homeland Security has to do something with its budget and lack of leadership. Poster making seemed like an obvious evolution).

And to ensure peace, President Taylor makes the bold move of putting Jack in a federal timeout for debriefing. Fatal mistake. Bauer reacts by leaving 24 behind and playing Grand Theft Auto with New York City.

Why do this? Because while peace sounds like a nice concept, the world runs on the war economy and guns will always be cooler than flowers...unless those flowers are filled with poisoned bullets that can shoot out of its petals.

The Quest for Peace and a Girl who can Survive a Post-Coital Shooting

RIP: Walker, Sexual Ranger

24 Season 8 Episode 17
8 a.m. to 9 a.m.
4.12.10

After 8 seasons of 24, the Bauer has finally done what his gun has done at least 500 times before: go off.

For 20 minutes in his Ikea-friendly apartment, Bauer interrogated Walker's va-jay-jay with his man pistol and found out she was working for Morning Glory Deliveries and that she's very good at her job (so good that her performance was enough to distract the assassin outside to hold-off on shooting and use his scope as his own personal pornfinder).

Out of all the women that Bauer has allegedly bedded (Amnesia Teri, Nemesis Nina, Big Lips Claudia, Comatose Audrey), only Renee could match Bauer's animalistic violence. And let's face it, redheads are dynamite in the sack.

Freddie Prinze: "Jack. You have to get debriefed."

Bauer: "I do all my debriefing at home...with women. Not in an empty room with other dudes watching another dude scribble words on a page. Weirdo."

It's the perfect time to get it on since sex is so much dirtier when the prospect for peace dies. And with President Hassan now dead, there isn't much for President Allison "I suck at marriages and peace processes" Taylor to do anymore...except to scold Russian leaders about their anxiety toward peace.

Russian dude: "Mother Russia will never sign such documents about peace unless you provide an inspiring speech on par with the ending of Rocky IV...or ressurect Dolph Lundgren's career. Either way, we wait."

Ah the Russians. It seems 24 will always have a soft-spot for America's Cold War dance partner, and what better way to end the series than with more white men with bad foreign accents (a la Dennis Hopper's bad accent in Season 1) who don't want peace?

Why else would they dispatch a covert cell to kill CTU's only lead in the case (Samir) and attempt to Sniper Bauer and Walker (Worst. Sniper. Ever. Which is what you get when you're made in Russia #sweetcoldwarburn).

And really, was it the sniper bullet or Jack' sperm that killed Walker? I'm guessing it was a combination of both.

Mother Hassan: "What what WHAT?"

Apparently, the final hours of 24 will be an attempt to bring peace to a fictional world that has seen numerous atrocities occur in Los Angeles, and occasionally elsewhere in the world (amazingly, Pittsburgh has been spared...but not from its regular shame).

So in an effort to save the world and bring Treaty Peace to the Middle East (the peace is on paper, not in the streets), Mother Hassan is showing what brown can do for the US and has taken her slain husband's place as president and as being the rough, cold-hearted parent to the eternal whining naive preteen that is Kayla Hassan.

President Hassan, female'd: "Shut up Kayla and get in the limo!"

(I still think the writers lost a bet and are now forced to keep her in the plot at all times).

But how does one protect Peace Process 2.0? With the awkwardness and scowl-faced stares that only Chloe O'Brian can produce.

Bubba Gump's rule as director of CTU is now over, and he leaves a wall of shame that includes the hiring of Starbuck the mole and running down the hall yelling "Seccuuuuuurity!" in an effort to, you guessed it, alert security.

The most technologically advanced CTU office in the country (they have drones that fly remember? 60 percent of the time, they work every time) and this guy thought the best way to sound an alarm was the Paul Revere way. Fool.

With Chloe in charge of things, thanks to the decision by Homeland Security Tim, she can now prove she's smarter than a fifth grader (Prinze Jr) and give hope to the socially awkward in society. If you're right most of the time, no one will care that you're weird and never smile.

However, the key to Peace Process 2.0 is shamed ex-President Logan and his secret Russian files that are apparently legal and have no potential at disgracing the current president. Here's a tip. When you have to explain that your plan isn't illegal and shameful, than it's probably worse than those two combined.

Peace Process 2.0 is doomed anyway. Now that the woman Bauer deposited his sperm into has died, he will no doubt be out for revenge. Every sperm is sacred, but more so when it comes from the man who only has 7 episodes to quench his thirst for violence and counterterrorism.

All I'm saying, is that maybe we should give pizza a chance

Someday, my peace will come...

24 Season 8 Episode 15-16
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
4.5.10

After being a man of war and purveyor of western whores, President Hassan tried to do something no one thought possible. He tried to bring peace to a television show based on war, terror and violence. In the end, he paid the ultimate price after hearing a list of his alleged crimes, which included:

-being an infidel
-having too much hair
-spawning the most annoying daughter in 24 history
-trying to screw up the Slumdog Millionaire
-failing to negotiate a White Castle franchise for his country in the peace treat

The lesson? Never try. Or at the very least give pizza a chance as opposed to peace. Studies on the internet from the Institute of Wayward Facts suggest that 83 percent more people embrace the notion of $1 slice Thursdays as opposed to worldwide peace.

Instead, Hassan's life was taken in a secret backroom in an apartment inhabited by two human shields posing as a mother and her child.

How did we get to this conclusion that showed Bauer weeping at the cold corpse of Hassan? A calculated fuck-up orchestrated by White House officials, a CTU mole and a boy who loved his girlfriend so much that he was willing to forget about her whole felony past.

It was a spectacular display of shame on all accounts, save for Bubba Gump setting up a security detail that required people to ask his permission to leave the building. Apparently treating counterterrorist agents as 6-year-olds paid off.

And though his end goal was peace, Hassan eventually stepped into harm's way to protect the white women and children in Manhattan from being exposed to a dirty bomb. It's already enough they have to deal with MTV and a deluge of reality stars puking in the city's alleyways. A dirty bomb going off and spreading its dirtiness on the Upper West Side would have pushed the city to the edge, inspiring nightly re-enactments of the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper six-minute fight scene from They Live.

Thanks to Hassan that reality won't exist. In its place is a reality where supercop agents (a la Bauer) can steal whatever car they want and terrorists can use Bluetooth headsets and a cup of coffee to conduct kidnappings.

It's a world where the White House Chief of Being a Dick oversteps his boundaries and sacrifices a career (and possibly a life) for the good of the NYC elite, and where moles like Dana "The Strangler" Walsh find a better motive for terrorist other than money.

"Isn't it always?"

To borrow a phrase from Chief of Staff Rob "I'm here for the heart attack" Weiss: "Really? Reeealllly?"

We were led to believe that she had such reservations helping her ex-boyfriend Kevin score and it turns out she's the same...only her crimes of choice is treason and breaking hearts.

Poor Freddie Prinze Jr. He just wanted to know what love was...and now he knows. It's fraught with accusations, suspicion and pain. Happy Valentine's Day friendo.

It's ok though. CTU has a wellness center that assists agents who have been emotionally compromised. It consists of someone from upper management providing a long hard stare, squinting their eyes and saying, "Get over it."

The CTU wellness pledge may come in handy during "The Final Hours" of 24 (on television), which may allow us to forgive things such as Chloe figuring out where Hassan was located in the building from the way the sunlight hit his face during the grainy terrorist video (good guys have Cisco, bad guys have Skype) and Bauer playing the "If you're brown, get down!" game.

For now, we're all in the metaphorical Situation Room, watching the final scenes of 24 play out and waiting for an epic death or for a guy from Jersey with a ridiculous pair of abs. Either way, it's going to be creepy and weird, and despite some of the best efforts from some of the heroes of 24, there will still be some countries that still don't have access to pizza.

Subterranean Gunfight Blues

24 Season 8 (The Last One) Episode 14
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.
3.29.10

The rods, in their non-glowing stupid glory, is now in the heart of NYC and, in a matter of 15 minutes, threatens to make the Upper West Side look like Trenton, New Jersey, complete with the radiation-poisoned zombies.

The terrorist terms? The delivery of President Hassan. The U.S. reaction: an almost unanimous "No Effing Way."

The minority position: ummm....would it really be that bad?

Chief of Being a Dick Weiss: "This is America. There are mostly Americans living in the Upper West Side. We have to protect Americans and not brown people yelling about peace treaties and missing daughters."

But because Prez Taylor subscribes to the "No Effing Way" response, that idea is struck down because America doesn't give in to terrorists and could use a good bombing so the country can do what she does best: get up after getting punched in the va-jay-jay.

Now that NYC is threatened, President Hassan must be ushered to safety. Unfortunately, Connecticut was already booked by David Letterman, which meant the Family Hassan had to be brought (and in one instance carried) to the rough roads of New Jersey for safety.

Bringing people to New Jersey to be safe is like putting a baby in a venus flytrap crib.

Ethan Kanin: "This is...beyond madness!"

No Ethan, this is SPPAAAARRTTTTAAA and Sparta men like Bauer don't question a plan that involves an underground escape route. What he does question is when he gets ass-called by people in the middle of an operation.

Bauer: "Kanin just called and didn't say anything. I heard muffled voices and it sounded like he was walking around...Eff this mission."

But it's too late. The Secretary of Being a Dick has already been peer pressured into hatching a plan that involves US military soldiers kidnapping the Hassan to take to the terrorists, which is being dubbed the "Two Birds" Strike...because it involves the ritual sacrifice of two birds in the process.

Sadly, this may actually be the best option since Starbuck the Mole is using her dead eyes and rough whispers to relay information to head badguy Samir. Why? Because someone eight years ago bet one of the 24 writers that they couldn't stretch a television show for eight seasons by implementing a plotline that involved a mole each year.

Unless the Chief of Being a Dick Weiss grows a heart (and he won't because the dudes who get appointed to this position have no soul and call everyone retarded), Hassan will be captured and handed over to head badguy Samir, turning the Tunnel of Freedom into a Subterranean Shitshow. This was made evident with Daughter Hassan's contribution this week of spraining her ankle, forcing others to carry her to safety.

As a counterattack, Bauer released the anti-terrorism Cracken, a la Clash of the Titans, and used smoke grenades and trickery to take down an elite team of US military men (or as elite as they can rustle up at 5 a.m., which is known around the world as "skank time" in strip clubs and military operations).

It doesn't matter. Starbuck Mole alerts the terrorists that the president has indeed signaled she is saying "No Effing Way" to their demands, causing Samir to put into motion a 15-minute doomsday clock for the Upper West Side that will have a brown man in a white van as ground zero once all the dust has settled.

And when this happens, what will Jersey's reaction be? "Dude. No. Effing. Way."

It's 4 a.m. and ears of CTU agents are still ringing and your only hope is...

I know computers and hate praise.

24 Season 8 Episode 13
4 a.m. to 5 p.m.
3.22.10

Since CTU has been EMP'd into the stone age, which is technically 1993 in tech terms, the once all-knowing, all-seeing and all-hearing entity has been reduced to traffic cams, phone with hardlines and remote-controlled drones circling the sky that will soon become self-aware and kill us all.

It's gotten so bad that the only thing the essential personnel at CTU can do is pass along reports of burned agents and flooding in the basement.

Bubba Gump: Flooding in the basement...will we drown?"
America: You're dumb without your fancy techno gizmos

The non-essential personnel was escorted outside with the rest of the scum, mainly because they didn't have access to the fancy CTU flashlights (you need a level 4 Hastings pass).

Thankfully, the NSA showed up with its magical box of cell phones and a by-the-book tech dude on a power trip. Why the bad attitude? Oh right, he's married and pushing geeky chics around is the only way he can feel powerful.

I'm not surprised. The NSA always gets a little anxious whenever anyone wants to get up in someone's Trunk Line, especially when it's the girl who makes weird faces into the camera. And because the writers never really explained why it was so dangerous to go through the Trunk Line, I have to believe it was because they weren't allowed to say "Let's just go up the ass and get the system running again" on national television...even on Fox.

Now that CTU is the deaf, dumb and blind kid (who can play a mean pinball), Jack is left to fend for himself with an actor desperately trying not to say "Dude" every 10 seconds (you can hear the intonation in his voice that he soooo wants to).

"Dude! There's snipers everywhere! That's a suicide play! Dude!"

But can it really be called a suicide play when Jack has fashioned an armored turtle float that is now crawling toward freedom? They should have called it the Slowsky Float, since it was going at dial-up speed. It would have been appropriate given the out-of-date tech theme of the night.

It's a shame Not-Owen-CTU man didn't trust Operation Human Shield. His punishment? Being turned into a bullet pinata for all to see.

However, the Slowski Initiative did little compared to the Bauer's "suicide" play of running around in circles and shooting blindly into the night with an automatic rifle. If this was a real suicide play, Jack would have C4 strapped to his back while holding a hand cannon and riding a rabid tiger.

This was all so that they could reach this mythical "hardline" telephone so they could call CTU, the federal agency that looks to recruit people who think differently, which in this case includes people with a penchant for Trunk Lines and grumpy-looking blondes who have a soft-spot for terrorism.

Yes, welcome to your new mole: Starbuck. Apparently the subplot was lame for a reason...and now we get to look forward to Freddy Prinze Jr's best attempt at his "What the...." face when he finds out.

At least we got to see Prady try to cop a feel before he choked out. Like riding a rabid tiger to your death, there's the lame way to go out and then there's the classy way.

How to win a war: Use hysterical women and yellow Taxis

File 33 is well protected with graphics and Velcro

24 Season 8 Episode 12
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
3.15.10

I had a File 33 once. It held printouts of chatroom logs from a girl I met online, as well as the skematics for my super-cool funhouse I was going to build with tinfoil and scrap wood. I was also 12 and thought it was a good idea to have all my important information in once place. Apparently Omar is on par with the Secret Spy Club organization I formed in my preteen years.

The mysterious "File 33" was announced and revealed in the same episode (which is something Lost could learn from) and was shown to hold all of the fatal flaws of the U.S. It knew about our defensive weak points (California) and the area where, if hit, would crush the American spirit (surprisingly, it's the Ben & Jerry's Factory in Vermont).

The mere existence of File 33 also revealed Bauer's true feelings on immigration issues.

Bauer: Dude, your family brought this messed-up shit into the country. So you get just geeeeeeeet out.

What's that? You want Bauer to save your daughter instead of millions of American lives? Tough shit. When it comes to Team America JB is all about yelling at the NYPD and playing with his laptop while going 80 mph down the street. That's freedom people...and it costs a buck o five.

Despite its cost, it's something the rest of the world envies and some people are willing to take some phallic nuclear rods and light our ass up like the Fourth of July...because we got the bombs.

In retaliation for their jealously, they have deployed a hysterical woman named Kayla who's really good being a 16-year-old girl in a twentysomething's body and following point-to-point directions to CTU while driving a car and screaming "I don't know where I am!" out the window.

Poor Kayla...how can your dad run a country when his child hasn't even been trained on how to send signals via a terrorist video?

Being able to pick up on subtle shit like that is what Team America is all about, which is why Jack can figure out when an immigrant is faking an American accent (it just feels wrong). Deciphering yellow taxis? That's another story entirely.

Bauer: It's empty! EMPTY!

You know what else is empty? The interest the American public has for the Starbuck Storyline of Resurrected Plots. Dude #2 shows up and demands information. Granted, it's allowed Stephen Root into the building who is capable of being dramatically creepy as well as being a dodgeball master.

At this point, I wish Kevin would rise up and just kill Starbuck a la Jason Takes Manhattan. Truckasaurus should show up just to be sure the job gets done.

And then after Truckasaurus kills Starbuck, it can go to CTU and show Bubba Gump how to run things as opposed to yelling "Good work people!" prematurely and running down the hall yelling security.

A goddamn bomb is showing up at your place of bidness and your first reaction is to race down the hall yelling "SECURITY!" instead of picking up the phone and hitting the red button for security?

Maybe Bubba Gump will do better when he's not surrounded by all this fancy technology and is forced to catch criminals Miami Vice style, with brick-like cellphones, beepers, cheap suits and good old fashion street fights. And Tubs. You can't do shit without Tubs. Respect.

The Man in the Box

24 Season 8 Episode 11
3.8.10
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.

Apparently even a man locked in a box with a bomb vest on (Target will be the first to jump on the new fashion statement this summer) is no match for the Bauer, who used his angry Care Bear stare through the window and threats of turning people's moms into radiation zombies to convince Half-White Terrorist Marcus out of hiding.

Sure, you can try drilling through the door or engage in political discussions, but the only way to really coax a would-be suicide bomber is to bring his unsuspecting mom down to the hospital and make her cry into a camera. In some countries, this is also how the local police force get hardened criminals to confess to crimes. Except in Mexico, where everyone and their mother is guilty of something (occasionally it's being too sexy).

The other piece of tension aside from that? Watching green dots appear on the vest. One at a time. Every 10 minutes.

Take into account the demotion of Starbuck and Bubba Gump saying her and her angry-distrusting-husband-to-be are replaceable (though not right now because it takes forever to set up the obstacle course), and you've got yourself a boring and shitty episode.

One thing saved it: Stephen Root and his evil beard. But instead of the Red Stapler from Office Space, Root is armed with a southern accent and impeccable timing. Of course the criminal who just died would have his parole officer come looking for him in NYC at 2 a.m. This is where insanity never sleeps (or leaves you alone at the bar).

This is more evidence that one should never answer their phone at 2 a.m. It either leads to unwarranted accusations or an ugly drunk girl. Yes, you'll have a new story to tell at the bar, but it takes a week for the shame to come off.

Starbuck: Cole! Kevin's parole officer is in town and I dunno what to do!
Cole: Just lie. Whore. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that....whore.

Offering strategical advice and being passive aggressive at the same time is one of the many merit badges available for the CTU boyscout. Of course, those who wish to "trade-up" can demean themselves with Arlo, the sleazy tech guy (which is part of the last leg of the recruitment obstacle course for newbies).

Oh you like sleazy sex in fancy hotels? Then come on down to House of Tarin, where men talk of Amnesty and the women are naive. And there are free showers for everyone (but all must shower alone!).

So President Hassan has been vindicated for his irrational fears and paranoia. Next up on his agenda? Random pantsings...just to see who is a closeted tighty whitey.

And now Bauer is on his way to the hotel room of ill repute, where he will use his specialist skills to break up another seemingly happy couple. In the Olive Garden commercial of life, Bauer is the Kool Aid Man of justice, ready to bust into any scene to make it more interesting and refreshing. Or, in the case of all the families in those Olive Garden commercials, drown their stupid pasta-eating faces in their stupid chicken Alfredo.

OG commercials, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Dirty Bombs in the Street and in the Bedroom

24 Season 8 Episode 10
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
3.1.10

With the Academy Awards only a week away, it's fitting that we honor the brave men and women who use their acting abilities for justice, as opposed to making millions by playing one dimension characters one screen that earns them the right to be followed by TMZ.com.

The CTU drama crew has a long, prestigious history, and for tonight's episode, they spared no expense in tomfoolery and emotional emptiness. It was by far the greatest display of counter-terrorism chutzpah ever captured on film.

While others with simplistic minds may draw comparisons to Weekend at Bernie's or Driving Miss Daisy or any other film about someone carrying around corpse, they'll miss the subtle touches employed by the CTU drama crew to convey the rawest emotion in the human spectrum: fear.

For a second, the audience was truly captivated by the player Owen, who translated the look of "Oops I crapped my pants" with a stunning conviction that it would be hard pressed to find anyone who didn't think he had some extra baggage in his shorts.

And during the pivotal show-me-your-bomb scene, Owen elevated the reality of the moment with his stoic "No, show me" response to the flabbergasted bomb-vested opponent (who happens to be white. C'mon, do they get ALL the roles for the stage?).

So bravo Owen, you win in the 12 and under category for best frightened boy on television.



As for the best whimpering, that goes to Fahrad, the waste of a character who was apparently only brought on as an excuse to bring the CTU drama crew out of retirement. Other than that, he proved he had two other viable skills: whimpering into cell phones and getting shot in the street.

It was all in the name of spreading the news that the dirty rods were going to be used to make a dirty bomb that would go off all over the dirty mattress that was New York City. And the nuclear explosion would be so massive that no one would be able to have sex in dirty NYC apartments and alleys for the next 40 years.

So it's good that Daughter Hassan and her security boy lover have consummated their lame loveplot of crappiness with a late-night what-what as their people try frantically to find them. Though, thanks to all the moaning, Hassan's security detail should be able to locate them soon, especially since they have acute hearing through shut car doors.

You know what else they can hear through shut car doors? Pre-marital tension. Though some studies have found that couples who kill and bury their dead together have a better chance of "making it" when compared to their peers who just got married for the kids. So we're saying there's a chance for Starbuck and Cole...as long as they keep on dumping scum in random ponds.

Perhaps they should take a page out of the Bauer Book of Love to get their relationship on track.

Step 1: Tell girl she's unstable
Step 2: Role play
Step 3: Get stabbed by girl
Step 4: Break girl out of accusatory debrief
Step 5: Shame head of CTU to drop charges on girl
Step 6: Tell girl to wait for you in your apartment...naked

Through Bauer's six-step plan, anyone can get the crazy girl of their dreams, and possibly their old job back, which is important in today's weak economy. If it gets any worse, the CTU drama crew won't be able to participate in the annual Shakespeare in the Park with Guns event this summer, which would be a shame. Owen plays a really good Juliette.

The Hunted

Aiming is for Amateurs

24 Season 8 Episode 9
2.22.10
12 a.m. to 1 a.m.

It's now midnight and as the drunken hipsters of NYC line the streets of the Big Apple in search for an over-priced can of Pabst Blue Ribbon at a trendy bar, a band of would-be criminals are hitting the streets in search of the one they call Faraad, which I'm sure can be translated to Failure in a bunch of different languages.

Here is a quick list of his fails:

-being a good brother
-negotiating with Ukrainians
-running away
-looking like Jason Schwartzman

He's being hunted by his people because he refused to allow his rods to go off in New York City. Sadly, he's in the minority (more so than before. BURN!).

Even Bauer wants to get his rod to go off and placed a booty call to medical to make sure that Renee "I will stare you down instead of answering questions" Walker knows that she "has" him. That is CTU code for freaky monkey shower sex at 0h-three-hundred-hours.

But like most rods that are set to go off, Bauer's is cock-blocked (yes, I've abandoned the metaphor) by Bubba Gump who revealed that he is talented at hearing gunshots through a phone and getting appointed by White House Chiefs of Staff (staff. hehe. everything goes back to rods. I'm calling Season 8 to be one long penis joke).

Walker is forced to defend her eye-stabbing as self defense and Justice ain't having none of it. And if she had her way, Walker would go to jail.

"Excuse me sir you can't..." [Throatpunch!]
"Hey! You can't just come in here and... [Throatgrab!]

I completely understand. When a man has sperm built up in his system, it's not right to let it linger. Every sperm is sacred, which is why Jack refuses to sit or play by the rules. It damages the sperm.

Sperm is so sacred that even the potential of another man's seed getting close to your woman is enough for a CTU agent to go AWOL. This is also true of the urge for drunken tacos, but in NYC, that doesn't happen till 3:30 a.m.

Diet Cole-a (he looks like a regular CTU agent, but has less personality and oomph. So in the long run, he's healthier, but less exciting) is on the hunt as well, only he's tailing his fiancee Starbuck.

She's hunting with a silencer and watching her prey from a distance as they enjoy the company of two women of the night who apparently don't mind getting in a van that will eventually park itself in the woods. What they do have a problem with is when someone gets a little too "freaky." I can only assume Kevin's friend I'm with Stupid wanted to play the "Who Has Herpes?" game. Or maybe, just maybe, even strippers from Jersey city have standards.

What has all this been leading up to? The handover of Cole's command of a CTU strike team to 12-year-old Owen, a boy-man-child who looks like he just came off the soccer field and is ready for combat with cleats and shinpads. He also has "Destined to Fail" tattooed on his arm. He got it when he and Faraad when to Fail Camp as kids (the camp's motto is "Everyone Falls. Not everyone does it epically).

Instead, Hastings brokers a deal with Bauer because out of all the men and women CTU NYC has, his best bet is an aging retired agent with a history of being a loose cannon. It also proves that a man will do just about anything for booty...even go back to work.

Bauer and the Way of the Monkey Fist

Everyone has a monkey full of rage inside of them

24 Season 8 Episode 8
2.15.10
11 p.m. to 12 a.m.

While the nighttime is the right time for love, it's also the right time for torture, stalking, falling into distrust with your partner, revealing to your father about your secret relationship and cutting carrots.

I know...who cuts carrots that close to midnight? Old men from Ukraine who Americanized their accent so much that you can't tell where they're from anymore. Or maybe he's really a stripclub owner from Jersey City who is trying to hide from the rift-raft who hole up in there.

That would be Kevin and his friend Rage Boy, whose secret power is yelling at (people) or into things (phones).

And what's Kevin's secret power? Getting ex-girlfriends to do stuff for him. Illegal stuff. That and sweet talk with phrases like "We got something good here" and "Things change."

Things do change, and once you say that to a woman, or your friend Rage Boy yells at her, she's likely to change into American Psycho who stalks her prey from the champagne room (there's no sex, but there's plenty of peeping Toms).

Why is Starbuck doing this?

Bubba Gump Hastings: "I don't know."

Well, where is Jack?

Bubba Gump Hastings: "I'm not sure at this time."

Have you seen a CTU drone that was actually useful?

Bubba Gump Hastings: "We have exhausted our workforce in an attempt to answer that question."

The Buba Gump subplot of stupidity is starting to run its course. Someone needs to give the man a shotgun and something to do. Or maybe something stronger since shotguns can't even break tables in a late-night NYC restaurant.

Just as Petrovich (I don't remember his last name) who decides to blase wine glasses instead of Jack when he discovers his prisoner has escaped. A table can sustain a shotgun blast? Really? And then that same table can be used as a weapon to knock out the guy shooting said shotgun. Really. O.M.F.G.

I can buy the Jack hanging from pipes and knocking people out with his monkey feet. I'll even buy that Chloe was quick-thinking enough to cover for Starbuck.

But a guy getting knocked out after being table'd by Jack? Unless that table was dripping with remnants of nuclear material and maybe had upside-down nails glued to it.

Jack's game of manhunt-for-a-viable-Sprint-cellphone (it has to be Sprint because that's the only service Bauer understands) again showed off his monkey attack skills. Apparently grandpa Jack has been hanging out at the senior center jungle gym to ensure he stays in shape.

Hassan should learn from Jack and start hitting the streets and manhunting the people plotting against him. That way he wouldn't have to feebly "forbid" people from messing with him. It never works. Inevitably someone comes storming in to tell you they are doing your chief security officer. If it's not a mutiny, it's something else.

And great idea Daughter Hassan. That's exactly the kind of news your dad needs to hear when he's an angry-as-fuck head of state with the power to enact his own version of the Patriot Act.

But worse than that is playing Sophie's Choice with your two sons and not expecting any real consequences.

So now the nuclear rods are free and in the wild, and ready to ram someone new up the ass on the way to the black market. Let's all hope it's Kevin and Rage Boy so we can kill two dumbasses with one nuclear stone.

The Men Who Stare at Rods

24 Season 8 Episode 7
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
2.8.10

There's a great danger roaming through the plains of the USA and it exists in Mac Trucks hauling wooden boxes filled with penetrating rods of nuclear power and the men who stare at them.

These men may look harmless and unassuming, but they are in, in fact, there for a reason. They are the transporters of evil and are charged with the task of answering satellite phones and occasionally mumbling something in Russian.

And it is with this mission that they are the focal point of 24, the show that has found a way to weave the meandering lives of a special group of people hell-bent on proving they have what it takes to make it through yet another day of terroristic fun.

What is terroristic fun you ask? It involved wearing a pair of round black glasses and pointing a gun at someone's head as they drive a car.

"Jack…seems to be in control."

You know who isn't in control? All the women on 24.

If they aren't stabbing Russians and angry Germans, they're being naïve and thinking they can talk sense into their fathers or that their bone-headed ex-boyfriends can enter the right four-number code into a keypad.

"There's too many numbers."

I'm surprised that Starbuck was surprised that Kevin and I'm with Stupid couldn't handle a 15 minute getaway time. If they couldn't handle a keypad code, it was a safe bet they couldn't handle the concept of time.

Starbuck should have just told them the money was going to disappear if they didn't leave the magic building of wonders in time. At least those would be terms they would understand.

Instead, they go through the lockup looking for candy and eventually hit a cop with a baseball bat. Then they celebrated by drunk driving around NYC, proving once more that only dumbasses drive in NYC.

The other subplot of futility involved Hassan's daughter who sounds like a character that stepped out of Disney's "It's a Small World" ride and accidentally took the shuttle bus Guantanamo Bay.

"Everything will be alright...once I talk to my fah-ther."

Fah-ther Hassan is pissed and has succumbed to the sweet temptation of torture because once a man loses his Friday night hussy and his family in a matter of hours, the only thing left to do is beat the crap out of someone.

Bored with this subplot? So is Renee. So much so that she wants to call your attention away by stabbing some fool in the eye. In. The. Eye.

There's a special kind of rage that takes over a woman who will stab a man in the eye, and then when that man is down to repeatedly stab in him in the stomach and the balls. But it takes an even crazier dude to try to bed that woman.

Bauer: Let's fix you up and take you home. Duffman! Oh Yea!

For Bauer, a stomach stab wound is a part of foreplay, as is waterboarding and public threats. He followed this up with hiding her in the closet with a loaded weapon. Had the Russians not showed up, Jack's top sexual fantasy would have been complete.

Instead, he's hauled away in underground tunnels where CTU drones are unable to detect anything.

While Bubba Gump gets Bubba Gump furious at his team for not "caring" about their sudden lack of enthusiasm, Jack is hauled away by the people who are trying to sell the rods because thanks to the shitty economy, selling nuclear power on the black market is the new 401K.

And once it's sold, those people won't have to kill off their sons and daughters because of a lack of healthcare.

Life with Vlad and Going Dark

How Jack relaxes as Mier

24 Season 8 Episode 6
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
2.1.10

In this week's installment of Russian Soap Opera, which has been brought to you by the Human Resources department of Mother Russia, we find all the storylines that have enthralled audiences for years: shameful five-minute sex, drunken (and empty) apologies, makeshift medical treatment and special guest star Jack Bauer reprising his role as Meir, the bespectacled troublemaker who's always smoking Marlboro's and speaking in an American accent.

But let's not forget everyone's favorite subplot with Starbuck. Her ex-boyfriend has dropped in for a visit with a friend and his van with a yellow-mustard hood. Why? Because people with vans live by a different set of rules. I'd explain them, but you really have to be at a Denny's with a Lumberjack Slam in front of you (Technically, that's rule numero uno).

CTU apparently lives by a different set of rules as well, which don't include things like implementing "sexual harassment policies" and avoiding a "hostile environment."

Arlo: You always have my shoulder to cry on if you need it. You can also have Big Arlo downstairs, who's always ready and willing to serve at a moment's notice...I'm talking about my penis.

Starbuck: (stares intently and without the slightest hint of sarcasm or human emotion says) I'll remember that.

So wait, women like sexual harassment now? Or is everyone in the nation now completely enraptured with Mad Men?

Sadly, the Starbuck, or the female creepfest magnet, was nothing compared to Vlad and his vague notion of how relationships, and nuclear arms deals, should go.

According to Vlad's book of love, first you get drunk. Then you do what comes natural. In his case, it's being creepy and reneging on nuclear arms deals. Yes, scotch is just that strong.

Oh why is Renee showering before a deal with German Bauer? Because that's what crazy people do when the are a bomb about to go off. That and they have really bad BO (it comes with being crazy. The body can't help it).

Those who don't listen to Vlad get a taste of Drago. The English translation of this is to "roid out" and say things like "I must break you."

And you know what else crazy people do? They go "dark."

It's never good to do that. Eventually your dad finds our you've gone dark and send two thugs to kill everyone in their path until they get to you. Then they kill your Uranium-poisoned brother...in the very room he was supposed to die in the first place (dramatic pause).

There are other ways to go dark, such as rounding up assumed criminals from your country and holding them without any cause or legitimate evidence...waaaaaaaiiiit a second....

President Hasaan, who I noticed sports a healthy head of Elvis hair, is angry. Like throwing-stacks-of-paper-and-screaming angry, which is a special kind. I did the same thing when daughter Hasaan picked up her cell phone to take a car from Ridiculous Subplot 5.

The final way to go dark? It's at the counter at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ask for the dark meat with extra sauce. Then close your eyes for the big surprise (warning: it comes with a side of diarrhea).

Soon we are treated to Bauer's CTU Drama Crew skills with his Harry Potter glasses, German tongue and that special tinge of insanity that is present in all nuclear arms dealers. Vlad wants no part of it (he only deals with human arms dealers) and plans to steal $5 million instead.

However, we get Freddie "Why won't anyone explain anything to me?" Prinze Jr snipering the double cross agents in Vlad's mob.

The result? Potter Bauer Meir is now pissed off and ready "to go to war" with Vlad if he does not comply. Judging from the glasses, I'm assuming going to war with Potter Bauer means it will be a seven-year operation against the same enemy for vague reasons. There will also be a bunch of old men who claim to be "wizards" who hang out with young children all day.

Either way, it's gonna get weird.

Crazy Ivans and the show that loves them

Sweet, delicious uranium.

24 Season 8 episode 5
1.25.10
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.

Everyone wants uranium, and some are willing to go that extra mile to obtain it, like have a random three-way with gender questionable Russian whores, which as we all know are the scariest kind.

Regardless, Hassan's bro is dedicated and has sacrificed his family and political career for the sweet taste of some weapons grade 235 uranium. Just don't fall in love with it, or you'll get the swine flu.

"Poppa! He needs a doctor!"

There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man screaming "Poppa!" in public, especially when the said "Poppa" isn't even within hearing distance. Only Madonna circa 1986 and the pregnant teen on Glee have the right to do so.

And why go through the trouble? Because in Russian culture no one should die in a cold room behind a kitchen...that place is reserved to kill democracy and freedom.

Unfortunately for Hassan, he doesn't have access to such a room and has to rely on power and human rights violations. This is what happens when a man loses access to dirty hooch: he seeks revenge. Or he engages in extortion.

What the frak is up with the lame Starbuck subplot? Dana was an accessory to murder as a minor? Kevin is in a criminal ambiguously gay duo? And can Freddie Prinze Jr. act without the perpetual confused look on his face?

At this point the 24 producers could probably splice in scenes from She's All That and no one would notice. Wait, they would notice because the scenes would be slightly less lame.

This is all made up thanks to Deathwish Walker, an ex-agent who has returned to NYC to clean up the streets of...oh wait Charles Bronson is dead.

Apparently Walker is good at putting bad guys away, going undercover and keeping calm under pressure, but she sucks at killing herself.

Bauer: "You're unstable!"

Deathwish answers with cold hard stare as she chews on a Russian thumb.

Bauer: "I'm gonna let it slide."

It's hard to disregard the crazy girl at the party, especially when she comes with multi-million dollar deals and engaging dialogue such as "Just do it!" and "I have nowhere else to go."

As for Bauer, he got Crazy Ivan'd and was left screaming "Dammit!" as he rage-drove on the streets of NYC. He may as well have been in a cold room behind a kitchen.

The Mysterious Case of Renee Walker

Renee Walker, thinking crazy thoughts

24 Season 8 Episode 3 and 4
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.
1.18.10

It seems the writer's of 24 have a dart board and on this dart board are various plots from past seasons that were their favorite. Tonight they hit "ironic torture of Jack," "villainous family member," and "hand gets cut off."

The product of placing the fate of this show to a game of chance means rehashed situations and the viewer feeling deja vu from time to time. It would almost be better for the writers to get some Colombian bam-bam and really stir some shit up.

Instead, we get Jack following up on a lead that brings him to a Queens basement where he is tortured for allegedly murdering a cop and his wife. He already had to drive to Queens and pay $100 for his street intel. If he was in the Bronx, he would have only had to pay $50. Or maybe just buy someone a hot dog.

So NYC cops take care of their own when they think someone has killed one of the city's boys in blue. I'm eagerly awaiting the Fox PSA about how NYC cops would never take the law into their own hands. I give it till the next episode.

But sometimes relying on actual evidence is bad too, as Brian "Bubba Gump" Hastings has proven. So far he sucks as managing his staff and connecting the dots of complicated political plots. What is he good at? Admitting he's wrong, covering up mistakes and using last-minute hires to head up an operation that could send international bad vibes if handled incorrectly.

And his new hires? Hot Agent Walker from last season and Jack "I'm not even supposed to be here today" Bauer. Only now Walker is like Bauer circa season 3 when he was hooked on the Colombian bam-bam. Yes, it all comes back to the bam-bam.

After meeting Jack 4 years ago, Walker has had the taste for torture and has been "going off-book" for fun. She doesn't want money. She wants to see terror in the eyes of men. She also wants to cut off thumbs.

With Jack's ax attack last night, we can now add lost thumb to the list of medieval fighting techniques. Next up should be either be a good round of eye-poking or the rarely used tickle torture (it's rarely used because 9 times out of 10, it just turns into an orgy. An awkward orgy.)

The White House is fairly more advanced. Instead of hand-to-hand combat, the politicians engaged in staring contests and attempt to psyche each other out by their emotional chiefs of freaking out.

Hassan's brother (who looks like the Bollywood version of Jason Schwartzman): You want us to do WHAT?

US Chief of Freaking Out Rob Weiss: I am FREAKING OUT man! This better be good! Everybody knows everything and I'm in a limo yelling into a phone. Aarrgh!

Neither character adds much to the show, though Bollywood Schwartzman gets an edge for his epic pen stabbing to the CTU drone (proving once more that drones can't protect against anything, be it missile launchers or pens bought from Staples).

It seems the brother was involved in a sale of nuclear weapons from the Russians, hence the hit on his brother via a Blackberry-rigged bomb under a manhole cover. I wonder if the Russians were pissed when they realized the blond journalist on the inside may have been a better way to kill President Hassan as opposed to the exploding manhole cover on the street.

Or maybe just sending in Walker Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have worked too. She was already a known operative in the Russian syndicate and could have at least chopped off Hassan's signing hand so no peace treaty could go forward.

But she's crazy and has been classified as "not ready" in Bauer's book of Those Allowed to Kick Ass. Jack's granddaughter also carries that same classification and will continue to do so until she gets her first knife at the age of 6.

Aside from her penchant for torture and the lack of moral compass, Jack's big clue probably came from the fact that Renee's undercover name was also Renee. Even drunken sorority girls in Vegas know you need a better cover than that to get away with lying.

Obvious statement of the week: From MPAT (Madame President Alison Taylor) "We only get betrayed by those we trust." Really? Did you know that guns can shoot bullets and that lactose intolerant kids shit after eating dairy?

Things I don't care about:

Faker Dana's potential evil/criminal past
Freddie Prinze Jr balancing CTU work and wedding planning
Arlo's hard-on for Fake Dana

Things I do care about:

The color Dana's hair was when she was "Jenny"
When Prinze Jr's character will say "There is a bomb...on this...bus"
How a guy named Arlo got anywhere in life without an acoustic guitar or a jug full of moonshine

24 season 8 episode 1 and 2
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
1.17.10

After hibernating from government work and anti-terrorist activity, Bauer has found a new life of naps, watching boring cartoons and going to the zoo to see bears.

And thanks to stem cells, he doesn't look like a grandpa. In fact, he's ready to work security in LA, which means he'll spend days keeping drunk teenagers from crashing into buildings, and making sure Jay Leno stops stealing people's jobs.

But like many grandparents in America, Jack is forced out of retirement because of the economy. Or an assassination plot.

Jack's new career involves conducting health care in back alleys and gaining info from a source before he eats the taco grande of death. He also has a new satchel, because the first anyone does when they come to NYC is buy something black. It helps conceal the blood.

The target this year is Omar Hassan, who has a penchant for peace deals and loose blondes with a reporter's notebook.

After bringing a source to CTU NY (which looks like a model agency), Bauer is debriefed by Chloe, who is displaying an epic fail at her new job, which was taken by her because her husband sucks at making money.

Bubba, from Forrest Gump, doesn't think too highly of Chloe's skills or her lack of shrimp dinner recipes.

His new one is shrimp interrogation gumbo, which is full of misdirection and shame.

Shame because though they captured a journalist (they are a shifty bunch), she is apparently only guilty of wanting presedential wang.

And where there's a man with a crush on a blonde woman, there's an angry wife saying "nut ah!"

CTU is on top of, and has a new motto: "We're different."

This is hardly the case. There is an office romance, which is connected to a random subplot of identity.

However they now have biometrics for interrogations, which is used to decipher mood changes and whether or not someone has a bun in the oven.

The terrorists are Russian and have already managed to infiltrate the security of UN. How? The Russian put on an accident and pretended to care. He doesn't.

It may not matter. Bauer has been awoken from his slumber, and like all bears, he's pissed off he's back at work, no mater how good the Bubba-Gump test happened

Soon Jack and Chloe form CTU 2 and fight terrorism the only way they know how: on a shoestring budget and random accusations. Creepy man enters an apartment? Lead! Jack has a feeling about something? Lead!

Things I want from 24: Season 8

This Sunday marks the return of Jack Bauer, who has been saved by stem cells and the capitalistic hunger of Fox.

For Season 8 (yes, it's been eight years), the Bauer finds himself appropriately in the city that never sleeps and, according to the trailer above, is hellbent on retiring. However, just like others his age, the the economy won't let him and he's forced to do what he did before for even less money and respect.

Here is a quick list of things I want, nay, need to see in Season 8. If I don't get at least half of these, I'm gonna be pissed. Like Conan O'Brien at NBC pissed.

1. Jack gets an answer after yelling "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?"

At this point, Jack should just assume everyone is working for a shadow government and that everyone is screwing everyone else.

2. Jack rides a horse and shoots people down with a shotgun a la Young Guns II

In fact, there should be more references to old Kiefer movies. If you count the amount of times Bauer has been brought back from death, the writers have been doing Flatliners for years.

3. Terrorists on the show are not from the Middle East or Muslim or rabid animals

If this season is going to be in NYC, the very least the writers could do is make the bad guys from the Jersey Shore (BTW: Bauer's Jersey Shore name would be Two Guns. Runner-up name: Tin-foil).

4. A major plot point is settled by a Thunderdome fight

Two men enter, one man leaves. It's been eight years. We deserve it.

5. Jack and Chloe makeout like high schoolers

I am fully prepared to gasp in both horror and surprise.